


Let the Rest Burn

by llmarmalade



Series: I'll Just Let You Fall [2]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Character, F/M, Gen, Katniss and Gale are cousins, Lots of angst but also a surprising amount of fluff, Mutual Pining, No Love Triangle, Slow Burn, aro/ace spec character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-03-12 13:39:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 59,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13548474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llmarmalade/pseuds/llmarmalade
Summary: Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark returned from the 74th Hunger Games as Victors but all is not well. The Capitol is angry about their display of solidarity and them and their families are caught up in a wave of fear and violence. Once again she has to make the decision. Who does she save? What does she fight for?





	1. Chapter 1 A Visitor

**Author's Note:**

> Ashes from the flames  
> The truth is what remains  
> The truth is what you save  
> From the fire  
> And you fight for what you love  
> Don't matter if it hurts  
> You find out what it's worth  
> And you let the rest burn
> 
> If the house burns down tonight  
> I got everything I need when I got you by my side  
> And let the rest burn
> 
> If the House Burns Down Tonight by Switchfoot

It was a cold morning. I held the flask tighter even though any faint warmth had long leeched out. My muscles were clenched so tightly that if a pack of wild dogs was to come I would be unable to run and climb a tree. I knew I should get up and work out the stiffness but instead all I could see was the wintery landscape as the sun finally rose. It was the day I had been dreading for months.

Soon they would descend upon me. The reporters, the camera crews, Effie Trinket would appear from the Capitol. I wondered what monstrosity of a wig Effie would wear. The prep team would try to make me beautiful and Cinna would dress me. He was the only one I really cared to see.

If it were up to me I would forget all about the Games and pretend they never happened. True I hadn't had much success with that but it was worth attempting. Haymitch hadn't managed it but then he drank himself into oblivion. The Victory Tour made forgetting impossible. It was a celebration of death. And this time I was one of the principal actors.

The sun persisted in rising so I made myself rise. It took time to iron the kinks out of my stiff muscles but I did so at last stumbling around until they loosened. I had been in the woods three hours but hadn't made a single kill. It didn't matter for my family for we had plenty of food even if we preferred the fresh meat I brought in. But my Aunt Hazelle and cousins couldn't or refused to accept money and so I brought game since that is all they would accept. Gale was capable of feeding his family but ever since he took the job in the mines he worked all days but Sundays. We used to go after school. Short of being with Prim those were the happiest times of my life before the Games.

The mines haunted my dreams. The place my father and uncle died. It was the place where Gale and all the other Seam men, and some women, make their living. I couldn't even visit the mines in my yearly visit in school. Poor Gale. He seemed only alive in the woods with the sunlight and the clean air and the water. Just like my father he couldn't stand being cooped up. I didn't know how he managed to do it. But I did. He did it to save his family from starvation.

Gale didn't like to take anything from me even the game. I had buckets of money and could have gotten him a decent job as a Merchant but he wouldn't take it. He accepted the game reluctantly knowing that if I didn't hunt I would be stuck in the house knitting sweaters with my mother. But he got so anxious accepting it I just bring it along when he is at work.

I had somewhat accepted the fact that my family would never entirely understand what it is like. Prim was too young though sometimes I think she came the closest. My mother had so many problems of her own that she didn't know how to deal with anyone else's. My aunt saw exactly what she wanted to see and no more. And Gale, the one person I had hoped would understand, didn't. That was the hardest part. He was my best friend and it seemed like we were talking at cross purposes. The one lesson I had learned was that going back was impossible. I would never be the girl I had been before the Reaping.

I got a good haul from the traps thanks to Gale's excellent traps. He had a gift for it. My father and aunt were both good but Gale had a certain flair to them that yielded great results. It required an eye for balance, an instinct for where the prey will cross your path.

I went to the place I was born, the house I had spent sixteen years in. It still belonged to my mother and Prim in case of my death. My mother and sister were quite happy in the house in Victor's Village but for me, this was my real home. I often went there to change clothes. I took off my father's hunting jacket and replaced it with the close-fitting jacket and shoes that Cinna made for me and my mother thought was more appropriate to my "status". Even though time was ticking by I didn't make any move to leave. I wanted to move back here. It was so peaceful and quiet. As hard as that life was it was so much easier than mine after the games.

Buttercup yowled at the door and I let him in feeling a sudden and uncharacteristic wave of fondness. We both hated the new house. I hauled him out of the house and shut the door behind me.

It only took a minute to get to Gale's house. My aunt saw me through the window and rushed out to me drying her hands on her apron. My aunt was always someone I respected. She had lost her husband and brother on the same day. She had three boys and was pregnant with a fourth child. Less than a week after the explosion she was getting work. Not the mines in her condition but she became a laundress for many of the Merchant families. And Gale at fourteen became the main provider for the family. But they would have all starved if not for my Aunt. Sometimes it was hard not to compare her to my mother. Her hands were red and cracked from scrubbing and only the salve my mother made kept them from bleeding. My mother and aunt had never been very fond of each other. I think my aunt thought my mother was weak for so quickly giving in to grief. It was her effort that kept Rory from having to take out tesserae when he turned twelve.

"Katniss, come in. You look frozen. Have some tea before you go." My aunt muttered something about my forgetting a sweater and gave me a quick hug before forcing me into a chair and going over to the stove to pour a cup of tea from the pot. She wasn't much of a hugger but ever since I came back from the games she made a point to always give me one. I didn't mind.

"That beaver will make a nice stew." She commented putting the mug on the table in front of me.

"Good pelt." I answered then added. "After I get back I'll take Rory out hunting."

Aunt Hazelle nodded, "That'd be good. Gale means to but he is so busy and on Sundays well…"

Perhaps I know the real reason. Neither Gale or I want to admit that Rory might need to learn. Just like my half-hearted attempts to teach Prim were quickly given up neither of us like to admit our siblings might need to take care of themselves. Plus it is hard because his only hunting day would be spent teaching the clumsy Rory to hunt. Far better that I do it with the endless amounts of time I have. I would teach the whole district if I could. And well, I can't help but think that one reason why he was so busy is that Gale spent the mornings with Madge. I know he took her out many mornings after we met up. Madge and I went out some days after school but her improvements each time make me think that she spends extra time in the woods without me. I wondered how my Aunt felt about that. Him dating a Merchant.

Well, I supposed that I was technically dating a Merchant too. Even if it wasn't actually a relationship. Peeta and I were friends but after his confession of his feelings for me in the interview we became the Star-Crossed Lovers of District 12. No one except Madge and Gale knew the truth. Perhaps my mother and aunt suspected but they never said a word. My mother had warmed up to Peeta over the months that passed and seemed genuinely happy that I was with him. Prim adored him and had already accepted him as a brother. My aunt was more cautious but occasionally he would force a reluctant smile to cross her face. A few more months and my aunt would probably be accepting him as a fourth son. I was glad my family had largely accepted him but it still didn't make the internal conflict any easier. I hated the Star-Crossed Lovers routine. It was an invention of the Capitol and forced both of us to pretend to be different people. Our easy friendship was muddled by what was expected of us. And the worst of it was that Peeta had real feelings for me. And I didn't know how I felt.

"I'd better get going. Make myself presentable." I gulped down the rest of the tea and stood up. My aunt laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.

"Enjoy the food."

"Absolutely."

I made a stop at the Hob where all the illegal business was conducted. It was a den of criminal activity and perhaps that was why I was drawn to it. I was a lawbreaker every time I stepped into the woods. My father had been well respected around here and that's why I was accepted even as a tiny, underfed girl of twelve. Gale told me that during the Games he and Madge had helped Greasy Sae set up a collection for me and they had sent in a gift. Apparently sending anything for a tribute from 12 was so rare that only Madge knew it was possible in this district.

As I sat down for some of Greasy Sae's soup I saw Darius, one of our Peacekeepers come over. He was one of Sae's most frequent customers. He really was a pretty nice guy, for a Peacekeeper. He joked a lot and rarely threw his weight around. He was probably almost ten years older than me but looked my age with his boyish smile and bright red hair.

"Aren't you supposed to be on the train?" he asked.

"They're collecting me at noon," I answered.

"Shouldn't you look better? Maybe a ribbon in your hair or something?" He touched my braid and I smiled in spite of myself. Gale had gotten terribly angry about a year before when Darius had joked about kisses and had dragged me off to lecture me within every inch of my life about flirting with a Peacekeeper. It didn't matter that Darius didn't seem like Cray. He was still a Peacekeeper. But I still liked Darius. Perhaps if he hadn't been a Peacekeeper I might have wanted to be friends with him.

"Don't worry. By the time they get through with me I will be unrecognizable."

"Good. Let's show a little District pride for a change, Miss Everdeen?" He gave me a mock salute and went off with a jaunty step. Sae argued about a bowl and then turned to me. Her face was set in much the same expression as Gale's had been. There was a hint of anxiety. Well, she needn't worry. I had no interest in Darius.

"I can't wait for all of this to be over," I whispered.

"I know. But you got to go through it to get to the end of it. Better not be late, girl." She shooed me on and I reluctantly pulled myself together and got up.

I made it into Victor's Village, my house and Peeta's glowed in the winter snowfall like a beacon. But Haymitch's house looked as silent as a tomb and just as disreputable. As I walked in I braced myself for the scent of unwashed bodies, vomit, liqueur, and food. I waded through piles of trash to find Haymitch asleep on the kitchen table. I nudged him to get up but he didn't move. Finally, I went and opened the window and set a pot of coffee on the hearth before throwing water in his face. He jumped up and had a knife at me before I could blink. He slashed the air with it as I scurried back. I had forgotten to remove it before waking him.

"What are you doing?" He sputtered.

"You told me to wake you up an hour before they come," I replied.

"What?"

"Your idea." I shrugged.

"Why am I all wet?"

"I couldn't shake you awake. If you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta."

"Asked me what?" The owner of the name walked into the room as I spoke. The sound of his voice was soothing and warm but I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt. I was definitely the uncooperative half of the Star-Crossed Lovers. It was a miracle he hadn't given up on me. Except of course he couldn't. Even if he wanted to find some much nicer and more manageable girl he couldn't. It was strange but the idea of that made my stomach knot unpleasantly. I watched as he crossed the kitchen with the strands of blonde hair glittering with snow. I had a sudden impulse to reach up and brush it away. He looked strong and healthy and so unlike the sick, starving boy in the Arena. His limp had gotten much better too. He set a loaf of bread on the table and turned to Haymitch.

"Asked you to wake me up without getting pneumonia?" He pulled off his shirt and used a dry part to rub himself down. His clothes were soiled and disgusting even to me which was saying something. Vic and Rory could learn about filth from him.

Peeta smiled and doused the knife with some liquor before wiping it clean on his shirt and slicing the bread. He kept us all in baked goods. I hunted. He baked. Haymitch drank. We all had our ways of coping.

"Would you like a piece?" he asked me.

"No thanks, I ate at the Hob." Normally I would have eaten but my stomach churned with the idea of what was ahead.

"What? Katniss Everdeen turning down food. We need to alert the media. You are clearly dying." He grinned at me and then turned to Haymitch, "Don't expect sympathy from me. I would have done the same thing."

Haymitch shook his head and said, "Well you two need a bit of warming up. One without the overprotective mother eh? I won't tell her. At least you aren't at each other's throats. Best friends and all. Quite sweet if a little dull."

I winched and glanced over at Peeta. We had tried playing the part at home but it was difficult. I could do it when in public but it drove me crazy at home. It felt so fake. But Haymitch was warning us that being friends wasn't enough. I thought about how lovers would have greeted each other and sighed. If I were in love I would have gone over to Peeta and kissed him. But I always thought about those things too late. And besides, it wasn't fair to him. Giving him those fake kisses were only for the cameras. Though we had cameras everywhere there were limits to our act. Our home was an exception.

"Stop being so disgusting," I replied but kept Haymitch's gaze before slipping out the back door. Peeta followed his face set. I really hoped he wasn't angry with me. I didn't need that on top of everything else.

"I'm sorry Katniss. I know how hard this is for you."

"It's not your fault," I replied. It was technically because he started the Star-Crossed Lovers thing but he hadn't expected the rule change or anything. I wouldn't probably be alive if not for the boost in sponsorship his interview had given.

"Good luck. I know you hate their beautifying." He forced a smile and gave me an awkward half hug. Yep, we would definitely need to warm up.

"I do. I'm still jealous it takes you half the time." I replied.

"Perks of being a guy?" I scowled at him and took off towards the house. I knew he knew I wasn't being serious.

As I walked into the house my mother greeted me and took my empty game bag saying breathlessly, "Someone here to see you."

I glanced behind her. A man in a tailored suit and modified features stood in the doorway. He had to be from the Capitol. My mother's face was pale as milk and her voice was unsteady with anxiety.

"I thought they weren't due till noon. Did Cinna come early?"

"No, Katniss, its…" My mother began.

"This way, please, Miss Everdeen." The man said. He gestured down the hall and I followed him obediently. I gave my mother a reassuring smile and whispered something about instructions for the tour. But as I was led to the study, a room I never entered I felt my heart race. I was wondering at my mother's paleness. It was abnormally quiet.

The Capitol man ushered me into the room and as I stepped inside the scent of blood and roses assaulted me. A small, white-haired man sat behind the desk. He seemed very familiar. Then he turned another page in the book and held up a hand to make me pause. When he looked up I recognized him. It was President Snow.


	2. Chapter 2 A Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> President Snow delivers a warning and Katniss gets ready to leave on the Victory Tour

Seeing President Snow in my house sent shivers down my spine. I had seen him on TV before but there was something about his presence that filled the room. Surrounded by the ordinary objects he looked out of place. I wondered why he was here. I had never seen President Snow at any district event. He only attended celebrations in the Capitol. Since he made this long journey I could only conclude one thing. I was in grave trouble. And so was my family. My mother and sister were just a stone's throw from this terrible man who hates me. Because he thought I outsmarted him and the Capitol look foolish and undermined his authority. All I had been doing is trying to keep Peeta and me alive. If I had been rebellious it had been accidental. But the very act of challenging the Capitol's rule was an act of rebellion. My only defense was that I was so blinded by passionate love that I went mad and was willing to die rather than live without him.

I felt like an intruder in this strange Capitol created house with a man who could kill me with a flick of his wrist. I didn't do anything except stare at him wide-eyed as if he was a real snake.

"I think we'll make this whole situation a lot simpler by agreeing not to lie to each other," he said. "What do you think?"

I thought my tongue was frozen to the roof of my mouth but I was shocked to find myself saying calmly, "Yes, that will save time."

He smiled and I noticed his lips for the first time. I had expected thin, snake-like lips but they were instead thick and puffy. "My advisors were concerned you would be difficult, but you're not planning to be difficult, are you?" he asked.

"No," I answered.

"That's what I told them. I said any girl who goes to such length to save her life isn't interested in throwing it away. And then there is her family. Her mother, sister and all those cousins."

Well, there was no beating around the bush with him. He was not one for ambiguous threats. I was relieved. I preferred to know what I was getting into.

"Let's sit." President Snow took a seat at the large desk my mother did the budgets and Prim did her homework. I sat in the front on one of the straight-backed chairs. Due to my small stature, my feet barely touched the ground. I felt like a child.

"I have a problem, Miss Everdeen," he began steepling his hands on the desk and leaning forward. " A problem that began the minute you pulled out those berries."

That had been the defining moment. The moment when I had realized that the Gamemakers would have preferred to change the rules rather than see us both commit suicide.

"If the Head Gamemaker Seneca Crane, had any brains, he would have blown you to dust. But he had an unfortunate sentimental streak. So here we are. Can you guess where he is?" he asked.

I nodded. It was quite clear Crane was dead. The smell of blood and roses nearly choked me. It must have come from the rose at his lapel. A rose that was so strongly scented no natural flower would be capable of producing. I didn't want to know where the blood came from.

"After that, there was nothing to do but let you play your little game. The lovesick school girl. The people in the Capitol were convinced. But not everyone in the Districts fell for your act." He said.

I must have shown some sign of shock for he went on, "This, of course, you don't know. You would have no knowledge what is going on in other districts. In several of them, they saw it as an act of defiance, not love. And if a girl from District 12 can defy the Capitol and walk away unharmed, what is to stop them from doing the same? What is to say, prevent an uprising?"

It took a moment to process his words. Then it hit me. "There have been uprisings?" The idea both thrilled and frightened me.

"Not yet. But they will if things do not change. And uprisings have been known in history to lead to revolutions." President Snow rubbed a spot over his eyebrow as if the conversation gave him a headache. "Do you have any idea what that would mean? How many people would die? What conditions would the country face? Whatever issues one might have with the Capitol the minute it released it's grip on the districts even for an instant the whole system would collapse."

I was taken aback by his directness and sincerity. It was as if the primary concern was for the citizens of Panem even though I knew it was the farthest thing from the truth. I found myself daring the next words, "It must be very fragile if it can be brought down with a handful of berries."

He stared at me for a long moment then said, "It is fragile, but not in the way you suppose."

The Capitol man knocked and announced that my mother had made tea. President Snow surprisingly accepted the tea. My mother came in bearing a tray with her finest Merchant china and a plate of cookies Peeta likely brought over early in the morning while I was hunting. The frosting was, as usual, a work of art.

"What a welcome sight. You know, it is funny how often people forget that presidents need to eat too," President Snow said charmingly cause my mother to visibly relax a bit.

She offered him something more but President Snow thanked her and she sent me a worried glance before disappearing. He poured tea for both of us and put cream and sugar in before passing me the cup. He stirred his own for a long time as if waiting for me to speak.

"I didn't mean to start any uprisings," I said at last.

"I believe you. It doesn't matter. Your stylist was quite prophetic in his costume choice. Katniss Everdeen, you could provide a spark that, left unattended, may grow to be an inferno that destroys the whole country."

"Why don't you just kill me now?"

"Publically? That would only add fuel to the flames." His voice was quite calm as he spoke.

"Arrange an accident then," I replied.

"Who would buy it? Not you, if you were watching. No Miss Everdeen, I'm afraid that won't do."

"Then just tell me what to do and I'll do it," I answered earnestly.

"If only it were that simple." He picked up a cookie and examined it before saying, "Lovely. Your mother made these?"

"Peeta," I looked down suddenly unable to look into his eyes. I tried picking up my tea but my hand shook so I reached for a cookie instead to cover my anxiety.

"Peeta. How is the love of your life doing?" he replied with a trace of mockery.

"Good," I said. I remembered his worn face all thanks to President Snow.

"How long did it take him to realize the exact degree of your indifference." He asked dipping his cookie in the tea. It was such an ordinary thing to do that it startled me. Effie would not have approved.

"I'm not indifferent," I replied.

"But perhaps not as taken with him as you would have people believe." He added.

"Who says I'm not?"

"I do. And I'm not the only person with doubts or I wouldn't be here. I know that your dear friendship with Peeta Mellark may be enough to satisfy District 12 but I assure that it will not be enough to control the unrest. Furthermore, I have proof of you conspiring. Your cousin, so quick to speak, made remarks threatening to burn down the Capitol. You were there. You said nothing. Why should a girl with so much to lose risk her life for the sake of a friend? Unless you planned to start an uprising? Unless you and your cousin were plotting treason."

"I didn't. I swear I didn't." I replied. But how had President Snow know of this? We had always kept any treasonous talk to the woods. Had he bugged the woods? It seemed inconceivable until I remembered the cameras during the games. They were very well hidden.

"You know that I am capable of getting rid of him. He is just the sort of dangerous person we crush. Angry, idealistic young men who lure equally stupid people into revolt are hazardous. And you, Miss Everdeen…Willing to pretend to love a boy for the sake of your family while secretly plotting with your cousin. Using Peeta Mellark to achieve your ends. Or perhaps he is helping you? You have ensnared him in your plans?" President Snow's questions left me reeling. How could I reply?

"I swear I am not plotting any sort of uprising. Neither is Gale. We just want to keep our families safe. And Peeta has never said or done anything against the Capitol." I felt sick with terror. Clearly, the President had some recording of Gale and I in the woods talking against the Capitol. All he would need to do was release it and both of us would be up for treason.

"I believe you, Miss Everdeen. I don't believe your cousin but so far there is no uprising in District 12. But if there is he will be the first to be questioned. As for your lover, you must at least try to treat him as something closer than a friend. Not everyone is so willing to believe you would throw your life away for a friend."

" I will convince them. I will be in love with him just as I was." I said hastily.

"Just as you are," corrected President Snow.

"Just as I am," I confirmed.

"You'll have to do better than your half-hearted attempts. Don't think I don't know how you attempted to play lovers for a time. This tour will be the only chance to turn things around."

"I know. I will. I'll convince everyone in the Districts that I wasn't defying the Capitol, that I was crazy with love."

President Snow rose and dabbed his puffy lips with a napkin, "Aim higher lest you fall short."

"What do you mean? How can I aim higher?" I asked.

"Convince me. Convince me that you were motivated by passionate love and not by rebellion." He dropped his napkin and retrieved his book. I didn't watch him as he headed for the door so I flinched when he whispered in my ear, "Remember I have evidence on you and your cousin. If you fail I will use it against him." Then the door shut behind him.

The scent of blood lingered so strongly on his breath that I felt sickened and wondered if he drank the stuff. My grandfather told stories about creatures that were once humans who sucked the blood of their victims and either killed them or turned them into themselves. Apparently, they avoided sunlight and had pale skin. I imagined President Snow as a real version of those creatures. I head the sound of a car and realized he must have left.

For a moment I felt like fainting which was ridiculous. The room was spinning around and I leaned forward clutching the desk with one hand and the cookie with the other. The lovely design was reduced to crumbs. I didn't even realize I was crushing it except that I needed something to hold on to while my world veered out of control.

It was all so overwhelming. And all on my shoulders. Everyone I loved was doomed. I knew that Snow wouldn't hesitate to kill my whole family. And even Peeta was implicated. President Snow had implied that some people doubted him too. The difference was that Peeta was much better at playing the game than I was. I froze up and couldn't talk. I was mean and bitter and seemingly quite capable of starting rebellions. The only way to prove that I hadn't wanted to start a rebellion was appearing in love with Peeta.

It's impossible. I can't do this. I had hoped that just being his friend would be enough. But it hadn't. I didn't know how to pretend to be in love. Every time I tried it looked so fake. No wonder everyone thought I was a rebellious girl whose sole thought was starting trouble.

I heard my mother's step in the hall and quickly deposited the ruined cookie into the tray. I knew she couldn't know about this. She asked me how I was and I gave her some answer about President Snow visiting every Victor before the tour. Her face flooded with relief and it reminded me how I had to protect her since I was eleven. I had begun to try to mend my relationship with my mother since getting home. I have tried to let her do things for me and forgive her for the depression she had after my father's death. Sometimes things happened to people and they weren't able to deal with it. Just like I felt at that moment. Her comment about my being too young to date in the interview had helped us since a reporter had asked us about it and we had been able to play down our romance. But clearly, that hadn't been enough for the President.

I went upstairs for the bath my mother had drawn up for me. My mother added a bag of dried flowers that perfumed the air. I thought it was lavender. The luxury of running hot water still hadn't worn off. I undressed and lowered myself into the silky water that was slick with oil. My skin would emerge from my bath smooth and soft as a baby's. As I soaked I tried to figure things out.

I needed to figure out who to tell. Not my mother or Prim, obviously, as they would only worry. Gale? He had been threatened. But who else did he bring to the woods? Rory? He wouldn't have said anything rebellious to his siblings as he was terrified they would repeat it. Madge? But even though I had gone hunting many times with Madge I doubted that he would talk rebellion to her. She was the Mayor's daughter. Even if I could get word to him it might make things worse. Neither of us could escape into the woods. We had our family to protect and the kids were far too young. I knew now that the sanctity of the woods was gone. The home that my whole family, at least on the Everdeen side, found safe was invaded by the Capitol and no longer protected us. Even if I could get to him this knowledge could be enough to encourage rebellion. Gale was already angry enough at the Capitol.

I could confide in Cinna but he was already at risk judging by President Snow's remark about my clothing. Peeta? Perhaps. But was it fair to him to push in his face how I couldn't be in love with him? I had already with that disastrous attempt at playing lovers. President Snow had portrayed him as both a victim of the rebellious Katniss Everdeen and a potential ally in my bad actions. Perhaps he would be better and more natural if he wasn't aware of what happened. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit how hopeless I was at this. The only person left was Haymitch. Old drunk or not he had helped get me out of the Arena and warned me.

As I lay in the warm water I tilted my head until it covered my ears with only my eyes, nose and mouth visible. I wished I could go swimming like I had when I was a child with my father. Occasionally Gale and I went there but I didn't even want Gale there. It was my place with my father. My aunt knew about it as she and my father used to spend a lot of time there when they were my age. But whenever I was there I felt my father's presence. Sometimes I actually believed the superstition that parts of dead people lingered in the places they loved the most. Ever since the Games, I had been back there but it was strangely depressing.

I could hear the sounds of the entourage arriving as I stood up and toweled off. The prep team burst upon me and greeted me exuberantly. They had no notion of privacy and I didn't mind them viewing me naked. They took my body as if it was a machine. There was nothing salacious in the way they handled me. I was like a doll for them to dress. Venia cried out over the state of my eyebrows causing me to stifle a laugh. Octavia despaired over my nails. Only Flavius was reasonably satisfied with my hair which due to my own laziness had been left alone. They kissed me much to my discomfort and hauled me into my room to begin their torture.

They spent a few minutes reminiscing about little Posy and then moved on to less innocent topics. They talked about the Games and how popular they were in the Capitol and how dull everything was afterward. They discussed the excitement over Peeta and my tour and how much everyone was looking forward to the Quarter Quell. They kept saying how exciting it was I was mentoring in a Quell year. I was forced to agree. Quells were even worse than regular years. But Haymitch won the last Quell. Because there will be so much coverage of Haymitch it was good Peeta and I would be there to mentor the tributes. Haymitch would be sure to be wasted.

The preps mindless chatter drove me mad. Flavius wanted to use his favorite purple lipstick but had obviously been restrained by Cinna. The look was clearly girlish not sexy. Good. I was terrible at sexy. Haymitch told me I was a failure at being provocative and I knew he was right.

My mother taught the preps how to do the intricate braid I wore for the Reaping. They were impressed and listened carefully as she broke down the steps. They were so respectful to her that I began feeling bad about feeling superior to them. Would I have been any less silly if I had been raised in the Capitol? Maybe I would be worrying about feathers too. They weren't bad people. They were silly.

I found Cinna waiting downstairs and I could barely wait to tell him everything that had happened. But I had resolved to tell Haymitch first. Cinna and I spent a lot of time on the phone as he helped me "design" my own clothes. I was one of the few people that owned a telephone except for Peeta, Haymitch, and Madge. I never really called Peeta as he lived only three houses down and Haymitch tore his out. As for Madge, we tended to talk in person.

My "talent" was a joke but Peeta took his seriously. He painted though he hadn't let me see anything yet except that painting in his bedroom. He kept saying they weren't ready. I only had talent in hunting which was illegal and singing but I wasn't going to do that for the Capitol. Prim ended up doing all the flower arranging, cooking, and flute playing for the family. So when Cinna offered to help me design I jumped at it. My aunt taught me to knit and I offered a couple of lumpy scarves to the mix to at least pretend I knew something about it. Knitting wasn't so bad. At least what you made was practical.

I might have been a failure at designing but I enjoyed wearing Cinna's clothes. They were both attractive and comfortable. Cinna and I joked about my design skills as I got dressed and I glanced over the cards trying to keep velvet in line with silk. Effie arrived wearing a pumpkin colored wig just before they started filming me reading the cards. I babbled meaningless statements like "Isn't this adorable" as I lift the clothes up before they kick me out to film the clothes in peace. Prim was being interviewed just as I went into the living room. She looked so pretty as she stood there that it hit me. She looked so much like Rue perched on her toes about to take flight. The pain struck again and I felt my chest tighten so badly I felt like I might pass out. I didn't save Rue. And if I failed on the tour I wouldn't able to save other people.

Effie shoved me out the door saying "Katniss, big smile, you're very excited aren't you?"

As I walked out the door I could barely see due to the snow coming down. I made out Peeta coming out his door. Normally I would come near and we would talk casually. But now I was weighed down by President Snow's warning. I heard his voice in my head Convince me. The old way of doing things wasn't enough. I knew that for all of our sakes I had to succeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may notice that once again this chapter sticks pretty close to the book. But there are some major changes as well. President Snow's warning is a lot different than in the book. I was thinking as I was reading how manipulative he was. He knew that no matter how hard Katniss tried pretending to be in love it wouldn't have a bit of effect on the rebels. He just wanted to scare her and keep her in line. If he hadn't had the Quell I'm sure he would have found another way to punish her.
> 
> In this story, Katniss and Gale did commit treason. Or at least Gale did. And President Snow has the evidence on them. I know in canon it was never really proven there were cameras but in my story, I decided there were cameras at Katniss and Gale's usual spots. And unfortunately, Katniss isn't the only one that Gale meets with there. President Snow could easily kill Gale but as we know he isn't willing to get rid of one of his best pawns to keep Katniss in line. I also think in this story President Snow suspects that Peeta may not be quite as loyal as he pretends to be. Because Katniss and Gale are cousins it would be reasonable that if they were involved in a rebellion they might be able to get Peeta in on it.
> 
> As usual, Katniss is being Katniss and has decided not to talk to Peeta. Ugh! She's not being a good friend. But don't worry. She's learning her lesson. She's really struggling with the romance part and she hates not being good at things. In this story, I think she's better than she thinks she is. She and Peeta are genuine friends and most people believe that they are in love since they spend so much time together and get along so well. But President Snow has to go and make her doubt herself which in turn makes her nervous and act fake.


	3. Chapter 3 The Tour Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta begin their Victory Tour, she has an important conversation with Haymitch and has a temper tantrum.

My face broke into a huge smile that cracked my face. I never smiled like that. I started walking and then broke into a run and Peeta caught me and spun me around before slipping on the ice and we fell onto the snow. I fell on top of him and I kissed him. It was the first time we had kissed since that disastrous kiss right after the Games when we had been playing for the cameras. It was full of fur and snowflakes and lipstick, but underneath it all, I could feel the steadiness that Peeta brought to everything. I knew I wasn't alone. No matter how little I did or how cold and unfriendly I could be he would never expose me in front of the cameras. He wouldn't condemn me with a half-hearted kiss even if I messed the other one so badly he thought I was repulsed by him. He was still looking out for me just as he had in the arena. It made me want to cry. I didn't deserve this kind of care. I stood up and pulled him to his feet before tucking my hand in his arm and pulling him along. He smiled at me as if he hadn't seen me this morning but I could tell it wasn't his real smile. It was the same smile he used around his mother.

The day passed in a blur. I said goodbye to my family including Posy who cried and Rory and Vic who made rude suggestions behind my aunt's back. I ate a delicious meal on the train in a daze and then went to bed but not to sleep. I sat in my compartment waiting for everyone to go to bed. I knew Haymitch would be up until late in the night. He never slept when other people were around.

When I knocked on the door he glared at me and if it hadn't been so important I would have gone off in a huff. Maybe it would have been better to talk to Peeta. But talking to him about this made me feel sick with guilt and I didn't want to worry him. When I suggested that we get some air his eyes narrowed and I knew he knew this was important.

We walked outside as the train stopped for fuel and Haymitch stumbled. Whether he was playing it up for the Capitol attendant or he was genuinely unsteady didn't matter. As we walked to the end of the train I poured out my story.

"You can't fail then." He told me.

"If you could just help me get through this trip-" I began

"No, Katniss, it's not just this trip." He replied.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"Even if you pulled it off, they'll be back for the Quell and then every year afterward. Every year they will replay your romance and private life. You'll never ever be able to do anything but be living your happily ever after with that boy."

The implication hit me then. I had no choice but to marry Peeta and live with him as his wife. It didn't matter if I never wanted to marry. It didn't matter if I wanted to marry someone else. It didn't even matter if I wanted to marry Peeta someday. I had no choice. I would have to be in love with him forever. Even though I didn't know what being in love was and was sure I didn't want to. I would only have a few years with my mother and Prim before I would have to marry Peeta and live with him. That part wouldn't be so bad. He was kind and we were friends. But the Capitol had already made it clear that friends weren't good enough. We would have to be lovers, a real married couple and….

"Do you understand what I mean?" He pressed.

Yes, I understood. I would have to do the thing I most feared. I would have to marry Peeta if I wanted my family to survive.

As we walked back to the train Haymitch gave me a pat on the shoulder and said, "You could do a lot worse, you know."

"I know that. That's not the point. It's just…" I felt my voice trail off unable to explain myself.

"Don't fight it, girl. You might as well make the best of a shitty situation. I know you care about the boy. That'll go a long way." He went off to his compartment taking the smell of wine with him.

I went to my room and removed all my wet clothing except my underwear and crawled into bed. I stared into the darkness thinking about my conversation with Haymitch. I knew all he said was true. It was also true that I could do a lot worse than Peeta. That wasn't the point. The one freedom we had all had in District 12 was marrying who you wanted to or not marrying at all. Well, at least Seam people could. I heard that Merchants had to marry who their parents wanted. Even then they could do as my mother did. That freedom was taken away from me. And I knew somehow that President Snow would insist I would have children. And they would have to face the reaping. Except it would be even worse since the children of two victors would be sure to be in the games. Gale was always convinced they rigged the reapings and it would be sure to be rigged for me.

I thought of Haymitch and his drinking and how he had no family. He had never married even though with his wealth he could have married any woman in the district. He chose solitude. Well, not solitude, more like solitary confinement. It would be even worse with a child since I couldn't volunteer for them. The idea of a child of mine dying made me sick.

I began to think of a way out. I could kill myself. Or run away. Could I run and never been seen again? Could I take my family and run as Gale had proposed before the Reaping? But no…I couldn't get distracted like that. There was too much at stake to make wild escape plans. I needed to put up a good show.

Dawn came before sleep and Effie woke me up. Wearily I dragged myself out of bed to put on something and eat. Our first stop was District 11. That was the worst district but it just happened to be my first since 12 was usually first. But since I was from 12 they saved the Victors district for the last.

I tried to enjoy the food as my aunt recommended. The kitchen staff made lamb stew, orange juice, and hot chocolate. I ate a lot but I didn't enjoy it. Only Effie was there. When I asked her where everyone is she said that Haymitch was still sleeping, Cinna was up late organizing my clothing and the rest of the prep team was sleeping. It made me annoyed that he didn't have the same amount of prep as me.

I had to have all my hair ripped from my body while he slept in. I hadn't thought about it much but all the boys got to keep their body hair where the girls didn't. I could remember Peeta's now, as I bathed him by the stream. Very blond in the sunlight, once the mud and blood were washed away. Only his face was smooth. All the boys were smooth even after days in the arena. They must have done something to stop the hair. I wished they would do that with my legs even though feeling the soft down on my legs gave me a comforting sense of being myself.

The prep team dragged in looking like a national emergency had just occurred. They drank coffee and took bright pills. The only thing worse was probably my leg hair. I had to submit to having each hair pulled out of my body and then soak in a horrible smelling concoction. My skin felt raw and I resembled a plucked chicken. Damn Peeta. He didn't have to go through this to look attractive.

The prep team opined the fact that Cinna refused any "alterations" to me. The idea of being made into one of the Capitol's freak show combined with the pain of my body, my insomnia, my mandatory marriage and the terror of President Snow's demands. By lunchtime, everyone had started without me and I felt like a rock had settled on my chest. They raved about the food and the wonderful way they slept. Everyone was excited except Haymitch who looked as sour as I felt. I picked at my food feeling overwhelmed. I didn't look at Peeta. I knew it wasn't his fault that all this was happening but it still made it hard to be around him.

People tried to bring me into the conversation but I brushed them off. When the train stopped a server came in to inform us that there was a malfunction and the train would be delayed for at least an hour. That sent Effie into a frenzy and she pulled out her schedule and complained about how horrible it was and how it will hurt us for the rest of our lives. I just couldn't stand it.

"No one cares, Effie!" I snapped. Everyone stared at me even Haymitch which was crazy considering he hated Effie's manners just as much as I did. "Well, no one does!" I said as left the car.

The train was stifling and I felt queasy so I stepped out. The air was warm and balmy and the trees were still green. How far south had we come in a day? I walked along the track and began regretting what I said to Effie. She wasn't to blame for my problems and my outburst was rude and she prized good manners above everything. But I continued on despite the impulse to go back and apologize. I walked past the end of the train and sat down on the ground.

I heard footsteps behind me a little later. I assumed it was Haymitch coming to chew me out. I knew I deserved it and my mother or aunt would have been even worse but I still didn't want to hear it.

"I'm not in a mood for a lecture," I said picking a clump of weeds.

"I'll keep it brief then." Peeta took a seat beside me.

"I thought you were Haymitch."

"No, he's still working on the muffin." I watched as he positioned his artificial leg. "Bad day, huh?"

"It's nothing," I said.

"Sure it is. You're in even worse a mood than usual which is saying something."

I thought about telling him. But then I remembered how I knew I would have to marry him and I knew how guilty he would get over that. He would have to know sometime. But somehow I didn't want to ruin our dynamic right when we needed to be in sync. If he got nervous I wouldn't make it.

"It's just I didn't sleep last night and I feel so much pressure to behave the way they want me to behave," I answered.

"I know. I can't sleep myself. But we can just keep on doing what we've been doing. You can pretend to laugh at all my stupid jokes." He bumped my shoulder and smiled.

"You know that's not enough. It isn't ever enough." I replied.

I was so tired. I leaned back and rested my head against his shoulder. I didn't care if friends didn't do that kind of thing. I was too tired to do anything. He put an arm around me and rubbed my arm up and down soothingly.

"I believe in you. I'm sorry about all of this. I'm sorry I ever tried this Star-Crossed Lovers thing."

"It wasn't your fault. I was the one that pissed off the Capitol with the berries. They aren't mad at you."

"Well, I think we've convinced them. It will be ok." I wished that he was right. But he wasn't. I hadn't convinced them. Not at all.

" I was thinking that even though we've been friends for months and I know you'd risk your life to save mine but I don't know your favorite color."

In spite of myself, a smile lifted the corner of my mouth, "That's going too far."

"Then what do I have to do to get that classified information. How many cheese buns do you want?"

"In that case, green. It's green. What's yours?" I replied.

"Orange."

"Orange? You mean like Effie's wig?" I asked.

"No, more muted. Like a sunset."

Sunset. In my eye, I could see it. The way the lake looked as the sun settled behind the mountains. I also could remember the tiger lily cookie he had baked me and that brought up the conversation with President Snow. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell Peeta the whole story. But Haymitch clearly didn't want me to tell him.

"You know everyone is raving about your paintings but you haven't let me see a single one."

"You saw that one in my room. The other ones are a bit more…uhh…graphic. But there is a whole train car full of them." He rose and took my hand and gently tugged me towards the train. "Come on."

It felt nice to feel his hand in mine not just for show but in genuine friendship. When we weren't play acting for the cameras we never really touched. We walked back to the train hand in hand. At the door, I remembered, "I've got to apologize to Effie first."

"Don't be afraid to lay it on thick," Peeta told me. I wondered how many times he had tried that with his mother. Effie would probably be much easier to deal with then Mrs. Mellark. For all her faults Effie was affable.

We got back to the dining car and found all the others still at lunch. I gave Effie an elaborate apology that would have been deemed excessive and insincere by Seam standards but to her probably just barely compensated for my tremendous rudeness. But Effie was gracious in accepting it and said she understood I was under a great deal of pressure. Her lecture about someone attending to the schedule only lasted a couple of minutes. I was let off easy.

After she was finished Peeta led me into the train car with his paintings. I had forgotten about the one in his room that I had seen the night we had dinner with his parents. It had been beautiful and though I was not really interested in art I wouldn't have minded looking at that piece. I had half expected when I had learned Peeta was an artist, that he painted art resembling the flowers and greenery on cakes. Some of the Merchant girls had chests painted with simple flowers that they stored crockery and table linens. But the paintings that lined the walls and stacked neatly were very different. No wonder he had warned me.

Even the ones that didn't look like much were the scenes from the Games. They were beautiful, some of them, but to me, they brought everything back. I was everywhere; in a tree, beating a shirt against stones, lying in a pool of blood. One was particular and sent a wave of something down my spine. It was up close and only my face and neck showed. It looked as if my face had emerged from a silvery mist that entirely matched my eyes. It must have been the way I looked to his fever-racked mind. But there was something in the expression of dream Katniss that frightened me. She gazed so tenderly out with all her emotions clearly on display. Perhaps the fear came because it showed how much he still cared for me and perhaps because part of the expression in her eyes might not have been the figment of his imagination.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"I hate them," I replied. At his slight expression of hurt, I added, "They are so real. All I do is try to forget. How do you remember it so perfectly?" I could almost smell the scent of blood, dirt and festering wounds.

"I see them every night." He replied. I nodded and kept looking at the pictures. I wondered if the Capitol would find these pictures acceptable. Did they glorify the Games or did they subtly criticize them? Even Cato was rendered, not as a fierce warrior but as a suffering boy being torn to bits by the Capitol created mutts. The boy in the picture would never feel the relief of death. Instead, he would serve as a reminder of the pain that would never end.

"Does it help? To paint?"

"I don't know. Maybe? I think I'm a little less afraid of going to sleep at night. At least that's what I tell myself. The nightmares haven't gone anywhere."

"Maybe they won't. Haymitch's haven't."

"No, but at least I would prefer to wake up with a paintbrush in my hands than a knife."

I offered to show him my "talent" but we both laughed knowing that I could claim no credit for all but a couple of lumpy scarves. As the train lurched forward he pulled me forward and said, "We're almost to District 11. Let's go look."

We went to the last car where there were chairs and couches and even better large windows that could be opened so you could sit with the fresh air flowing around you. As we looked the fence came into view. It was at least 35 ft tall and had coils of barbed wire that I was sure was electrified. The base had metal plates ensuring that no one ever escaped. The watchtowers set every so often had armed Peacekeepers with their eyes trained on the fields strewn with wildflowers.

"That's something different," Peeta commented. We must have been both thinking it. My "profession" would be impossible in District 11. Rue had mentioned how strict things were in her district but I hadn't imagined this. As we passed the crops we could see men, women, and children wearing straw hats working in the fields. They turned to look at us before going back to work. A man stood nearby and grabbed a child and lashed him across the bottom with a long stick. In the distance, I could see the orchards and I wondered if that's where Rue worked. The houses were even more decrepit and run down than the Seam but they were deserted except for an old woman sitting on the ground. I couldn't believe the vastness of the District.

"How many people do you think live here?" Peeta asked but I only shook my head. In school, they referred to it as a large district but I realized that they must have a sub reaping as there was no way all these children would fit into the town square.

"It's so…"I started.

"Yeah." He replied.

How had little Rue survived? How did anyone in this district survive? And how did President Snow expect me to calm the tensions when their concerns were so much greater than just a girl and a handful of berries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love the snow kiss in the movie so it is based on that. I think Katniss's conversation with Haymitch is really important. Her issue is being forced to get married not being upset over another guy like in canon. She just doesn't want to be married. You may notice a bit of aromanticism in her reaction. I see her as being demiromantic and right now everything is very confusing.
> 
> Then we get her little temper tantrum. I always thought it was so funny. I always wondered because it feels like Katniss is actually fond of Effie despite her annoying qualities. Obviously, Katniss's conversation with Peeta is very different since they are friends. But I did have to include the famous favorite color speech. I thought it was reasonable that considering their stress they might not have talked much about that kind of nonessential stuff. Plus Peeta is being a bit sassy which I like. He isn't afraid to tease her. I liked expanding on Peeta's paintings because they are one of the best ways to get his feelings from his POV. I was slightly inspired by the concept of "Suspended Animation" in which violent depictions can be used as a social commentary and warning. The dead continue to have a voice.


	4. Chapter 4 The Speeches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta give their speeches in District 11 and Peeta finds out what Katniss and Haymitch have been hiding.

It was overwhelming and far too vast. My head spun and I didn't even object when Effie whisked me off to dress. Cinna put me in a dress with autumn leaves which I knew Peeta would like. Effie ran us down a list of events and I tried hard to pay attention. Peeta had written most of the speeches and I was glad I hadn't told him about President Snow's warning. He did so well on his own.

The minute we stepped off the train I felt a wave of apprehension. The only people to greet us were Peacekeepers who immediately set us into an armed truck. Effie was horrified. But I knew it was for me. We were pushed into the Justice Building which was about as neglected and moth-eaten as the one back home. As the Mayor introduced us Effie gave us last minute instructions and nudged us forward.

It was the moment of reckoning. The moment I "proved" my undying love for Peeta and saved all of us. I wondered how I could do it. Kissing probably wouldn't be appropriate but maybe I could practice staring adoringly at him or something.

There was loud applause but not the rabid applause of the Capitol. The sun was so bright that it took some time for my eyes to adjust. Even though the square was packed with people it was probably only a fraction of the people living in 11. On the platform, the families of the tributes sat. There was an old woman and a girl that must have been Thresh's grandmother and sister perhaps. On Rue's side, there were five tiny little children that looked so much like her I nearly cried. Her parents looked distraught.

We moved through the scripted portions mechanically, our voices in the dull monotone of nearly every victor. Peeta didn't pull out the card where he had prepared his speech. Instead, he spoke from the heart about Thresh and Rue and how they helped me and how it was a debt we could never repay. Then he added something else. Something I was sure wasn't on the card. It was something as rebellious as the berries or covering Rue in flowers. "It can never repay your losses, but as a token of our thanks we'd like to donate one month of our earnings to the families of the tributes from District 11 for the rest of our lives."

The crowd went silent with shock and then broke out into murmurs. There was no precedent for what Peeta had done. I didn't even know if it was legal. He didn't know either or else he would have asked. The families stared at us in shock. A month of Victor earnings was enough to care for a whole family for a year.

I looked at Peeta and he gave me a sad smile. I thought of how Haymitch had said: "You could do a lot worse." At that moment I wondered how I could do better. The gift… it was perfect. When I rose to kiss him it wasn't forced at all.

The mayor gave us our plaques but just as the ceremony came to an end I saw Rue's little sister standing there. She looked so much like Rue it was terrifying. Her expression was reproachful and I realized it was because I hadn't said anything to her. I had let Peeta speak for me. Rue wouldn't have done that. Even my covering her with flowers would be useless if I didn't say something.

"Wait." I knew my time had passed but I didn't care. No matter how much money I donated it wouldn't make up for my silence. "I want to thank the tributes of District 11. I only spoke to Thresh one time but he spared my life. I didn't know him but I'll always respect him. For his power and his refusal to play the Games on anyone's term but his own. For his refusal to join the Career's even when they asked him."

The old woman almost smiled and the crowd stilled. I turned to Rue's family and said, "But I feel like I did know Rue and she'll always be with me. Everything beautiful brings her to me. I see her in the yellow flowers and the mockingjays and most of all in my sister Prim." My voice shook as I finished, "Thank you for your children. And thank you for your bread."

I stood there broken as the thousands of people stared at me. Then, from the crowd, a whistle began. It was Rue's melody. I saw the whistlers in the crowd. He was an old man in a red shirt and overalls.

Just as my eyes met his the crowd lifted their three middle fingers to their lips and then extended their hands towards me. Suddenly dread filled me. President Snow had warned me to keep the peace. To not only avoid saying anything rebellious but to stop the crowd from being rebellious. And I had done the opposite. Far from it, I had done everything to make it look like Peeta and I had been plotting it all along. I had inadvertently roused something dangerous. It was too late to stop it. The microphone was cut off and the Mayor said a few words before we waved to the crowd and stepped back inside. Peeta clearly didn't understand what had happened. Because I hadn't told him President Snow's warning he had no clue what effect his words would have.

I felt dizzy again and noticed that I had left my flowers behind. We stepped back towards the door to retrieve them. As we glanced out the open door we saw the Peacekeepers drag the whistler up the steps and forced him to his knees. And then they shot him in the head.

Instantly the Peacekeepers surrounded us pushing us back. Peeta pushed right back encircling me with an arm and saying "We get it, all right? Come on, Katniss."

The moment we were inside the doors slammed behind us and we were greeted by our team. Their faces were drawn and Effie fluttered on about the lost feed and gunfire and how everything had gone mad.

"Nothing's wrong, Effie. A car backfired." Peeta replied evenly. Just as he said it we could hear the sounds of more shots. Who was next? Was it one of Thresh and Rue's family?

"Both of you. With me." Haymitch grabbed our arms and dragged us forward as the others followed. We ascended the marble staircase and went down a long hall and into a room with a high ceiling and beautiful carvings. There was our evening clothing and the heavy scent of flowers that gave me a headache. We dropped off our gifts and Haymitch removed our mics and stuffed them under a cushion. He waved us forward much to my surprise for Haymitch had only been here once 24 years before. How did he remember? He led us up narrow stairways and through doors that hadn't been opened in years. We climbed up a rickety ladder that Peeta had difficulty with his leg. Finally, we arrived at our destination which proved to be the dome of the Justice Building.

It was full of odds and ends of broken objects and dust coated everything. There was very little light coming in from the grimy windows. Haymitch closed the door and said, "What happened?"

Peeta related all that had happened. Then he asked, "What's going on, Haymitch?"

"It will be better coming from you," Haymitch said to me.

I didn't agree. I knew that it would be a thousand times worse for me. For suddenly the enormity of what I had kept from Peeta struck me. I had no real good reason for doing either. I was just ashamed of how badly I had messed things up. And now I had gone and made things a hundred times worse. But I told him as calmly as I could everything that had happened. I told him about President Snow and his warnings and suspicions. I told him about the conversation in the woods and how President Snow had evidence on me. "I'm supposed to fix things on the tour. Make everyone believe I was crazy out of love. Calm things down. But all I've done is get three people killed, and everyone in the square will be punished." I felt so sick I had to sit down on the damaged couch.

"Then I made everything worse, too. With the money." Peeta replied. The look in his eyes frightened me. They grew dark with anger and he suddenly seized a lamp and threw it across the room where it shattered into thousands of pieces. "This has to stop. Right now. This-this game you two play, where you keep secrets from me. I'm not too stupid or inconsequential or weak to handle them."

"It's not like that, Peeta-" I began.

"It's exactly like that!" he yelled at me. "I have people I care about too, Katniss! Family and friends in 12 who will be just as dead as yours if we don't pull this thing off. So, after all, went through in the arena and all this time we have been friends, don't I even rate the truth from you?"

"You're always so reliably good, Peeta," said Haymitch. "So smart about being on camera. I didn't want to disrupt that."

"Well, you really overestimated me. Because I really fucked up this time. What do you think will happen to Rue and Thresh's families? Do you think they'll get a coin of that money? Did I give them a bright future? It will be a miracle if they last a day." Peeta sent a stature flying against the wall where broke with a resounding crash. I had never seen him like this. I glanced at Haymitch who seemed surprised.

The sudden, uncontrolled rage shocked me. It was far more to my style than his. Far more to his angry, vengeful mother than the boy I had always thought of as so good and kind. He had never been so angry at me, not even when I had told him about my act in the arena. I knew I deserved it. I hadn't just hurt his feelings I had endangered his family. And in the process, I had made everyone suffer.

"He's right, Haymitch," I said. "We were wrong not to tell him. Even in the Capitol."

"Even in the arena, you two had some sort of system worked out, didn't you?" His voice was quieter but the anger had chilled to a coldness that was almost worse. "Something I wasn't part of."

"Not officially. I just could tell what he wanted me to say what he sent or didn't send." I replied. I had thought he had forgiven me for my betrayal in the arena. But clearly, he hadn't.

"Well, he never gave me that opportunity. Because he didn't send me anything until you showed up," said Peeta.

I hadn't thought of that. How it must have felt to lie dying in a mud bank and not receive a single gift while I got bread and burn medicine. It was as if Haymitch had been keeping me alive at Peeta's expense. Had that been true?

"Look, boy-" Haymitch began.

"Don't bother, Haymitch. I knew you had to choose one of us. And from your perspective it was her. And I would have wanted it that way. But this is different. People died because you couldn't bother to tell me. More people will die if we don't give the performance of a lifetime. We all know I'm better on camera than Katniss. I don't need to be coached on what to say. But I have to know what I'm walking into. I thought we had convinced them. Katniss implied that was so."

"From now on, you'll be fully informed," Haymitch said.

"I better be," Peeta replied. He didn't look at me as he left. The dust he disrupted settled on me in a choking wave.

I was hurt, guilty and angry. The hurt and guilt were too difficult to deal with so I turned on Haymitch and used the one emotion I was familiar with, anger. "Did you choose me, Haymitch?"

"Yeah," he replied having the decency to look uncomfortable.

"Why? You like him better."

"That's true. But remember, until they changed the rules, I could only hope to get one of you out." He replied. " I knew that since he was so determined to get you home I might be able to do that. And you were a real survivor."

I didn't know what to say but Haymitch went on, "You'll see, the choices you'll make. If we survive this. You'll learn."

"I already have. He clearly hates me." I replied.

"He doesn't. But I suppose I underestimated him. Didn't see that temper coming. But that boy loves you too much to stay angry at you long."

I flushed guiltily. Always I tried to forget that fact to make my conscience prick me less. As we went downstairs I pondered what had happened. District 11 was much different than 12. We had some freedom and our hardships were to be endured not fought against. But in a place like 11, a single spark could set it all ablaze. Everything was happening too fast. The warnings, the shootings, the recognition of danger all came within two days. How had I stirred up so much trouble accidentally?

The prep team prattled about parties and dinners with excitement. They apparently were not of a high enough social status in the Capitol to attend the most prestigious parties so this sort of event is chance in a lifetime for them. I could only focus on the old man being shot and ignored them. My dress, a pale pink creation that was strapless and revealed most of my minimal cleavage, was constricting my breathing. Cinna put a silvery wrap on my shoulders. He subtly reminded me to smile. I managed to lift the corners of my mouth and he nodded.

Effie was out of sorts but I suspected that she remained in blissful ignorance of the true state of affairs. Apparently, her big complaint was the lack of respect we were shown. She had been shoved by a Peacekeeper and was so horrified that in spite of myself I gave her a hug and said, "That's horrible. We should avoid the stupid dinner until they apologize."

Effie brightened and gave me a little pat on the cheek and replied, "Oh no. I'll manage. That's the part of the job. And you mustn't miss the dinner. But thank you for your offer, Katniss."

As we prepared for our entrance Peeta whispered to me, "Haymitch said I was wrong to yell at you. You were just acting under his instructions. And I have kept things from you before."

I remembered the confession of love at the interview and how Haymitch had kept that from me as well. "I broke a few things myself over that one."

"Just an urn." He replied.

"And your hands. There's no point in it, is there? Not being straight with each other?"

"No, there's no point. Besides, that's what friends do. But that's what made me so mad. I thought you trusted and respected me enough to tell me the truth. If I thought you were doing it because of Haymitch I would understand."

I had no time to reply as the spotlight appeared and I had to force a smile. We were introduced to what seemed to be hundreds of District 11 elite. There were also the Capitol officials that lived in District 11. Probably this was the only excitement they got all year.

We got through it but I found the burden of play acting fell on me. I was so anxious to mend the sudden rift between Peeta and I that I did better than usual. We danced and laughed and kissed but I could feel the coldness between us. I wondered if that was the way it felt to kiss me. A normal person probably wouldn't have been able to see that Peeta was angry but I could. His smile was as brilliant as ever but it never reached his eyes.

There was no need to warn him that he needed to be more authentic. That was something that always irritated me. I had so much trouble discussing my feelings. If I was angry or hurt or happy you could always tell. Fortunately, I was rarely ever anything but angry. But with Peeta, he could be seething with anger and only I could tell. And perhaps Haymitch. No one could have been more careful of me or made as many compliments. But I felt the hollowness in each and everyone.

By the time we were whisked back to the train, I was exhausted and my feet hurt. I carefully undressed and washed my face of the makeup before putting on one of the nightgowns provided. At home, I wore a thick flannel one that went to my ankles that my Aunt made. It was an ugly red check print but it was warm and comforting and practical. Here the nightdresses were thin and seductive. I selected the most modest one out of the bunch and put it own before slipping on my robe. I knew I couldn't sleep. I also knew I couldn't stand this enmity between us. I couldn't carry the burden of keeping up the Star-Crossed Lovers routine on my own. And I needed my friend back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite chapters in the book and one of my favorites to recreate. I think we learn a lot about both Katniss and Peeta as well as District 11. Peeta in many ways really sparked the rebellion with his speech in District 11. I'm not surprised that Coin weirdly enough saw something in him most people didn't. The horror of what happens to the people in District 11 always makes me sick. The man who was killed made a huge impact on Katniss and all the other people who witnessed it.
> 
> And we see Peeta straight up lose it. I think this is a bit of a foreshadowing of the hijacking. Also, it helps disprove the myth that Peeta is a passive, whiny boy so obsessed with Katniss that he would do anything for her. He gets straight up furious and starts throwing things. Admittedly not at her but still...In canon, he forgives her more quickly and starts asking about her kiss with Gale. In this story since Katniss and Peeta have already been friends for months, he feels even more betrayed. Also, Katniss doesn't really have a good reason to hide things from him. So he's not really ready to forgive her right away. Katniss needs to learn to stop hiding things from him. But he's definitely mad and Katniss sure doesn't like that. Maybe a tiny bit of her finds it sexy. Who knows?
> 
> Also, I cracked up a bit imaging Katniss sleeping in a flannel granny gown like Lanz nightgowns. Let's be honest. I think she cares most about being comfortable. Sexy isn't something she cares about.


	5. Chapter 5 Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta reconcile and continue the Tour.

I went to Peeta's room and tapped on the door. He opened it without a shirt obviously not expecting me. "I thought you were Haymitch."

"Can we talk?" I asked. I noticed he looked less angry and just plain tired.

"Sure, just let me put something on." I bit my lip unable to help noticing that he had gained back most of the strength he had lost in the arena. He looked muscular and strong which was rare in District 12. Even Gale who was usually tall didn't have much visible muscle. Having muscle was a sign of having enough to eat and very few people in District 12 had enough to eat. It reminded me that Peeta Mellark, for all of his kindness, was a formidable opponent. Fortunately, we were playing on the same team. At least we had been.

I led him back to the train car with the open windows. I surmised that with the speed of the train it would be impossible for the cameras to pick up our voices provided we whispered. They could see us, of course, but whispering in each other's ear would only look lover like.

"Why did you hide it from me? I know it's more than Haymitch. I know you don't love me but I thought we were friends. And friends share things especially when it could hurt people." His voice was softer and sounded hurt which was almost worse than when he was angry. I was good with dealing with anger. I generally got angry back. That's how Gale and I always fought. We would just say all kinds of mean things and then forget about it later. We never really took what each other said seriously.

"I don't know. I'm just not good making friends. And saying things to them. I'm so used to keeping things to myself." I whispered in his ear. I was practically sitting in his lap.

"I know. I know how strong and independent you are. But we aren't going to succeed if you don't trust me." Peeta replied. We were so close our faces were just an inch apart. The wind whipped my loosened hair around my face and I could barely hear him so I felt fairly secure the cameras couldn't pick up what we were saying.

"Do you think we can pull it off?" I wanted to bite my nails but the preps had painted my nails with a horrible tasting polish for that reason.

"I hope so. The problem is that I don't think it matters. Those people today didn't care why we did what we did."

The thought made my stomach clench with fear. Then a horrible thought occurred to me. So far Peeta had been reasonably safe because President Snow hadn't doubted his love for me. But he had implied that I had somehow convinced Peeta to join me in some sort of rebellious activity. The speech he gave could have easily been misconstrued as him stirring up the people to revolt. It would look as if we planned the whole thing together. To blatantly defy President Snow in the face of his warning made the case against me rise.

"What will they do to us?" I spoke softly.

"I don't know. That was the hardest district. The other ones should be easier, at least for you. If we can convince him that we didn't mean to start anything perhaps he won't hurt our families."

I thought of Prim and Rory who were both eligible for the Reaping. Vic and Posy were too young but there were plenty of other things to be done to them. President Snow had already threatened Gale knowing that he was far too rebellious and passionate for his own good. My mother and aunt were even in danger. Peeta's whole family was implicated. No one close to us was safe.

I heard a sound in the doorway but it was just the shifting of the train. A wave of exhaustion passed over me. I hadn't slept in what seemed like years. I yearned for the safety and security of the cave where I had slept in his arms. I didn't know if that was normal to feel for a friend but I didn't care. It gave me comfort from the terrible nightmares that never seemed to end.

"I guess we better go to bed. As Effie says, "It's going to be a big, big day.'" I yawned as I stood up.

"Goodnight, Katniss." He gave me a reassuring smile and I felt certain that things were ok between us again. It was a relief knowing that I didn't have to shoulder the burden of the Star-Crossed Lovers alone. I suddenly wanted to ask him to stay with me like we had been in the cave. I hated the idea of going back to my compartment alone and staring at the ceiling until morning came. Or waking up from a nightmare and trying to figure out if it was real. But I couldn't ask him to stay. Friends didn't sleep in the same bed like that.

The next few days were awful. There were endless ceremonies and parties and hours spent on the train as the preps fiddled with my hair and makeup. We gave our speeches on script standing with linked arms and then we were taken to be entertained by the District elite. At the dinners we were deliriously in love kissing, dancing and trying to sneak away to be alone. I wondered how my family would feel. I felt certain they would be horrified by my open display of myself. But I had bigger things to worry about than their disproval. When we were alone we were miserable trying to figure out what effect our actions would have.

I could feel the tension in the air in many districts especially 8,4, and 3. We were greeted with elation by the crowds but underneath the elation was fury. They shouted my name like a call for vengeance. The Peacekeepers that tried to keep the crowd back found the crowd resisting. I knew then that no show of love, however believable, would be able to turn the tide. If my holding out those berries was madness then the people would embrace the madness. If I was motivated by love then they too were motivated by love.

I thought of Gale and my father who labored in the mines and wondered how they would have viewed such a display if I was some girl from another district. I knew that my father, who had braved the stigma of marrying outside of the Seam, would have respected my decision regardless of my motives. And wasn't love, the kind that was willing to give up one's life for another or with another, more dangerous than any political statement?

The strain wore on me as the days passed endlessly. I stopped being able to eat and Cinna kept having to take in my dresses. The nightmares were so horrible I woke up most nights screaming. Effie gave me a pill on the fourth night but it made everything much worse. It trapped me in my nightmares forcing me to relieve everything endlessly. Peeta, who was roaming the train instead of bothering to lie down rushed in and managed to calm me down.

I didn't even need to ask him to stay. He climbed into bed beside me and held me as I fell asleep. It was so comforting to be simply held with no expectation or strain. All the nights afterward I let him into my bed. We never really discussed the sleeping arrangement at all. It simply happened. We managed the nights as we had in the cave, shielding each other from every danger.

I thought the Capitol people were completely unshockable but apparently, I was mistaken. The arrangement became the subject of gossip on the train which I ignored. I didn't care a bit if the Capitol people thought it was inappropriate.

"Katniss, I really must talk to you about something." Effie began one morning.

"Yes?" I questioned looking up from my breakfast. It was just Effie and I and when I questioned Effie she had said Peeta and Haymitch were talking about the tour. I suddenly had a very bad idea of what Effie was about to talk about.

"I understand that you are young and in love but really you must make an effort to be more…well, discreet. Your sleeping arrangement is quite inappropriate. I can't stop you exactly but really you must make an effort to be less…open about it." Effie blinked her purple eyelashes at me and picked at a muffin.

"It's not like we're doing anything wrong," I replied. I understood that Effie was really genuinely worried about me and oddly enough I felt closer to her now than any other time. She really wasn't bad underneath it all.

"It looks very bad and as your escort, I am expected to keep up your image. What if someone was to find out?" I inwardly groaned. Effie didn't really care about me at all. All she cared about was my "public image." Well, that was good. If President Snow thought I was doing "inappropriate things" with Peeta on the train maybe he would be convinced.

"We'll be more discreet," I replied. Effie smiled and resumed eating.

"Good. A good reputation once lost can never be found again." Effie added as I picked at my food. I thought of my family again knowing that they wouldn't understand. Once this dreadful tour was over we would be going back home. I hoped that my nightmares would get better once I got home. If they didn't there was no real remedy. My mother would never allow me to sleep with Peeta even if she believed me that everything was platonic.

Peeta was quiet that night and I wondered if it was because we had been in District 8. He had killed the girl from 8. Of course, she had been dying anyway but it still weighed heavily on his mind. I woke up several times to find his eyes still open and fixed on the opposite wall. I shifted slightly until I was looking up at him, my nose still tucked against his shoulder. I didn't smell his usual scent of cinnamon and dill. He smelled like whatever strong Capitol perfume they put on him. I didn't like it.

"You ok?" I whispered. It was a stupid question. We weren't ok, we never would be. But it was a question of degrees. Was he ok enough to function?

"Yeah, I just can't stop thinking of her. She was in so much pain. She was so scared." His voice sounded drained.

"It's not your fault. You put her out of her misery. She would have died a horrible death the other way. And nobody blamed you. Not even the people in the crowds." It was strange how easily I could comfort him over his "kill" when I blamed myself for each of mine.

"I know. But her blood was all over my hands. Sometimes I can still see it. It doesn't matter how often I wash them." I shuddered. Somehow using a bow and arrow gave distance. Glimmer, the boy from 1, the girl from 4 and even Cato had been disposed of without my having to touch their dead body. Well, I had with Glimmer but that had been to raid her body for my bow. To kill someone with a knife was intimate and bloody.

I didn't try to say anything. I knew it wouldn't help. I wasn't very good at talking anyway. I reached out gently smoothing his hair in what I hoped was a comforting gesture. I wasn't very good at that but I felt obligated to try. He was always comforting me from my nightmares by holding me tight and reminding me that it was just a nightmare.

"Did Effie talk to you like Haymitch did to me?" he asked obviously trying to change the subject.

"Yes, but I think she was more concerned about it being bad manners," I said. Effie's conversation had been so bizarre I had dismissed it. In District 12 her concern would have been justified. In the Capitol, it was just hypocritical.

"Haymitch just laughed and said he wasn't my father. I told him the truth and he said we were lucky."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we don't have to be alone. Can you imagine how he must have felt on his tour?" he replied.

"That must be why he drinks so much." I couldn't imagine having to do this alone.

"Yeah, well, I guess we all have our ways to cope."

Going to Districts 1 and 2 was a special kind of horrible. I had contributed to the deaths of both Cato and Clove and I had by my own hand killed both Glimmer and the boy from 1. I found out his name was Marvel. I hadn't wanted to know his name before.

The people in 2 were respectful and quiet, cheering when appropriate but without enthusiasm. I knew that for them losing two tributes to a couple of upstarts from 12 must have irked them. District 2 wasn't at all what I expected. I had expected most of the people to be spoiled like Cato and Clove. But they were fierce, determined and loyal to the Capitol. No wonder, they were apparently President Snow's favorite. That night I hardly slept at all for the nightmares.

District 1 was even worse. All I could remember was Glimmer's beautiful body destroyed by Tracker Jackers. She had been silly, pretentious and cruel but I didn't think she was as bloodthirsty as Cato and Clove. She was too spoiled. I tried to figure out if I felt guilt over Marvel. I didn't. He had murdered Rue and for that, I couldn't forgive him. Perhaps at heart, it was the Capitol but it had been his weapon that had ended her life.

We had no way of knowing if any of our actions were successful. I wondered if President Snow hadn't been playing me all along. That he was sending me on a fruitless escapade simply to punish me later. It seemed like the kind of thing he would do. I had visions of coming home to find Prim, Gale or another member of my family dead.

By the time we reached the Capitol, we were desperate. We made the endless appearances to the adoring crowds. There was no need to quell uprisings in the Capitol among the privileged elite who grew fat on the blood, sweat, and tears of the workers like my father and Gale. Their children would never face a reaping or be punished for crimes they didn't commit. They also seemed completely convinced of our love. Nevertheless, we held out a slim hope that if we reached anyone we failed to convince before we might be saved. But whatever we did seemed too little, too late.

It was back in the Training Center when I asked Haymitch if we had done it, "I think Sweetheart, that you did what you could."

"What else could we do?" I asked pacing around the room in agitation.

"Short of getting married and having a dozen children, nothing," Haymitch replied flippantly.

"Then let's do it. Get married I mean. Maybe that will be enough. If Peeta were to propose during the interview with Ceasar it might convince them." I felt proud of my solution but when I turned to Peeta I saw that he had that same hurt look he had when I told him I had been partly acting for the cameras.

"Ok, sure. If you think it will help, I'll do it." He said as he got up.

"It might work," Haymitch replied doubtfully.

Peeta disappeared for a long time to his room. I started after him resolved to try to say something or do something. I wasn't sure what I could say or do but I felt obligated to try. But Haymitch told me to leave him alone.

"I thought he wanted it, anyway," I told Haymitch. I thought of most of the people I knew. How marriage was, for them, a type of possession. I would belong to him, wasn't that enough?

"Not like this," Haymitch replied. "He wanted it to be real."

I went to my own room and crawled under the covers for a nap. I felt horribly guilty. I couldn't love Peeta the way he wanted both because of my own fears and because of the way he was being forced upon me by the Capitol. But how could I explain that? At least my family would be forced to lay off of me once I was engaged. I wondered if they would suspect the truth. Only Gale and Madge knew that it was fake but did my keen-eyed aunt or mother suspect? I couldn't be sure but so far they had kept it to themselves.

That night we appeared in front of the huge crowd where the interviews had been conducted. Ceasar Flickerman asked us a hoard of questions about our lives in District 12. We ignored anything remotely serious and pretended that our lives since winning the Games had been perfect. I sat there and smiled, shyly laughing and blushing. Normally I hated my tendency to blush but it served me well on camera. A flush of anger or embarrassment looked sweet and romantic.

"So, Katniss and Peeta, what's next for you? We're dying to find out your plans for the future." Ceasar said dramatically.

Peeta and I glanced at each other. This was it. The last chance to convince President Snow and the Districts that we were so desperately in love that we had been willing to die rather than live without the other. Well, it was me they were questioning. And in this, all I had to do was accept. And that wasn't really impressive. I should be the one proposing.

"Oh, my...It can't be…It is…" Caesar was saying as Peeta knelt in front of me. I wished he would shut up. It was just a reminder that the Capitol was in control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We see Katniss and Peeta have finally reconciled. While I thought it was in character for him to not forgive her instantly I don't believe he would have forgiven her pretty quickly. Peeta doesn't hold grudges. I posted that scene at the end of my previous story as a preview. It's one of my favorite scenes.
> 
> I also think that President Snow encouraging Katniss to act "in love" might have backfired. It made her more sympathetic than some rabel rousing rebel. And finally, Katniss gets her cuddling. She was totally missing that lol. I added the scene with them talking about the girl from 8 because we never really get much from Peeta's perspective about how he felt about all the deaths. I personally have a headcanon that he killed someone else at the bloodbath since the Careers said he was good with a knife. But I didn't include that in this story since it would change the characterization, especially what Finnick said about Peeta. I think Collins was being a tad bit inconsistent there.
> 
> Effie and Katniss's conversation cracks me up. I always wonder because we are told the Capitol is very sexually open. But when it comes to Katniss things seem different. And it isn't just Effie. The story says it becomes a source of gossip. I always found that very odd. Katniss may be "pure" but she doesn't care about gossip. She knows the truth and that's all that matters. At this point, I genuinely think that she's more interested in the comfort and support than any sort of sexual thing. Perhaps later that changes :)


	6. Chapter 6 A Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta proposes, the Capitol has a party and Katniss sees more than she should at the Mayor's house.

"Katniss, I've loved you since I was just five years old. But I didn't really know you until we were thrown together. And since then I have fallen for you a little more each day. I love how much you sacrifice for the people you love and how even when you're scowling you are still the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. So, will you do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me?" He took my hands that were lying limply on my lap and gripped them earnestly as he poured out his heart to me.

I didn't have to fake surprise. When I had asked him to propose I had half expected him to pour out some sentimental, sappy speech strewn with those awful labels we had once used for each other. But it sounded exactly like the kind of proposal he would have used in real life. It was so genuine that I found myself tearing up. I somehow knew that the words he used were real. I could never repay him for any of this. Not for the bread or the love he gave me. I leaned forward and kissed him trying to convey something of this but sure I failed. And then I said clearly, loud enough for the Capitol to pick up, "Yes, of course, I'll marry you."

"People of the Capitol, people of Panem, you are witnessing the historic moment. The Star-Crossed Lovers of District 12 that we saw struggle for their love are star-crossed no longer." Caesar seemed beside himself with excitement, the Capitol crowd was hysterical and even the shots of the Districts seemed to show jubilant joy. As for me, I could only feel the sense of emptiness in my heart knowing that all of this was a carefully constructed lie.

President Snow made a surprise appearance to congratulate us. He took Peeta's hand and gave him an approving pat on the shoulder. But when he turned to me and embraced me, redolent with the smell of blood and roses, kissing me on the cheek it took everything in me to resist a shudder of loathing. When he pulled back and smiled I searched his face and raised my eyebrows. I was asking if I had done enough. His only answer was a tiny shake of the head.

In that slight motion, I saw the end of hope, the beginning of the destruction of everything I held dear in the world. I didn't know what form my punishment would take but knew when he was finished there would be nothing left. One would think that at that moment I would be plunged into despair. But instead, the emotion most prevalent was relief. I no longer needed to play the game. I no longer needed to wonder if I had succeeded because my question had been answered. That if desperate times called for desperate measures than I was free to be as desperate as I wished.

Of course, I had to get back to District 12 and consult my family. And Peeta, if he was willing. And then I had to add Haymitch as well. These were the people I needed to take with me into the wild. I didn't have a clue how to convince them to flee or even how we would survive in winter or how to evade capture. But at least the horrible game was over. I was free to be myself.

I didn't, therefore, crumple to the ground and weep but instead stood tall and confidently. My smile, if slightly insane, wasn't forced. And President Snow addressed the audience, "What do you think about us throwing them a wedding right here in the Capitol?"

I was able to pull off the girl-almost-catatonic-with-joy without a hitch. Caesar asked the President about a date and President Snow replied, "Oh before we set it we better run it by Katniss's mother." He even put his arm around me and said, "Maybe if the whole country puts their mind to it we can get you married off before you are thirty."

"You'll probably have to pass a new law." I giggled wondering where this girl had come from. I certainly rarely met her except on camera.

"If that's what it takes." President Snow replied with an air of conspiratorial good humor. Oh, the fun we two have together.

The party held in the President's mansion was unparalleled. The luxury of the room, the food, and the clothing made my head spin. I found myself absolutely famished after starving myself so long. Peeta was shocked at my transformation from the nervous and terrified girl into this confident, reckless person. I realized with a sinking heart that he must have believed that the President thought we succeeded. Or even that I had some genuine happiness over the engagement. I would have to explain later what President Snow had indicated but I couldn't possibly explain the change in my attitude. I couldn't understand it myself.

I met a crowd of people only noticing that my Mockingjay pin had become all the rage. I only imagined how furious President Snow must have been over seeing my image everywhere in the Capitol. To the Capitolites our story was a romantic one of a desperate girl fighting to save her lover. I found all of these people a distraction from the food.

The prep team came up halfway through the night and shocked both of us by proposing we drink the green liquid that made you throw up so you could eat more. I was disgusted but the shock passed away soon enough. This was the Capitol and they were like that. But Peeta's face darkened as he set the glass untasted on the tray as if it was a bomb. I knew him well enough to see the rage concealed under the placid surface.

"Come on, Katniss, let's dance." I had been to a few dances in District 12 which were set to rousing fiddle music. They were for the whole family and I remembered hopping around holding Prim's or Posy's hands. Sometimes even my aunt could be induced to dance. My father used to play the fiddle at the dances. My mother never danced or even went to any of the events. Vic and Rory always shouted and laughed like the small terrors they were. Gale was always surrounded by pretty girls who forgave him for having two left feet. I always stayed clear of him as I didn't want my feet crushed. Sometimes I thought he was intentionally bad at dancing so as to show himself above it all.

Effie had shown Peeta and I a few dances from the Capitol. They were slow, sedate and romantic. Fortunately, she gave up the more complex steps and allowed us to simply stand there moving in a lazy circle. He pulled me close as we danced to the soft, dreamlike music. I could feel the tension in his movements though there was a smile that seemed permanently etched on his face.

"You go along, thinking you can deal with it, thinking that maybe they're not so bad, and then you…" His voice came out in a strained whisper as it slowly died off. His lips were practically against my ear and to an outsider, it would look like he was saying some sweet nothing to me.

All I could think of was the starved bodies of the children that ended up on our kitchen table as my mother pronounced that there was nothing to be done. They were starving to death. She could send food with them now that we were rich but before there was nothing to give them and most of the time the children were too far gone to save. Here in the Capitol, they were vomiting so they could eat more. It wasn't about an illness of body or even of mind but a party routine. I had a hard time understanding the appeal as I abhorred throwing up but it struck me as the most blatant display of the Capitol's might. It didn't have a purpose.

I remembered a time when Vic was sick with a bad cold and how he had spent fifteen minutes talking about having a spoonful of corn syrup on bread with his siblings. He said that a little later in the week they might have it again. My aunt had said he could have another spoonful in tea to soothe his cough but he had refused unless the others could have it too. And Gale always fed his family better than most of the Seam.

"Peeta, they bring us here to fight for their entertainment. This is nothing in comparison."

"I know. I know that but sometimes I just can't stand it anymore. To the point where…I'm not sure what I'll do." He paused and then whispered so softly I could barely hear him, "Maybe we were wrong."

"About what?"

"About trying to subdue the districts." He said.

I glanced around me in terror but it seemed as if no one heard. Most people were too drunk or self-involved to care.

"Sorry." He whispered. He should be. The President's mansion was not the place to voice such thoughts.

"Save it for home," I told him.

I was introduced to Plutarch Heavensbee and noticed the way that the mask on both of our faces returned. The idea of being touched by a Gamemaker was about as appealing as being touched by a maggot but I couldn't refuse. He was respectful though much to my relief. I found out he was the man who fell into the punch bowl and he revealed himself to be the new Head Gamemaker. He made it a point to reinforce the idea that there was a strategy meeting at midnight. As he did so I saw the flash of the face of his watch. Printed on it was a Mockingjay.

I was puzzled by Plutarch and went to find Peeta who was talking with the Capitol bakers about the cakes. They even brought him an assortment of little cakes to take back to District 12 so he could examine their work. As I listened to them gush Effie came over and told us that we had to be on the train at one. I was thankful for her obsessive punctuality. We collected the rest of the team and said goodbye to the important people. President Snow was notably absent. Effie said he was too busy to go to parties.

We managed to get to the train on time and Haymitch was deposited dead drunk in his room. Effie reminded me we had to go to the Harvest Festival and orders us off to bed.

When I awoke the next morning it was already early afternoon. I didn't remember sleeping that long since I was a small child. My head rested on Peeta's arm. I didn't remember him coming in the night before. I turned trying not to disturb him but he was already awake.

"No nightmares." He commented.

"What?"

"You didn't have any nightmares last night," he said.

He was right. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I had slept through the night. "I had a dream, though. I was following a Mockingjay through the woods. It was Rue. When it sang it had her voice."

"Where did she take you?" he asked, brushing the hair from my face.

"I don't know. We never arrived. But I felt happy." I said feeling a smile touch my lips.

"Well, you slept like you were happy," he commented. I thought of how strange it was that we already knew how each other slept. Certainly, most friends were not so intimate. But ours had always been an unusual friendship.

"Peeta, how come I never know when you're having a nightmare?" I said.

"I don't know. I don't think I scream or thrash or anything. I just come to, paralyzed with terror," he replied.

"You should wake me," I said thinking of all the times I had woken him up, sometimes two or three times on a bad night. And sometimes it took a long time to calm me.

"It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm ok once I realize you're there."

I winced slightly and turned away. Peeta made comments like that in such an offhand way, it was like getting hit in the gut. He was only answering my question honestly. He wasn't pressing me to reply in kind or to make a declaration of love. But I still felt awful as if I was using him in some way. I was usually able to rationalize our odd friendship but sometimes I wondered if it was would have been easier for him to have a clean break. Then perhaps he would be free to fall for some girl with a free heart. I only knew that for the first time I felt immoral about having him in my bed. Even though nothing inappropriate had occurred and even though we were engaged I couldn't help the stab of guilt.

"Be worse when we're home and I'm sleeping alone again," he said.

I nodded knowing that I could never sleep with him once I got home. My mother would have locked me in a room before she allowed it and my aunt would have been even worse. I was happy to be home but I also realized I had plans to make. Plans that were difficult and hazardous. I had to warn Gale and somehow get him to help me with my plans. I had to tell Peeta what President Snow had indicated and potentially face his disappointment at my failures.

But first, there was the dinner at the Mayor's home and the Harvest Festival tomorrow. I decided to wait to talk plans until they were over. I couldn't be certain the Capitol wasn't listening in and due to my sleeping in there was little time to explain anything.

We were whisked off to Madge's home right after getting off the train. I had no opportunity to even see my family before I was hustled into her home. I gave her a quick hug and she smiled at me before Effie hurried me off to be dressed. The dress was silver and floor length with a puffy skirt that had piles of heavy material to give it a bell-like shape. My waist was constructed with a straight, boned undershirt that made it difficult to breathe. I felt dizzy and decided that it was no surprise that Capitol people fainted frequently. Cinna apologized for the discomfort but told me that the dress was customary.

I still had an hour to kill so I went to go find Madge. In the months since I had come home from the Games, she had become a real friend to me. She was always my friend but until then I wasn't really willing to admit it. I spent a lot of time in her empty house listening to her play her piano. I even took her out hunting a couple of times. She wasn't a bad shot though she didn't get enough practice to be good. At least her tread was light.

Ever since I found out that Gale really did like her I was a little uncomfortable. Since he couldn't openly date her due to her parent's disproval we had to bee a little creative. He started stopping by on Sunday's with me. Her parents were none the wiser than that Panem's newest Victor and her cousin were visiting. Her father was always busy with his work and her mother was constantly ill with terrible headaches. I would watch them as they talked or occasionally Madge would try to teach Gale to play the piano. He wasn't remotely interested but he couldn't bear that Madge thinks him incapable of doing it so he actually wasn't bad. I felt distinctly like a third wheel even though they did everything they could to include me. A change had already entered my life and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I always knew Gale would probably marry just like Prim would but it was hard to feel left behind. And once in awhile, I felt a little envious. I didn't want romance, not at all, but there was something about the secret smiles that they wore when they thought I wasn't looking that gave me a little pang.

I stuck my head into her father's study to say hello. I rarely saw her father in my visits to her house but he had always been perfectly polite if a little distant. I sometimes saw Madge stare at my family a little wistfully. I did know one thing. My aunt had all but adopted Madge into her own family. My mother and Prim adored her as well.

The room was empty and the television was on. I saw endless shots of Peeta and me dancing, kissing and eating at the party the night before. I rolled my eyes. How sick everyone must be of us. I certainly was sick of the whole routine. I was about to leave the room when I heard a beeping noise. A flashing banner appeared on the screen reading "Update on District 8". Despite the fact that this was clearly not meant for my eyes I remained fixed to the spot. The woman on the screen announced that the conditions were worsening and that additional resources were being brought into the district. I saw the mobs of people with their faces hidden throwing bricks, the buildings burning and the Peacekeepers shooting into the crowd at random. I realized that I was witnessing what President Snow had warned about. It was an uprising.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't post last week but I'm swamped with finals and had a lot of assignments to finish. In this chapter we see Peeta propose. It always frustrated me that we never heard what he said. Katniss is touched but confused as usual. Then we have the party and the whole bulimia thing. That always makes me feel a little uncomfortable as a person with an eating disorder. This particular characterization seems a trifle problematic but I can definitely understand why Peeta and Katniss are so upset. We see Peeta expressing some rebellious thoughts and being badass again. I have always liked the scene where Katniss wakes up happy and then feels guilty. It goes to show that while she is "pure" she is aware that her bond with Peeta goes beyond friendship.
> 
> Next chapter I'll be covering the actual Harvest Festival which will go considerably different due to my plot changes. You might not notice that Katniss is wearing a corset though she doesn't know the proper term. I know Elizabeth Banks wore one for her Effie portrayal so I suspect they are popular in the Capitol. Needless to say, Katniss hates it.
> 
> We see a hint of Gadge at the end. If I ever get around to writing my companion piece to this one you'll see those two interacting more. Sadly I'm so busy with school that won't probably be for awhile. But it made me lol to think of Gale just passively aggressively being bad at dancing and also playing the piano so he can impress Madge. (Also let's admit he probably wants to sit very close to her and have her hold his hand to get the right notes.) Katniss is both colossally tired of being a third wheel/chaperone/cover and envious because she is confused when it comes to romance.


	7. Chapter 7 The Harvest Festival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and her family go to the mayor's party and the Harvest Festival.

I stood there for a second before practically racing to the door, desperate to get out of the room as quickly as possible. Just as I neared Madge's room the Mayor came up the stairs. He greeted me kindly before disappearing into the study. I went along to Madge's room and tapped on the door. I didn't bother to try to compose myself. Madge was unusually perceptive and wouldn't question me as to what I was upset about. At least not where we could be heard.

Madge was seated at her dressing table brushing out her wavy blond hair before the mirror. She was dressed in the pretty white dress she had worn on reaping day. Once that would have been the nicest dress in the district but even that could hardly compare to the silvery creation Cinna had made for me. I would have gladly torn the thing off and given it to her and worn one of the faded dresses of my mothers.

"Look at you. Like you came right off the streets of the Capitol." Her smile lit her face as she stood up.

"Are you sure you don't want this back? It's all the rage in the Capitol." I felt a little guilty keeping her pin.

"Don't be silly. It was a gift." Madge replied twisting the gold ribbon into her curls.

"Where did you get it anyway?" I asked suddenly wanting to know the history of the object that had come to define me.

"It was my aunt's," she said. "But it's been in the Donner family a long time."

"It's a funny choice, a mockingjay," I said. "I mean, because of what happened in the rebellion and the jabberjays backfiring on the Capitol."

"But mockingjays were never a weapon," said Madge. "They're just a songbird. Right?"

"I guess so," I replied but not before I saw the flash of warning in Madge's eyes. She was telling me that it wasn't safe to voice such thoughts. Madge knew as well as I that the mockingjay was the creation the Capitol never intended to exist. They hadn't anticipated the will to live in the jabberjay. I marveled once again at her poise. She would have carried off the Star-Crossed Lovers routine flawlessly.

I went downstairs with her where we were photographed constantly. I saw Prim emerge a few minutes later dressed in a gold dress very similar to mine except it was less puffy She looked so lovely it took my breath away. My mother even looked young in a pale blue dress and a touch of makeup. Aunt Hazelle was dressed in an old Merchant dress of my mother probably having refused a nicer dress that we could have bought for her. Vic and Rory looked like the overgrown children they were in clothing that was already too small. Posy rounded out the group in her lovely pink dress and her hair in glossy ringlets.

The Capitol people made much of Posy and Prim and ignored Vic and Rory who probably would have frowned or said something rude anyway. They hated cameras and sitting still almost as much as Gale hated the fanfare. I hated it too. I couldn't wait to throw off the trappings of the horrible tour and bury my feet in the wet earth. It was too cold for that now but the minute I could I intended to get as muddy and messy as possible.

Peeta was standing off to the side with his mother who glanced at me coolly. Her bright blue eyes appraised me with an expression of derision. Well, she was no more taken in by my acting than President Snow. I turned away disgusted by the woman and the way she had of making anyone in her path feel as small as an ant. Poor Peeta. To grow up under that woman must have been awful.

"Who put you in that torturous contraption?" I whirled around and saw Gale shaking his head at the dress.

"Cinna. It's the style for this kind of party." I answered with faux brightness. There were enough people around I couldn't tell the truth. I could barely breathe in the damn thing.

"It looks ridiculous." He whispered. I nodded sharing a small smile. He looked just as miserable in what must have been his father's old suit.

"You look ravishing, dear," Peeta said coming alongside me. Unlike the proposal, this definitely felt forced. But I could see in his eyes that he genuinely liked it. I supposed it was flattering even if it was uncomfortable.

I smiled and gave him a quick kiss feeling a little uncomfortable in front of Gale. He was watching us with an unreadable expression. I knew he and Peeta had never been friends and didn't particularly like each other. Gale resented Peeta's creation of the Star-Crossed Lovers and thought he was just taking advantage of me. And Peeta probably resented his distrust right back. I know I would have but then again I always was a resentful person.

I saw them shake hands and exchange stiff pleasantries just as Madge returned. She started talking about the tour in her "Capitol Approved Voice" which I had soon discovered was very different than her usual one. I had trouble following as usual. It was hard to talk about anything but the food. Peeta, on the other hand, had no problem answering her questions. Gale and I exchanged glances. I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if it had been Madge in the Games instead of me. She probably wouldn't have survived the Bloodbath but if miracle of miracles she had survived she probably would have done a much better job of appeasing the President than I had.

"I wish I was in the woods," I whispered. Gale nodded but I wished most of all for my father back. To go into the woods with him and swim in the lake and hear his laugh and how he said my eyes shone like silver.

Effie dragged us off again and the night passed in a round of talking and pretending. Madge was always helpfully near to steer me away from a couple of lecherous old Capitol officials who had come out to one of the few parties District 12 ever had. Even old Cray was there in a dress uniform he probably hadn't worn in a decade. He stared me down with a look of intensity that made me shudder. I didn't need to go to the man to get a few coins but if he ever wanted to hurt me he could. He knew my illegal operation.

It was especially hard to keep up the act in front of my family. Perhaps it was because the act was so outside of my real character. The real Katniss, if she were in love, would not be giggling and grinning and twirling. She would not kiss and say sappy things in public. I had never been in love but I felt certain that if I was it would be something quiet and internal.

Towards the end of the night, they began taking pictures. I had dozens of photos with Prim which wasn't so bad. She was so pretty in her blue dress that I knew that I would have to request a copy of each. And it wasn't hard to smile genuinely when I knew that she was no longer starving. Posy was easy enough to dance with as she prattled nonstop and had clearly had far too much cake. Rory stepped on my toes but talked about food which was a discussion that I had no trouble with. In time I thought Rory would be very much like his father. Vic had always been a quiet boy, like Gale in that regard but without his explosiveness. He was a little like Prim. That was probably why he naturally gravitated towards her. I could tell he was terrified of the Capitol people and couldn't wait to get home. I went off with him to find my Aunt who was standing uncomfortably in the corner. I was surprised to find that she was not alone. Haymitch, looking drunk but not as drunk as in the Capitol, was watching me. I wondered what he thought of my performance.

I realized that it was likely that my father and aunt might very well have known Haymitch long ago when he had been nothing but a scrappy Seam boy. Perhaps they had been friends. My father had never made mocking remarks about Haymitch like a lot of people did.

"You look nice in that dress, Katniss. Though it's a little mature for a girl of your age." My aunt took Vic off my hands and smoothed her hand down my dress until a few wrinkles disappeared.

Of course, the Capitol had other plans. I heard Haymitch snort behind me and she turned and said, "Haymitch Abernathy, you may be used to dressing girls like they are women but I don't agree. But then you're a man."

She spoke quietly as she said, "Of course, you're far too young to marry but I guess we don't have much say in that. You'll make a lovely bride. Your father would be so proud to see you now."

I felt a tear burn my eyes as I thought of how my father would feel seeing me in this position. Somehow I knew he would be able to see through the whole Star-Crossed Lovers thing. He would have helped me and I wouldn't have felt so alone.

Then my aunt whispered, "I want to meet that young man again. He seems like a good boy but I want to know for myself."

I meekly told him we would visit sometime. Poor Peeta, better not get on my aunt's bad side. But I had a feeling she would be charmed by him. She had three boys already and somehow I felt that a boy whose mother was so cold and selfish would appeal to her. Once my aunt was won over it would be easy to get my mother's approval. My mother didn't like my aunt very much but she respected her.

Effie bustled up to me looking anguished and explained that it was absolutely necessary that I go now and try to find Gale. Apparently, they needed Katniss's cousin and best friend to be in the photos. I grimaced and promised her I would search for him. I knew he hadn't gone home no matter how much he wanted to. He wouldn't have left his family alone.

I went out to the garden where Madge and I had tea several times. Madge's garden was peaceful and secluded and it was the closest thing to the woods inside of the fence. I rounded the bend and saw the tiny lights strung along the path which was covered in little paper shades. Each one taking time and labor and materials to make. There was a little house with no walls a little distance off. Madge called it a gazebo and that it was an ancient term. It was completely useless since it didn't have any purpose in protecting you from the wind.

I stared for a second and saw two figures outlined against the dark night. As I stepped near I recognized them. Of course, it was Gale and Madge. If anyone came out here they would be sure to find out. Including Madge's parents who would be none too pleased that their daughter was dating a Seam coal miner. I shifted uneasily as I saw him kiss her, not like that time I had caught him kissing Leevy Brewster in the alley all rushed and desperate, but carefully and almost casually. Madge leaned her head against his shoulder and even though she wasn't particularly short she looked tiny beside him. In the shifting light, her blond head glowed a perfect contrast to Gale's dark hair. I felt my stomach tighten as it reminded me of another couple who looked exactly like that. My father and mother had often stood like that with their arms around each other as if they never wanted to be separated. It was as if they really were one person. And look how that had turned out. My father was dead and my mother had lost her mind. That was what love did to someone. For the first time, I wished Gale was back to running through his list of girls. At least he didn't have feelings for them.

I coughed slightly and they broke apart a little flushed. I knew Gale must have been distracted or he would have heard me. My shoes weren't exactly designed for silence. I came forward reminded of my duty.

"Effie's insisting you come and take some pictures with me. And for goodness sakes, anyone could come up and find out. You're not doing a very good job of keeping a secret." I could hear my voice ring out much harsher than I intended. But I couldn't help but think about how dangerous it all was. If Gale got too invested in Madge he wouldn't want to run away. And we needed to run.

"You're right, Katniss. I'm sorry." Madge sighed.

"It's not my secret to keep," I replied in a softer tone.

Gale shrugged and said, "Might as well get it over with." He looked annoyed at having been caught. Well, it served him right about being so indiscreet.

The night seemed to go on forever. There were more pictures and then I had to say goodbye to everyone before I was allowed to go home. I tore off my dress and had Prim undo the ties to that horrible contraption that confined my ribs. I felt my stomach and chest expand as it loosened. It was such a relief to feel the actual air in my lungs. I was exhausted but I didn't think I would sleep. I was sleeping along again and I had trouble with that.

Prim offered to sleep with me but I told her I would be fine. Prim needed her sleep and I didn't think her presence would help. For some reason sleeping near her never gave me the same comfort it did to sleep with Peeta. Maybe it was because I had to protect her. With Peeta, we looked out for each other.

I briefly considered trying to sneak over after Mother went to sleep. I had the ability to walk nearly soundlessly and I knew all the creaks in the stairs. But my mother was a light sleeper and if she found me missing from my bed I wasn't sure what she would do. And somehow, while our sleeping arrangement had been acceptable on the train, it didn't seem quite right back at home. It felt like a violation of our friendship.

I dreamed of Prim being torn to pieces by the mutts and burning alive with the fireballs. I dreamed of my mother dying a slow and painful death as a result of poisoned berries. I dreamed of arriving at the bank where I found Peeta only to see him open his eyes and say "It's too late," and then I heard the sound of the cannon. I dreamed of Rue dying over and over. Each time I awoke I felt more and more disoriented. Prim and my mother were safe, Rue was not and I wasn't sure about Peeta. I got up and stared out my window until I saw the faint light in his window. He was awake.

The next morning the Preps put that lovely beige cream under my eyes that made me feel less tired. I shocked myself by requesting a tube. I didn't care what I looked like but the stuff felt nice. Octavia smiled and said, "I knew it, Katniss. I knew you had a desire to look beautiful. Are you sure we can't get you some lipstick or mascara too?"

I declined it with a forced smile. The Preps were ridiculous but so fond of me that I couldn't hate them. I didn't know what they saw in me. I hadn't ever been much liked except by my family. I decided they liked me because I was a Victor and had greatly raised their social standing.

Cinna put me in a deep red dress with brown accents and a pretty hat that perched on my head. I saw Prim dressed in a deep violet dress that brought out the subtle grey-blue of her eyes. I walked outside with her until Peeta came up in a dark brown suit and red tie. We were matching again.

Effie organized all of us to stand here, smile appropriately and pose for numerous photos. There were photos of us kissing, dancing, smiling and laughing. I knew it was pointless to try to convince President Snow but if I did my best perhaps I might spare my family. It was a very lonesome hope but it kept me together.

Aunt Hazelle looked happier than she had the night before perhaps because the Harvest Festival was a real District 12 tradition. Vic, Posy, Rory, and Prim flew around eating and playing the "quaint" games that we could offer. I could see Gale occasionally but he kept to his friends. I wondered if he was still annoyed with me over it all. I could only imagine how angry he would be when he found out what the President said.

After the whole thing disbanded I changed into my nightgown and slippers and put a heavy coat on over it. I then sat and waited for the rest of the house to go to bed. Prim was exhausted and fell asleep the moment her head touched the pillow. My mother seemed to be restless until at last, she fell into a quiet slumber. Then I carefully slipped down the stairs.

I think Peeta was astonished to see me on the other side of his door. In the cold air his face was flushed. I knew he hadn't been sleeping but it was still a little odd to show up at his house in the middle of the night. But Victors were strange people I supposed.

"Peeta, I need to talk to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we get the party at the mayor's house and meet all the characters together. Including Mrs. Mellark who is being her usual happy self. I kept with the distance between Gale and Peeta. They aren't ready to be best friends yet. Mainly because Gale is a suspicious person. I also had fun expanding Madge's role in this. She won't appear a ton in this story but if I ever get around to updating my companion Gadge story we'll get lots more of that. We also get a touch of Haymitch and Hazelle. I'm not exactly certain I ship them but I think they could be good as friends and allies much later down the road. I think Katniss's realization that her being in love would be very different than the act she is playing for the Capitol is important. We get a cute little Gadge scene. Katniss as the narrator takes some of the romance out of it. This is one of my favorite scenes of theirs.And Katniss needs to talk with Peeta. What could it be?


	8. Chapter 8 Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Katniss and Peeta have an important discussion and wedding plans are started.

He didn't say anything except to wave me into the house and offer me a seat. I was cold even though I wore a thick robe and nightgown. But Peeta's house was warm and comforting and I gave a sigh of relief. It was a luxury, one that sometimes made me guilty, to enjoy the warmth and comfort we had paid for with blood. It felt like we hadn't had time to talk in days which of course we hadn't. The Capitol had been there all the time.

"Would you like some hot chocolate? I don't have any cheese buns since I didn't have time to make them after getting home," he asked me. Peeta seemed to really enjoy feeding people, especially me. Perhaps it was because food was so scarce in District 12. I felt the same way about my family. Seeing Prim fill out and grow rosy with health made me smile. I wondered if his joy in seeing me eat had something to do with seeing me half dead under the apple tree behind the bakery. I wasn't complaining about it though. I adored pretty much everything he made.

"Sure. Thanks." I followed him into the kitchen and stood there uncertainly as he bustled around getting milk and pouring it into a pan. There was something in the Capitol rooms that cooked foods in just a minute or two. It looked a little like an oven. But Peeta told me the food came out tasting weird. My stomach started twisting around as I stood there. What if he blamed me for my failures? President Snow hadn't been half as mad at him than at me. It was all because I had failed to convince him. I ought to have tried harder.

"Here you go." He placed a mug on the counter filled with the dark, creamy liquid. Despite my nerves, I took a sip. It tasted so sinfully good. His wasn't quite as rich as the Capitol type but it felt warmer and more comforting. Maybe because it didn't seem as tainted.

"What's wrong, Katniss?" his voice was soft and low despite the lateness of the hour and the potential to be annoyed at my bothering him.

"We failed. I failed. President Snow…he wasn't convinced." I pressed my hands more firmly against the tile.

"But I thought…you seemed so calm." I could see the confusion in his eyes.

"I know. But I guess I was relieved because I could finally be myself." I muttered.

"Well, I guess we just have to hope he doesn't take it out on us too badly." He replied with forced cheerfulness. I could tell he didn't believe it any more than I did.

I went over to him and knelt down ostensibly to kiss his cheek but whispered, "I have a plan but I have to run it by Gale first. I'm not sure it will work."

I could see him give a tiny nod before I reached out and straightened a lock of hair that stood straight up. I told myself the impulse was just for the cameras that were probably trained on us. Peeta's hair was curly and as a result looked messy almost instantly. I had heard his prep team bewailing how much gel they had to use to make it lay flat. I liked it better this way. It looked more natural.

I needed to tell him about District 8 but I had to wait until we were no longer within hearing of the Capitol. I wasn't sure how he would react. Would he be happy or sad about it? It didn't really matter. It wasn't as if we could do anything. The only chance we had was running away. Would Peeta go with me? He was different than I. His family was able to take care of itself and he wasn't as close to them except maybe his father. I couldn't leave him behind. Somehow that was part of our friendship. We didn't do that.

I finished my hot chocolate and washed up the two cups and laid them in the sink to drain. The exhaustion hit suddenly making it difficult to move. It had been such a difficult few days. At least I was home again. That was a comfort. But soon I would be planning a wedding. A wedding I didn't want to go through with. At the least, if I was to be married, I wanted a toasting and normality.

"I better go. If my mom found out I was here I wouldn't hear the end of it." I stifled a yawn as I started towards the kitchen door.

"Thanks for telling me, Katniss. I'm sorry too. About all of this." I could see the sadness in his eyes and I was reminded of what Haymitch had said. About how he wanted this to be real. But I couldn't do it.

"There is nothing to be sorry about. I'm the failure." I whispered.

"There was nothing you could have done Katniss. Those people wouldn't have cared." I wasn't sure if he was talking about the rebelling districts or the Capitol or President Snow. But it made me feel a little better.

"I'm sorry about the wedding. I know you didn't want that." His voice was even sadder and even though it had been my idea he knew I hadn't chosen it. I had just been trying to keep us all alive.

I didn't know what to say. I just shrugged my shoulders trying to think of something. "Katniss, you know I would never… I mean it wouldn't be real…" he stammered on turning slightly red. I flushed myself and turned away. Typical Peeta. He wouldn't hurt me to save his life. What he was implying was that my marrying him wouldn't be any different than what we had now. Except that we would be living together. But I knew that President Snow wouldn't be satisfied with that. He would start pushing us for children and I knew how babies were made. It wasn't that I was so opposed to the idea of sex someday but I wasn't ready for it. And even if there was no threat of pregnancy I would still hate the idea of the Capitol telling me how, when and with who I should sleep with.

I wondered how he felt about it. I knew he loved me and if you loved someone you were supposed to desire them. At least that's what I was told. I also knew something else though. He would rather do anything than force me to be with him. And the worst of it would be neither of us would have a choice. We could probably buy ourselves a couple of years but the Capitol was too invested in us to let us alone. That's what Haymitch had said. I wasn't sure what was worse. To be forced to be with someone or to force the person you loved to be with you against their will. Regardless it was a miserable situation. And that was if President Snow didn't do something drastic.

" I know. I trust you." I said at last. I did trust him. But he didn't have enough power in this situation. We were both pieces in President Snow's games. "Maybe we could get a little sleep without my mom or Effie complaining." I tried to smile but it ended up looking more like a grimace.

"That'd be nice. We don't even need to call it marriage at least to ourselves. We're friends who happen to live together." I nodded but found myself wondering. Did that imply that we were free to have other lovers? I didn't want that. It was far too risky even if there was someone willing to put up with my strange moods. But Peeta? I was sure there were many girls in District 12 who would like to keep a handsome, rich Victor company. Even those horrible Capitol women fawned over him. My stomach knotted at the idea of him having other lovers but I didn't know why. It was only fair since I couldn't be with him myself.

"We'll have to have a toasting at least though. You know our families wouldn't think a Capitol wedding was legal enough. At least not my family." I could hear my Aunt talking about how a Capitol wedding wasn't all right and how they considered marriages temporary. I didn't want to hear her complaining about how I wasn't being a good influence on Prim. And maybe a part of me wanted to remind any District 12 girls hanging around that he was married. Even if it was fair it didn't mean I wanted to encourage them.

I went home and fell into bed without taking off my robe. Sleep came instantly but I was awake in an hour or two with a horrible nightmare. I dreamed that Prim's tongue was cut out and she was crying but couldn't even say my name. I had to get up and check in her room before I could calm down.

On Saturday my mother and I went on our weekly visit to my Aunt. This time we brought Peeta along. Prim was sick with a mild cold and stayed home wrapped in blankets by the fire. I was worried about her but my mother assured me that she would be fine in a couple of days. Peeta had made a loaf of hearty wheat bread and a plate of cookies. Rory, Vic, and Posy greeted him with excitement though it probably had more to do with the food than with anything else. But it wasn't long before he had charmed Posy by declaring that her corn husk doll was the most beautiful he had ever seen. Vic and Rory had to show off the train and hovercraft set they had received though Rory acted as if he was a bit above that sort of childish thing being nearly 13. My aunt silently watched them. There was a lot of similarities between Aunt Hazelle and I. We were both suspicious people. But once we trusted people we were willing to do anything for them. Until recently the only people I felt that way about was my family. But my family had suddenly expanded.

At last Peeta sat down beside me at the kitchen table. My aunt had another pair of socks suspended on the needles and her fingers seemed to blur together as she worked. My mother was mending a shirt with careful stitches her pale face thoughtful.

"Well, I'd prefer if you two waited a bit before getting married. There isn't a reason you need to rush things is there?" My aunt raised her eyebrows at me and in spite of myself I flushed. I hadn't done a thing but I still felt unreasonably embarrassed. I opened my mouth to say something but Peeta, as usual, beat me to it.

"I agree. We are young. But Haymitch seemed to think it was a good idea. Apparently, the Capitol is angry with us and he hoped that if we had a wedding they would get distracted."

"Hmm… that doesn't surprise me a bit. Those Capitol people are so shallow. But what did you do to make them so angry?" Her eyes flickered over to me. I saw fear light them up.

"I was too rebellious. The thing with…the flowers. The berries. They didn't like that." I admitted.

My mother spoke softly, "I know how scared you are but I'm so proud of you Katniss. And you too, Peeta. You look so grown up. I know Ash would be so proud of you too."

I fought back tears. I knew of course that my father wouldn't be proud of everything I was doing. Of my treatment of Peeta. Accepting his friendship and affection and giving anything in return. And the whole thing with the Capitol. How I had failed and plunged my whole family into danger. The people I had killed to get home. But maybe he would be proud of some things. The way I had memorialized Rue, the berries and the speech at District 11.

"Well, then I suppose we have to plan a toasting. I don't think those Capitol marriages are legal. Those people wouldn't know a proper marriage to save their lives." My aunt resumed her knitting but not before sharing a significant glance with my mother. They had suddenly become allies though I doubted they would ever like each other much.

My stomach knotted with anxiety. A toasting would make everything real. But maybe I could handle a toasting for the type of relationship Peeta and I had. A strong friendship was better than being strangers. And I wasn't afraid of a piece of paper or a slice of bread. I was scared of children and love. I had already rejected those so what was the harm? But that wasn't fair to Peeta. To be married to a girl who could never love him. Still, I had to have a toasting. Besides if I was to get married I might as well have a ceremony like this. I didn't trust the Capitol ceremony any more than Aunt Hazelle.

"Ok, but we can't tell anyone. The Capitol wouldn't like it." I replied reluctantly.

"And Effie would say it wasn't legal. Effie is very worried about Katniss's reputation." Peeta said as we shared a slight smile over Effie's extreme concern for my virtue.

"Well, at least someone is. I don't think Haymitch stays sober enough to notice." My aunt said drily.

There was a knock at the door and my aunt opened it to reveal Madge standing there with a basket on her arm. Her red woolen cap and flaxen curls made her look like one of those princesses in one of my grandfather's tales. No wonder Gale was charmed with her. I always looked more like the villainous old woman with my heavy dark looks and grey eyes. My aunt drew her inside and took the basket saying, "You look frozen. Here have a cup of tea and stay for awhile and warm up."

I saw the basket contained laundry and I realized that Madge was trying to help just as she had with her overbuying strawberries. She smiled at me and gave me a hug before sitting down on my other side and sipping her tea. She seemed right at home with my family much to my surprise. I always seemed to think of Madge as the girl who brought strawberries, lived in a big house and who wore a gold pin.

We spent a few moments discussing school and the Victory Tour but I wasn't very good with small talk. My aunt and mother started talking about the toasting and Madge sent me a glance. She knew the truth, of course, and she seemed to sympathize. I was getting more and more frantic. Everything was moving too fast. I wasn't ready for this. Peeta's face had set into a mask though the quiet friendly air hadn't left.

" I don't think that Katniss is the only one thinking of getting married." My aunt spoke significantly and it was Madge's turn to blush. Her composure disappeared in a second.

"Not now. I need to finish school." Madge replied. And get through two more Reapings. I added mentally.

"That's good. Of course, my son's impatient. I swear I haven't seen that boy be so serious about anything." She looked at Madge who nodded her head soberly. My mother frowned slightly. I wondered if she was thinking about her own life. Her abandonment of her family to marry my father. How easy it would have been to marry Mr. Mellark and be the baker's wife. How Madge would have to suffer if she intended to give up all to marry Gale.

The children had come into the room and when they saw Madge they thronged her. Posy climbed on her lap and started touching her hair and began trying to fasten it into two braids. Vic started talking about school and the project he had to complete. Madge listened to them patiently and even withstood Posy's clumsy tugging on her hair. I sighed. It was clear that the whole Hawthorne family was in love with her. I didn't mind except that it was too dangerous. Madge was still eligible for the Reaping.

Madge didn't say anything about the wedding as we walked home. She talked quietly with my mother and Peeta about mundane topics like the weather. But I knew she felt for us. I had a plan. But unfortunately, I didn't know where Madge fit into that plan. I couldn't imagine her running away with us. Was she even willing to do that? And if she was could she survive out in the wilds? Would Gale even agree to run away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this conversation might seem a little anticlimactic but I realized that we never saw Katniss tell Peeta that they had failed to convince Snow. That seemed like a plot hole so I decided to fix it. Then they have an awkward conversation about the kind of marriage they'll have. And Katniss, as usual, completely misreads the situation. He didn't mention other partners but Katniss thinks of it because she's secretly extremely jealous of other girls. Katniss has a tendency to be jealous in canon so I kept that trait here. Why won't you just admit how much you love that boy?
> 
> It seems Peeta has finally gotten Hazelle's stamp of approval. I have plans for her to be a really important part of his recovery later on. He needs a mother figure in his life. Madge is a real support for Katniss and we see how crazy the Hawthornes are about her. Katniss keeps trying to keep things the way they were before. Which means her plans to run away are a bit selfish. Since my plot is significantly different than canon I still needed to incorporate some of the same tension between who goes and who stays.


	9. Chapter 9 A Meeting in the Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Katniss and Gale have an important meeting and the Capitol strikes again.

My stomach was twisting with nerves as I set off on Sunday to the woods. I had a feeling that my errand would not go over well. I carried with me a leather bag full of food and a flask of for tea. I also had a pair of gloves Cinna had made and left behind. I left three twigs on the ground pointing in the direction I had gone and broke off little branches to guide the way. That was how my father had taught me. I headed to the lake even though it was a long and arduous walk. Gale and I rarely went there because it was difficult to get to. I didn't trust our regular spot. President Snow must have bugged the woods. I doubt he had bugged this far out though.

As I walked towards the lake I heard the mockingjays twittering and mimicking the forest sounds. I thought of Rue and the wonderful dream I had on the train. I wished I had slept longer and been able to see where she wanted me to go. I hoped Gale wasn't too put out by the amount of energy expended to get to the lake. I used to want to go there all the time because it reminded me of my father. But it was more practical to hunt nearer to home.

It took me several hours to get to the lake. The little cottage was still standing. My father said he thought that it stood from before the Catastrophes which meant it was probably several hundred years old. There were foundations of other buildings but they had long ago been lost to time. It was probably a vacation spot a long time ago. I wondered at those people who lived in the nations before Panem. Had they been happier? What had happened? The building was made of concrete and only one of the four windows stood. I started a fire and sat down to wait for Gale.

He appeared quicker than I expected indicating he must have been following me at least part of the way. Either that or his longer legs allowed him to more quickly. He stood at the entrance with a wild turkey on his belt and his bow over his shoulder. He held the bag of food and Cinna's gloves in his hands. I glanced at his eyes. They were troubled and shaded with worry and anger.

"President Snow personally threatened to have you killed," I said by way of greeting. It was just like both of us not to beat around the bush.

He raised his eyebrows but didn't appear surprised or even afraid. "Anyone else?"

"He didn't give me a list but he implied that the whole family was in danger," I said.

He leaned down to the fire and stood watching it for a few moments as he warmed himself. "Unless what?" he asked.

"Unless nothing, now," I replied knowing I had to explain but not sure how.

"Well, thanks for the heads up. I'm not sure why President Snow has it out for me but I guess it makes sense. Better me than the kids."

"He heard us talking. In the woods. About blowing up the Capitol. He has the recording and could have us both for treason. He thinks we're plotting to overthrow the government." The words came rushing out as I sat there.

" They recorded us?" Gale's voice rose in alarm. I started.

"Yeah, they did," I replied.

"Shit… I brought Madge out there. Now she's in danger." Gale looked like pulling his hair out as I sat there. I bit my lip and sighed.

"They probably won't care about that," I replied faintly.

"But we talked about the Games and the Capitol and the Revolution," Gale said frantically. "She said that if the Capitol got angry at her father they would rig the Reaping."

I thought of Madge being sent to the Games and felt sick. I wished I had been able to warn Gale but there had been no time. The only good thing about this knowledge was that he might be more likely to agree to my plan.

"I do have a plan, you know," I spoke quickly.

"Yeah, I bet it's a stunner." He replied shortly. He was probably still mad at my not telling him about the threat.

"Gale, I don't know what to do. No matter how hard I try it isn't enough. President Snow came to me right before the Victory Tour started and told me that I hadn't done enough. He said that I needed to convince him and the rebelling districts that I had been so crazy in love I hadn't known what I was doing. I tried. But it didn't matter. No matter what we did the people kept getting madder and madder. Then I told Peeta he needed to propose. Maybe that would convince the President. But it wasn't enough. President Snow told me that. All I know is that he is going to do something."

Gale let me talk as he prepared the lunch I had brought. There was some fine bread that he toasted and put cheese on in the way that my father had shown me. The cheese melted onto the bread and turned brown itself. There wasn't a finer meal not even in the Capitol. I occupied myself with coring an apple and then roasted the chestnuts. I watched his hands as he worked and thought about how he had inherited the same hands as my father and aunt had. My father had made little figures out of wood for toys for me and Prim. Aunt Hazelle could take two knitting needles and a strand of yarn and turn it into the warmest and most delicate sweater. They were long-fingered and strong but able to set the most delicate snares. I glanced down at my own hands and frowned slightly. My hands were like my mothers. Capable, strong but tiny with short fingers. Prim also inherited the same touch as my father. My mother said my father had surgeons fingers and that she had loved to watch my father at work because he had such beautiful hands. My hands were smooth from all the Capitol treatments but Gale's were just like all of ours before the Games. Scarred and calloused with hard work. Hands that I trusted at work. Peeta's hands were different than all of ours. They were soft from working with dough which kept them from drying out even in the winter. But they were strong and warm and large. Capable too and strangely delicate for their size. Hands that could create beauty but also if their owner wished hands that could strangle the life from someone.

"Well, you certainly made a mess of things." He commented looking up. "So what's this plan of yours?"

I took a deep breath, "We run away."

"What?" It caught him off guard for a moment.

"We take to the woods and run away. You said yourself that you thought we could do it. That morning of the Reaping." I thought of that day and how often I wished I had. Avoided all the pain. We would all have been safer.

"And have the President send in all the Peacekeepers in to comb the woods. To see Prim and Posy get turned into Avoxes. Are you crazy?" his voice rose in anger.

"It's more dangerous to remain. We can run. We know these woods better than the Peacekeepers." I replied.

"I'm not doing this. I'm not taking my family into danger like that. Besides Madge is in danger now. I'm not leaving her behind to face this alone."

I frowned and not for the first time wished that Gale and Madge hadn't gotten together. If they hadn't I probably would have been able to convince him to come with me. Love was like that. It made you do stupid things. It wasn't that I blamed Madge it was just inconvenient.

"Well, then I guess I'll have to take Peeta and Haymitch with Prim and my mother and make a break," I said trying to cover my hurt. It felt like we were no longer working together to protect the family. We were at cross purposes.

"You're going to bring that old drunk? He won't be able to find liquor in the woods." Gale scoffed.

I felt oddly protective of my mentor. Haymitch was all that but he had also kept me alive. "They'd torture him to get him to tell us where I was," I said.

"And what about Peeta's family? Can you imagine his mother in the woods? She'd rather die. And she's very pro-Capitol. She probably will tell on us. And do you really think he's willing to leave his whole family behind? What will you do then?"

I thought about that and felt my heart ache. I couldn't leave Peeta behind. But to save Prim and my mother? Maybe? "Then he stays," I said with a wobbly voice.

"You'd leave him behind?" Gale asked his eyes fixed on mine. I squirmed feeling the knot of anxiety rise into my throat.

"To save my family, yes." I answered and then the reality struck me. I saw him being tortured or killed and finished rapidly, "I mean, no! I'll get him to come."

"That's what I thought," Gale said dryly shaking his head slightly. I wasn't sure what he was thinking.

"I think this is one of the stupidest things you have ever come up with. Maybe the president is just manipulating you. He's throwing you a big Capitol wedding and how would it look if something were to happen to you or Peeta." Gale's voice was laced with frustration but he had a point. But he hadn't seen the President's face.

"Well, with an uprising in District Eight, I doubt he's spending much time choosing my wedding cake!" I shouted.

The instant the words flew out of my mouth I wanted to call them back. I saw their effect on Gale. His eyes flashed with excitement and his face flushed. I tried to backpedal but he managed to get the whole story out of me without much effort. He said something about Madge hoping this would happen but I was too terrified to pay much attention.

"It's my fault, Gale. Because of the things I did in the Arena. I should have just eaten those berries. Then Peeta would be home and lived and everyone would have been safe. Prim would be safe." I felt the depression steal over me as I decried by selfishness in surviving.

"Safer to do what?" he said more gently as he came over and patted my shoulder. "To starve or work like slaves? Get reaped? You didn't hurt people. You've given them an opportunity. They just have to be brave enough to take it. There's talk in the mines. People want to fight. It's happening! It's finally happening! Why can't we have an uprising too? This could be the thing we're waiting for. What my dad and your dad and Madge and all of us have been working for…"

"Stop. You don't know what you're saying. The Peacekeepers in other districts aren't like ours. They don't care about anyone. They'd shoot you on sight." I shouted feeling terror rise in me. Gale was so passionate he could recklessly make things worse. And he called me stupid for wanting to run away.

"That's why we have to join the fight!" he answered harshly.

"No! We have to leave before they kill us and everyone we love." I shouted back.

"You leave, then. See how that goes. I'd never go in a million years."

"What about the family? Now you see how the stakes are." I questioned feeling the fear rise.

"What about the other families, Katniss? The ones who can't run away? Don't you see? It can't be just about saving us anymore. Not if the rebellion's begun!" He shook his head in disgust. "You could do so much. Now the Capitol is going to turn you into a nice little housewife with the perfect family. Parade you and your kids out every year. You'll never have a life they don't control."

I tried to say something but he just shook his head and threw the gloves in my lap. "I've changed my mind. I don't want anything made in the Capitol."

He left then leaving me feeling worse than ever. I felt the insult in the words. He clearly thought I was just another tool of the Capitol. I remembered Peeta's words about not wanting to be a piece in their games. It reminded me of how I had become one. But my main concern was fear over what crazy thing he could do. He could put us in so much danger with his high handedness.

"Damn you, Gale," I muttered rising to put out the fire.

I began planning as I cleaned up the cabin. I would go to my aunt as soon as possible before he could get to her. She was the only person I knew who could knock some sense into him. I could sneak over their late at night so he couldn't lock me out. I then thought of Madge but then felt a stab of guilt because I had wanted to leave her behind. It was all too hard to take. I wondered if my Aunt would agree. Would she think it was more dangerous to drag three small children into the woods in the dead of winter?

It was nearly noon and winter nights always came early. I picked up the gloves and sighed. I had expected Gale to react that way about Capitol clothing but it seemed silly. I wasn't going to wear them and Peeta's hands were too broad for them. I saw the look on his face as he threw them at me. As if he was disgusted by my acting…

I knew the conversation with Gale was a setback but I was determined to go on with my plan. I decided that now was the time to tell Peeta. In some ways, I thought he would be easier to convince. He knew what the Capitol was capable of in a way that Gale would never know. He had been through the Games. I ran into him just as he was leaving Victor's Village.

"Been hunting?" he questioned with some anxiety in his tone. Clearly, he thought it was a bad idea.

"Not really. Going to town?" I questioned falling into step with him.

"Yes, I'm having dinner with my family." He replied. I sighed. I didn't envy him spending an evening with his mother. The road from Victor's Village to the square was rarely used. I tried to tell him but the words were hard to get out. Gale's straight out refusal and mocking had cut me deeply. I saw the square come ever nearer and I took a deep breath and blurted out my plan.

"Why do you want me to go?" he said. His face was serious as he laid a hand on my arm.

"Because I can't leave you behind. They would kill you or torture you." I replied thinking back to how I had thought about leaving him behind. Confusion filled me. Always I had put my mother and Prim first.

"Is your family willing to go?" he asked shrewdly.

"Gale thinks it's a terrible idea and refuses to go. He wants to stick it out and start some sort of revolution. It's a terrible idea and I have to stop him." I replied frantically.

"I wonder how successful that will be," Peeta muttered. I glanced at him questioningly. "Katniss, he's just like you. You're both stubborn as you get. And if you think something is right you will go through fire and floods to do it."

The idea that I might have to go without him and his family struck me suddenly and I felt sick. Who to leave behind? I shuddered and turned to Peeta. "Well, are you going?" I asked, my voice sharp with worry.

"I'll go, Katniss." He replied simply. A stab of guilt filled me. He would go with me anywhere. I knew he wouldn't have run himself. He clearly thought as little of the plan as Gale. And yet he was willing to go.

"You'll go?" I asked feeling a surge of hope.

"Yeah. But I don't believe for one instant you'll go." He replied.

I jerked my arm away and said angrily, "Then you don't know me at all. Be ready. It could be at any time." I took off walking quickly through my short legs impeded my progress.

"Katniss," Peeta called after me and I sighed. He was making me look like a child. I didn't care if he thought the plan was just as stupid as Gale did. It was the only option I had. He caught up with me and said gently, " I know you would never leave one part of your family behind. It's not you. But I really will go if you want me to. I think we should talk to Haymitch though. To make sure it won't make things worse for everyone."

Suddenly he raised his head and stiffened. His eyes narrowed as he said, "What's that?"

I strained my ears and from the square, I could hear the sound of something making an impact and the murmurings of a crowd.

"Come on," Peeta said as his face grew hard. I didn't know what was going on but clearly, to Peeta, it sounded horrible.

When we reached the square I could tell something was happening but the crowd was too thick to see through. Peeta stood on a crate and scanned the crowd as his face grew even more serious. I tried to climb up with him but he stopped me suddenly. "Get down. Get out of here!" his voice was harsh with insistence and I shivered. Something terrible was happening.

"What?" I questioned as I fought to get up beside him.

"Go home, Katniss! I'll be there in a minute I swear. Just don't look."

I ignored him and moved towards the crowd. People start to move as I approach with faces lit with panic. People murmured things like Get out of here, girl. Only make it worse. What do you want to do? Get him killed? But I knew as strongly as if there was a sign up that this terrible thing was meant for me. When I, at last, reach the spot I knew I was right. Peeta was right and those people were right.

Gale's wrists were tied to a wooden post. The wild turkey he shot earlier hung above him. The jacket and shirt he wore were torn away. He was unconscious and hanging against the pole by his wrists. His back was a bloody mass of lacerations.

The man standing behind him was not Cray. He was a tall muscular man with a uniform so new there were creases in them. I stood watching him in shock until he raised his hand with the whip held in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we come to the meeting in the woods. In canon, this was the moment in which Katniss and Gale really took divergent paths. The whipping brought them together but it couldn't undo the fact that they had been through totally different experiences and were handling them in totally different ways. And in this story, the same is true despite the different relationships. Katniss has changed and her family doesn't quite know how to deal with it. Also, it represents the amount of power Gale has over her. Katniss is still vulnerable to being controlled due to her lack of social interaction and friends. In this case, Katniss is vulnerable to family pressure simply because family is so important in District 12. Gale has a tendency, one that will increase, to make decisions for "her own good". I think that's pretty common for families especially ones that are close-knit and in cultures where males have more control.
> 
> I always found the whole description Katniss had of Gale's hands to be sadly romantic (even though I don't ship them together) but it also was important because it foreshadowed the bombing. In this story I liked using the concept of hands and what they are capable of to not only foreshadow the bombs but also the hijacking. Because Gale's hands created bombs and Peeta's hands strangled Katniss the theme of the work of one's hands is important. Plus I have already established that Hazelle is an awesome knitter. I also loved the idea of Katniss's dad making little figurines for Katniss and Prim.
> 
> Obviously, the primary conflict right now is who Katniss should protect. I think we can all agree her plan is seriously flawed and both Gale and Peeta know it. Katniss is just blinded by panic and can't recognize that the plan is extremely dangerous. But Gale won't go along with it both because he sees the danger, won't leave Madge behind and because he hopes to stir up some sort of revolution in 12. Which is almost as dangerous as Katniss's plan. I think he also knows that Katniss would never leave Peeta behind (or even Haymitch). Katniss just likes thinking of herself as completely emotionally detached. Peeta, of course, would follow Katniss into anything. He also knows she won't leave anyone in her family behind. That's just who she is.


	10. Chapter 10 The Whipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gale gets punished and Katniss makes a decision.

"No," I cried out as I sprang forward. I couldn't stop the whip from coming down hard but I flung myself in front of it with my own much smaller body. To protect the mutilated flesh of my cousin. It fell along my cheek causing a blinding flash of pain and lights dance in front of my eyes. Instinctively my hand came to touch my cheek that swelled and burned at my touch. The stones beneath me were wet with his blood and the air was heavy with the scent of it. Despite all the blood I had seen there was something different about this. "Stop it! You'll kill him." I shrieked.

I saw the man with the whip standing in front of me. His face was cruel and set under short grey hair and a shiny new cap. He raised his hand again and I reached for an arrow that was not there. I was in the Games again and this man was just as deadly as Cato or Marvel. But I had no arrow and I was forced to wait in agony for the lash to settle against me.

"Hold it!" Haymitch appeared and nearly tripped over the prone figure of a Peacekeeper. It was Darius who was knocked out but still appeared to be breathing. A Peacekeeper lying in the snow was an unfamiliar sight. Had he tried to protect Gale?

Haymitch came forward and pulled me roughly to my feet. "Oh great." He shook his head and lifted my head adding "She's got a photo shoot next week modeling wedding dresses. What am I supposed to tell the stylists?"

The man with the whip straightened but something flickered in his eyes. I was not dressed like a Victor and even my trademark braid was tucked up into my cap. I looked like any number of Seam girls. But Haymitch had appeared on TV so much everyone in the country knew him. But he said stonily, "She interrupted the punishment of a confessed criminal." His voice and manners were so foreign to me that I wondered where he had come from.

"I don't care if she just blew up the Justice Building! Look at that cheek! Think that will be camera ready in a week?" Haymitch shouted.

"That's not my problem. I'm just following orders. There has been gross negligence in this District."

"No, but it's about to be. The first call I'll make is to the Capitol. My Victors need to be constantly ready to go the Capitol for events. They never authorized you to mess up her face. It's a disgrace."

"He was poaching. And what business is it of hers anyway? You tell the Capitol that Victors shouldn't be poking their noses in other people's business." The man scoffed as he gained his equilibrium and moved to the other side.

"He's her cousin." Peeta came between the man and I and took my arm. "And she's my fiancée. So if you want to get to him, expect to go through both of us."

We were the only three people in the District who could make such a stand. But I knew we would all pay for it. I didn't care at the moment. I just needed to keep Gale alive. When the man glanced at the other Peacekeepers I noticed with relief that they were familiar. They were the old Hob crew I had sold game to for years. And by their glances, they were not happy about this development.

Finally, a middle-aged woman named Purnia who was a frequent customer of Greasy Sae stepped forward and said stiffly, "I believe for the first offense the required number of lashes has been dispensed, sir. Unless your sentence is death, which would be by firing squad."

"Is that the standard protocol here?" asked the Head Peacekeeper. I thought how odd it was that he cared about standard protocol.

"Yes, sir," Purina said and several others nodded their head. It was ironic because standard protocol in District 12 was for all the Peacekeepers to bid for the wild turkey and then have a party.

"Very well. Get your cousin out of here, girl. And if he comes to, remind him that the next time he poaches off of the Capitol's land, I'll assemble the firing squad personally." The Head Peacekeeper wiped his hand along the whip and blood spattered on all of us. There was some of mine but it was mainly Gale's. I remembered having Rue's blood on me and Peeta's in the Games. How much more would follow? The man coiled the rope carefully and then walked off. The others followed nervously behind except for a couple who pick up Darius. I mouthed a quick "thank you" to Purina who gave an imperceptible nod.

Then I turned to the more important task. I knelt down beside Gale and reached for the rope tying him to the pole. Someone handed us a knife and Peeta cut the ropes. Gale collapsed to the ground still unconscious. I could hear Haymitch talking about bringing him to my mother. All I could think of was how this was my fault. President Snow had warned me.

They lifted him on a board that a woman had allowed us to use as the square rapidly emptied. We had become dangerous and it was as if we all had a contagious illness. I didn't blame them. We were dangerous. But the people who remained cared enough to risk their lives. Haymitch and Peeta and a few of the miners helped get him on the board and began the walk to my home.

Leevy, a girl who only lived a couple of houses down from my old home took my arm. Her face was pale and sad. I think she used to have a crush on Gale and even though we weren't friends I felt a sense of comfort. These were the people I had grown up with. My mother had saved her brother when he got measles last year. "Need help getting back?" she offered.

"No, but please get my aunt? Send her over?" I begged. My poor aunt.

"Yeah," said Leevy turning and beginning to move rapidly down the street.

"Leevy," I called. "Don't let her bring the kids." I could only imagine how horrified they would be to see their strong older brother bleeding out like this.

"No, I'll stay there myself." She replied.

I only had time to give her a quick thanks before I set off after the rest. Haymitch ordered me to put some snow on my cheek which I had all but forgotten. My eyes were tearing so it was hard to walk especially in the twilight.

I could hear Bristol and Thom, crewmates of Gale's and obvious friends, talking about what happened. Gale must have gone to Cray's who had a fondness for wild turkey. But instead of Cray, he had found this man who was known as Romulus Thread. No one knew what had happened to Cray who had been in the Hob just that morning. Thread arrested Gale and since Gale had the turkey on him there had been no real defense. The commotion had brought people to the square and he had been sentenced to a whipping. By the time I stepped in he had received forty lashes. He had passed out after thirty. Birstel remarked that if he had his usual haul it might have been worse. My stomach turned over. How much worse could it get?

"He told him that he just found the turkey in the Seam and stabbed it with a stick. But if they had found him in the woods with weapons they would have killed him." Thom added.

"What about Darius?" Peeta asked.

"He stepped in after 20 lashes but he didn't do like Purina. All legal and official. He just grabbed Thread's arm and Thread smashed his gun down on his head. Nothing good for him." Said Bristel.

"There isn't anything good for any of us," Haymitch muttered darkly. I shivered but not from the cold air. I stumbled after them as I was reminded once again of the day my father died. My mother looked anxious as Haymitch briefly explained what happened.

My mother seemed to transform before my eyes. The woman who was terrified of a mouse moved confidently about the kitchen clearing our table and placing a clean white cloth on it. She and Prim set a kettle to boil and they began taking down the bottles and containers. Prim's face was pale and there were tears sliding down her face but she didn't hesitate to help. My mother mixed a greenish brown mixture adding a drop of this and a pinch of that. She soaked a clean cloth in the mixture and then came forward.

She glanced up and briefly noticed my face and ordered someone to get me some snow. I watched her shake the cloth out and begin to place it on Gale's back. "Can you save him?" I asked.

"Don't worry," said Haymitch. "There used to be a lot of whippings before Cray. We always took them to her."

I couldn't remember that far back but it must have been when my mother wasn't much older than me and still living with her parents. Even then she must have been skilled. Her hands moved gently as she mopped up the blood. I felt sicker by the moment and felt that I might do something stupid like pass out or throw up. Peeta took me to the other side of the kitchen and put more snow on my cheek.

Haymitch dismissed Bristel and Thom but not before paying them for their time. They accepted the money but I could see that it was more than a job for them. My aunt arrived in breathless haste in a woolen coat and with snow on her hair. She sat on a stool next to Gale and held his hand to her lips with tears in her eyes. It was a rare show of affection between them. My mother ignored us all only barking orders to Prim who seemed to understand right away. It took her a long time to bandage the wounds and as the blood was cleared away I could see more and more of the damage. I felt the sting of my own lash and imagined that multiplied by 40. Gale started to come to as she finished. He moaned incoherently and my aunt stroked his hair and whispered, "I'm here my boy. I'm here. Everything will be all right."

My mother and Prim went through their store of painkillers that they only saved for the worst pain. The worst pain? What a strange thought. The worst pain was always the pain that was present. I had never had any ability to see people suffer and it was why I was not in charge of them. My mother had the calm rationality to save them for the dying who could be eased peacefully out.

They gave him a herbal concoction that I knew would barely take out a headache much less wounds of this magnitude. "That won't be enough," I said. "That won't be enough. I know how it feels. That would barely knock out a headache."

"We'll mix it with sleep syrup, Katniss, and he'll manage it. These herbs are for inflammation…" my mother began in her calmer tone.

"Just give him the medicine!" I screamed. "Give him the medicine. Who are you to decide how much pain he's in."

I thought of the Capitol and how they didn't care if we lived or died. How they let Rue die like that. How Cato scream his way into death until my arrow brought relief. Peeta spending days in the mud and then losing his leg. No, I couldn't bear to see another person in agony. Gale started stirring at my raised voice and his movements started to cause his wounds to bleed again. "Take her out." My mother ordered.

It took Haymitch and Peeta carrying me out of the room and pinning me down for me to calm down enough for Haymitch to leave. Peeta came beside me and whispered, "He'll survive it. Maybe he won't forget it but he will survive it."

I could hear the bitterness in his tone as he reached for me and held me softly on the bed. I wondered how much pain he had been in before I found him by the stream. It was all the Capitol's fault. And mine. Peeta wouldn't have been injured if he hadn't been trying to save me from Cato and Gale wouldn't have been whipped if I hadn't made the President mad. I accepted the comfort of being held. Somehow what Peeta said was different than my mother. He knew what if felt like to be mortally injured and not have a single way to treat it.

My mother came in to treat my own face as Haymitch told her what happened to Gale. We had all hated old Cray for taking young girls and paying them for sex. I might have been one of those girls desperate enough to stand on his doorstep if not for my age when my father died. The vague references to something being worse made me irrational. At the sound of the doorbell, I shot out of bed certain that Peacekeepers were coming to drag Gale back and kill him. My mother went to the door and opened it. It wasn't the uniform of a Peacekeeper but a small figure wrapped in a wool coat and hat that stood there. Madge.

She held a small box in her hands that she thrust at me before rushing to the other side of the room. Her face was flushed with cold and her hair was wild but underneath the panic, there was a steady purpose. My aunt stood up and Madge came up beside her and laid her hand on Gale's face. Gale was gritting his teeth in agony and sweating profusely. Madge smoothed his brow and murmured reassurances as Prim took the box from my hands. Inside there were neat vials of morphling. My mother tried to grab his hand to inject the morpling but he was thrashing about so violently that she couldn't insert the needle.

"Gale, I brought you medicine. You need to stay still so she can give it to you." Madge spoke firmly as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips. For a second his eyes connected to hers and the cloudy look disappeared. It was just long enough for my mother to inject the medicine into his arm. The change was instantaneous. He relaxed against the table.

"Well, well. I didn't know Undersee's daughter was so friendly with your cousin." Haymitch commented with an odd look on his face.

"We used to sell her strawberries," I replied by way of explanation.

"She must have quite a taste for them. Or coal dust." Haymitch replied drily. I was nettled at his flippant attitude. At the way he made coal dust sound dirty and illicit. The coal dust my father had died in.

"She's dating Gale and my friend anyway," I replied shortly.

Once Gale was quieted Prim made us all eat some stew and bread. Madge left immediately saying her parents would worry and turned and gave me a swift hug before disappearing into the night. I tried to stop her and convince her to stay the night. But she was gone before I could say a word. My aunt needed to get back to the kids and Haymitch and Peeta were ordered home by my mother. I think Peeta would have stayed but my mother had seen him holding me on the bed earlier and probably didn't approve. Or maybe she just wanted to empty the house. She didn't try to send me to bed and humored me by allowing me to sit up and watch. I had to. I was the person responsible.

I sat on my aunt's stool and took his hand for an instant feeling sick. He looked younger than his years asleep. No older than Rory really. I remembered the boy who couldn't pronounce my name in the occasional family gathering and the suspicious scowling boy I met in the woods. How interesting a pair we were. Angry, frightened and committed to keeping our families alive. Desperate to survive but also comforted that family might protect us. I thought of the woods and how they sustained us. The days spent fishing and hunting fulfilling the call to nature that seemed in our blood. I remembered the time I hurt my knee and he had to carry me home and how I protested because it made me look weak. I was a tiny angry little thing more ferret than a person. We had each other's backs and kept each other brave.

I thought of how selfish I had been. Focusing on being married to Peeta and not on how my actions affect my family. I imagined President Snow killing Gale and then Rory and Vic and Posy and Prim and everyone else I loved. I imagined Gale being forced into the Games and how he would have done anything to protect us. Even pretend to be in love with someone. Even if it was the worst girl in the world he wouldn't have hesitated. How could I have hesitated an instant and not done what President Snow had wanted? It was my failure that caused him to hurt them. I hadn't kept up my end of the bargain. I ought to have died in the Games. Peeta would make sure they were all taken care of and Gale wouldn't be lying there injured.

I remembered how I had treated him and how I had been tempted to leave him and the rest of my family behind so that I might save Prim and Peeta and myself. I would have let Posy get turned into an Avox or Rory and Vic get killed. No wonder he was upset and disgusted with me. I won the Games and no decent person ever did. I thought of all the Victors I had ever seen and not one of them were normal.

You saved Peeta the voice in my head said. But then I remembered how my district would have treated me if I had let him die. Maybe my motives had not been as pure as I thought. Maybe that too was selfish. I leaned my head on the table and wished that Seneca Crane had blown me to bits. I realized that the answer to myself lay in the handful of berries I held out. If I had done it because I was afraid that people would shun me I was despicable. If I did it out of passionate love I was selfish but understandable. But if I did it in an act of rebellion against the Capitol I was worthy. But I didn't know why I did. Had I done it out of an unconscious feeling of rebellion? Had I been listening to Peeta when he talked about not being a piece in their games. I knew underneath all of it that keeping those I cared about safe wasn't enough. Not with people being hurt like this. I thought of the man in District 11 and wondered at my shock.

Life in District 12 wasn't really much different than being in the Arena. At some point, you have to stop running and turn around and face whoever wants you dead. The hard thing is finding the courage to do it. It wasn't hard for Gale. He was like my father in that respect. Like my aunt who got up a week after delivering a baby. I guessed there was more of my mother than I thought in me. And even my mother was compassionate to her patients. I was building plans for escaping while Gale was planning rebellions. I could imagine how disappointed my father would be in me. How selfish and cold I had become.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I pushed a stubborn strand of hair back from his face where it poked him in the eye at each breath. It was all my fault.

He blinked up at me through the opiates and whispered hoarsely, "Hey Catnip."

"Hey yourself," I choked out.

"Thought you'd be gone by now." He said.

My choices were simple. I could die in the woods or stay behind and fight and die beside my family. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna stay behind and cause all kinds of trouble."

"Me too." He replied smiling a little loopily up at me before falling asleep again. Peeta was right when he told me he didn't believe I would leave anyone behind. But the fact that I had even considered it… Where was the girl who volunteered for her sister? She was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular scene in the book is a bit difficult for Everlark shippers but very important to the plot. It's the moment where President Snow makes his first power play and where Katniss owns up to her destiny. It's also where she starts to wonder her motivations for everything. We never know exactly why Katniss took out the berries. My personal belief is that she wasn't willing to kill Peeta because that was against the values she held dear and because she just cared too much about him.
> 
> This is horribly hard because Katniss doesn't do well when those she loves are in pain. And she's already seen way too much violence and bloodshed. For all you Gadge fans out there we have a nice little scene and few more to come. I find that Katniss is way too hard on herself in this chapter. She just blames herself for a lot of things that are way out of her control. I found it interesting to imagine how the same scenario would have played out in canon if Gale had been forced to pretend to love someone like Madge. I wonder how gender dynamics and sexuality would come into play. I think it might have been more convincing. Katniss was at an extreme disadvantage with her withdrawn personality and even her demisexuality (personal headcanon). Katniss is beginning the journey that will lead her straight into the Quell as she makes her choices over who to save. And that carries over into Mockingjay as well. She's trying to save everyone. We'll see how that works out.


	11. Chapter 11 Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Katniss makes plans and conditions in District 12 worsen.

I awoke with a start when someone shook my shoulder. I had fallen asleep at the kitchen table. I had done that plenty of times when finishing homework but my other cheek throbbed from the whip. Gale was still out stone cold from the morphling and I was glad. The pain when he awoke would be horrible. I smelled fresh bread and turned to see Peeta staring at me. His eyes were shadowed and he had a look of apprehension on his face. He knew just like I did that this was a warning. A warning that all of our loved ones were in danger.

"Go up to bed, Katniss. I'll look after him now," he said gently as he laid the bread down on the counter.

"Peeta, about what I said yesterday. You were right." I felt my cheeks flush with shame at the idea that I had even entertained such an idea.

"I know. There's nothing to explain." He replied. I could see in the pale morning light the blue shadows on his face. I remembered how he had agreed to go with me without hesitation and how he had protected Gale who had never been friends with him. His willingness to throw his lot in with mine even when I gave so little in return. My friendship was surely not worth this much.

"You're going to be ok," Peeta whispered suddenly hugging me. I wasn't used to hugs. Only Prim was in the habit of hugging me. But being hugged by Peeta made me feel safe. His arms felt strong and he always gave off such a feeling of warmth and tenderness. I burrowed my head against the soft cotton of his shirt and took a couple of deep breaths.

"Just go to bed, ok?" he said kissing me on the forehead.

I crawled into bed fully dressed and dreamed of Clove becoming a mutation and how she and the other mutts tore me to pieces. I could feel the pain and realized as I awoke that the injured cheek had come from Thread, not Clove. I wished that Peeta was there to hold me. Then I remembered that it wasn't fair to ask him to stay with me when I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to. And besides, if my mother found out she would be very upset. A life with Peeta was the Capitol's invention. We were friends. That was all. At least on my end.

I got up and glanced out the window to see that the winds had picked up and the snow had begun in earnest. It was a good thing because snow might keep the Peacekeepers away long enough for us to form some sort of plan. The blizzard was actually a gift. I realized as I changed into fresh clothes exactly what I was committing to. The Capitol would retaliate. They might arrest me, torture me, mutilate me. Being shot in the town square would be the most merciful outcome. The Capitol knew how to kill people creatively. I knew all of those things had already been lurking around ready to get me. Ever since I had become President Snow's target I was in danger.

But now my family and friends were being targeted. I thought of Prim and my heart faltered. I could barely breathe as I thought of it. I choked on my own thoughts as I imagined all those things happening to her. But then I realized how much the Capitol already hurt her. They killed her father, let her nearly starve to death, reaped her and then forced her to watch her sister nearly die. And Rue's life was even worse. I thought of Posy, Vic and Rory and how hard their mother and Gale worked to protect them. Wasn't these children the reason I had to fight? Because the world they have faced was so wrong and so evil I had no choice? Because no one has the right to treat any child that way.

I forced down the fear as I thought of them. I couldn't save Rue but maybe I could save the Prims, Posys, Vics, and Rorys of Panem. Gale was right when he said that people just needed courage. He was also right that for some reason I had power over these people. I tried to think of what to do as I showered. I knew that I wasn't prepared to lead a revolution. I didn't have enough conviction, experience or courage. I didn't have the persuasive powers or the cleverness to convince and lead people.

I thought of Peeta then. His skill with words made people embrace everything he said. It wouldn't be difficult for him to lead a group to action. He could easily find the words to say. But would he even consider such a thing? All that talent was hidden in a world of self-effacement. People didn't see him and tended to discount him. The Careers had much to their peril. Even Haymitch hadn't appreciated him. The gentle self-deprecating humor wasn't an act. But neither was the skill. I knew him well enough to know that even when he was a skilled liar he didn't lie except to protect and help others. I thought of what we could do together.

I finally managed to get downstairs to find Mother and Prim taking care of Gale. The morphling had already long worn out by the look on his face. I tried to get my mother to give him some more but she said she would try a snow coat first. I winced as I noticed the inflammation in the wounds. Prim carefully laid the green mixture on his flesh and I could see the relief cross his face. I wondered what it would be like to have a whipping occur in summer and having to keep sweat and flies away. My mother held the snow coat to my own wound and I sighed in relief. It numbed and cooled the area instantly.

"Why didn't you give this to him last night?" I asked.

"It needed to set first." She replied. I wasn't sure what she was talking about but when it came to medicine I trusted my mother. I felt embarrassed about my outburst the night before. But all I could remember was my mother letting Prim and I nearly die and how I couldn't save Rue and how I hated seeing people in pain. I guess Peeta and Haymitch forgave me. Peeta was nice enough to do it and Haymitch because he had probably said worse. "I'm sorry. About screaming at you."

"I've heard worse. People tend to do that when people they love are in pain." I nodded as I felt my stomach hurt. Loving people hurt my stomach. Loving my family meant that I spent time worrying about their safety. It sometimes felt like all my energy was spent in protecting them.

"How can you do this?" I questioned thinking about how she had disappeared on us and yet was able to patch her nephew's back together without flinching.

"Because I have to. And because at least I can do something to help." My mother replied.

"It's like you and your hunting," Prim added. She finished her task and washed her hands and I marveled at her poise.

"Where's Peeta?' I questioned suddenly aware that he was not in the room.

"He went home when I got up. Didn't want to leave his house unattended in the storm." My mother replied as she mixed the porridge for breakfast.

"Did he get back all right?" I questioned. In a blizzard, one could get lost in just yards and wander off course. Several times people had died that way and had been discovered when it thawed. And Peeta with his bad leg might have slipped and fallen.

"Why don't you call him up and check?" my mother suggested. I was about to do so when Gale stopped me.

"Was Madge here last night?" he questioned.

"Yes, she brought you the medicine. It was her mother's. But she left soon because she didn't want her parents to worry." I answered.

"Could you call her? Make sure she's ok," he asked his voice weak but determined.

"Of course," I replied as I went to the study. I hated the study since that was where President Snow threatened me. But it was the only room with a telephone. I thought about Madge and sighed. Gale sure had it bad. Madge had left well before the storm got bad. She was probably home wrapped in a blanket by the fire. While he was lying there with a back torn open in terrible pain. But his main concern was her. That was what love did to people. And I didn't want that.

I dialed Peeta's number and said, "Hey, I just wanted to make sure you got home safely."

"Katniss, I live across the street from you." He replied chuckling a little.

"I know, but with the weather like this…" I said beginning to feel a little foolish.

"Well, I'm fine. Thanks for checking." There was a pause and then he said, "How's Gale?"

"He's better. Mom and Prim are giving him the snow coat. They gave me some too. It feels good."

"Good. You'll want to take care of that. Imagine what the preps would say to a scar on your face." His voice was faintly sarcastic and I laughed in spite of myself.

I got off the phone and dialed Madge's number. The maid picked up with her superior sound in her voice and at last put Madge on the line. She sounded as if she had run to the phone. Immediately she questioned me as to how Gale was doing and threatening to come over storm or no storm. It took me a few minutes to convince her that wasn't a good idea and that he was on the mend provided we took care of it.

"He was worried about you. That's why I called." I said.

"Me? I'm fine. I just….I know you'll take care of him. I'm not much use over there. Although I do help take care of my mother."

"Your probably better at it than I am. But we'll work on it. And when the storms over I'm sure he'll appreciate a visit." I replied.

It took nearly two days for the storm to end and another day before a path was cleared from the town to Victor's Village. I helped my mother and sister take care of Gale and put the snow coat on my own face. Peeta was right. I knew that the preps would be horrified over a scar. I kept going over the plan in my head as I watched my wound turn red and scaly and my eye wound turn every shade of green and brown.

At the first opportunity, I got Peeta to help me drag Haymitch out of the house to talk. We stood on the narrow path to town and talked quietly afraid that even the snowbanks could betray us.

"So are we heading off to the great unknown?" Haymitch's tone was flippant and mocking.

"No," I replied. "Not anymore."

"Worked through the flaws in that plan, sweetheart?" he questioned.

"I want to start an uprising." I said suddenly.

Haymitch laughed but it was the kind of laugh that sounded like he thought it was a complete joke. It was clear he didn't take me seriously. "You let me know how that works."

"Then what's your plan?" I questioned angrily.

"My plan is to make your wedding the most perfect one in all of Panem. I called and got them to reschedule the photo shoot for a few weeks. Told them you fell on some ice.

I felt lost as he added, "It won't work."

By the time we reached Town, I knew that Haymitch wouldn't help me on my mission. I hoped Peeta would though. I had been unprepared for the changes in District 12. In the storm, Peeta and I had expected that it would be impossible. But the huge banner with the seal of Panem, the marching Peacekeepers and the machine gun nests on the rooftops proved me wrong. And the whipping posts, stockades and gallows were even more terrifying. Then I saw a blaze of fire. I started off towards it but Peeta pulled me back. It was the Hob. I thought of Greasy Sae, Ripper and all the others who made their living in there. I thought of how they might be burning alive.

"They aren't there. They're too smart for that. I'm off to see how much achohol the apocathary will sell me."

Peeta and I glanced at each other in horror. Rubbing achohol could kill or blind someone if drank. "I have some achhol. We've got to stop him."

Peeta nodded, "I do too. I hope it'll be enough to hold him off till Ripper gets back in business. I need to check on my family."

"I have to check on my aunt." I replied. I had expected her to show up the minute the snow cleared. Had something happened to her and the kids? Visions of them being dragged through the snow struck me.

"I'll go, too. Drop by the bakery on my way home." He replied. He had obviously sensed my apprehension.

The streets were still but not because people were at work or school. The glanced out their widows as I passed. I thought of my plan and nearly laughed at my own stupidity. Gale and I had not taken into account how few people break the law in 12. We and our whole familes had done that. But we were unusal. Except for those who went to the Hob most people in 12 were too afraid of the repercussion of such an action. Weaponless, defenseless and terrified of my mere presence in the neighborhood I had expected them to rise up. No wonder Haymitch had laughed.

I found my aunt nursing a very sick Posy. I saw the measles spots and groaned. Measles were dangerous especially now in the dead of winter. Poor Aunt Hazelle had a sick child and an injured son she was unable to visit. No wonder she looked exhausted.

"I couldn't leave her. I knew Gale would be fine in your mother's hands." She rocked Posy back and forth to keep the sad moans from excaping her mouth. Poor baby. We had all had measles. I took Posy from my aunt who sank down on the kitchen chair in relief.

"He's much better. My mother said he can work in a few weeks." I added taking up the cloth and letting Posy play with it lanquidly.

"They may not be open. They say the mines are closed until further notice." She glanced at the empty wash tub.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Everyone is afraid to go to me."

"Maybe it's the snow." Peeta said.

"No, Rory made the rounds but nobody had anything." I could see the discouragement drain off of her.

Rory wrapped his arms around her and said comfortingly, "We'll be all right. I'll go and…"

"No you won't and that's the end of it." My aunt snapped back. Rory was thinking of signing up for tesserae. I thought of how much like Gale Rory was turning out to be. He was the spitting image of his brother at that age. Already he seemed to have aged years since I had last seen him.

I took out all the coins I had and laid it on the table." My mother will send something for Posy."

My aunt stopped me and said, "Thank you, Katniss." I knew she meant much more but couldn't find the words to say it. She reached out and hugged me briefly. Then she turned to Peeta and patted him on the shoulder, "You take care of this girl. She's wearing all of us ragged with her recklessness."

My aunt had finally accepted him into the family. And her kindness was probably more than his mother had ever done. I tried to get him to leave me so I could go see the Hob.

"I've dragged you into enough trouble." I said.

"And avoiding a stroll by the Hob…that's going to fix things for me?" he questioned with a smile. He took my mittened hand and we set off towards the Hob. The Peacekeepers were gone knowing there was no one who would try to save it. The coal dust made the snow turn black. "I want to check on Greasy Sae."

"Not today, Katniss. I don't think we would be helping anyone by seeing them." He replied.

Discouraged I went back to the town where we dropped in on the bakery. I bought some cakes from Peeta's father while they talked about the weather. A Peacekeeper came down the stairs as we stood there and left without acknoleging anyone. Peeta's father whispered that all the Merchant familes had many of them living with them. They were obligated to keep them on. We didn't say anything about the instruments of torture. But from the diminishing stock of bread, it was clear that the Peacekeepers were taking from the Mellarks.

Things only got worse. The mines were closed for two weaks and people started to starve again. The kids signed up for tesserae, even Merchant kids, but they often didn't recive the grain. The food shortages grew worse and regardless of the number of coins people had there was no food to be had. The mines cut wages, increased hours and sent miners into worse condions. Even the Parcel Day packages arrived spoiled with rodents. People started getting punished with for offenses they had forgotten were illegal. Just looking at a Peacekeeper wrong could land you in the stocks.

Gale went home but we didn't talk anymore about rebellion. Madge came nearly every afternoon after school ostensibly to visit me but really because she wanted to see Gale. Her presence kept him from going crazy with the forced inactivity. Rory signed up for tesserae against my aunt and Gale's wishes and it ended in a huge row. Gale couldn't even speak of it and I knew he blamed himself. I didn't add that Gale would have done the same thing. I only hoped that this wouldn't just strengthen his resolve to fight.

I managed to get Haymitch to hire my aunt as his housekeeper. It was odd to see his once filthy house clean and sweet smelling and food warming on the stove. My aunt needed the money and it was good for him. I didn't know how she stood being near him. The liquor Peeta and I had gathered was nearly gone.

I couldn't walk through town without being stared out in anger and people turned away from me. When I came home the constant stream of sick people left a damper on everything. My mother didn't accept payment for her services but her stock of medicine was depleted.

The woods were impossible. Even Gale didn't try to get under the fence. But one day I did. It wasn't the sick and dying or the misery that made me do it. It was the crate of wedding dresses the President had approved for me to wear. The sickness of worrying about a wedding while people staved struck me again. The fact that I was probably to be married only to be killed. The utter uselessness and waste struck me as the final straw in a long list of injuries.

I went to the lake that day. I wanted to say goodbye to my father and remember all the happy times we spent there. I knew I would probably never return and the house and atmosphere of District 12 was stifling me. I almost didn't care if they caught me so long as I could see it one last time. The trip took a long time because I was so exhausted and discouraged I didn't notice the signs of life. Then I heard the click of a weapon.

I whirled around reaching for an arrow although I knew that a gun could be fired much faster than an arrow. I saw the white Peacekeeper uniform but the person did not shoot. Instead, they dropped their weapon and held out an object towards me. I almost fired but then I recognized the symbol on the cracker. It was a mockingjay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Katniss. She's fighting her feelings and is trying so hard to keep them in a safe box. I had to laugh when I was writing how Gale was all concerned about Madge and Katniss was being all judgy while not taking into account her own fear over Peeta. She was being so obtuse there. The way that District 12 changes after Thread arrive always chills me. I also included a reference to the Merchants having to take in Peacekeepers. That was a common tactic to have civilians take in the military of the lands they had captured. It was also a common practice in the colonies. It helps to show how the Capitol is pushing closer and closer into their lives. You might wonder why Hazelle asks Peeta to take care of Katniss even though we know she can mostly take care of herself. Well, I think District 12 is a bit old fashioned and she would think that Katniss having a man in her life would protect her. Plus she knows Katniss's tendency to act without thinking about the consequences. The wedding once again reappears in Katniss's life. It must have felt like such a waste when President Snow planned to kill her anyway.


	12. Chapter 12 Bonnie and Twill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Katniss gains new supporters and gets trapped in the woods.

I had supporters. That was news to me. Not just people who found me interesting or loved the Star-Crossed Lovers but people who wanted to follow me. These women, Bonnie and Twill, had run away from District 8. They told an incredible story. They said they were running to District 13. The district that was blown off the face of the map 75 years ago. I was shocked they had made it as long as they had for District 8 was a barren landscape of industrial factories and tenements. Their tributes never made it very far except in the occasional games set in a ruined city.

I gave them food I had planned to send over to the Hawthrones and Greasy Sae. I knew these starving girls needed it. They told me their story as they ate. Apparently, in District 8 the discontent of the masses of people forced practically on top of each other bubbled up longer and longer. They began planning revolutions and hiding banned books and papers that they read in meetings and distributed to the people. They could talk to one another at work because the textile machines were so loud. They had a plan to take over on the day that Peeta and I came there on the Victory Tour. But the plans were set in motion on the night that Peeta purposed to me. I couldn't help but think that President Snow had made a major blunder. Far from being put off by the love story, they seemed to view it as part of the revolution. It had a practical purpose because it was mandatory viewing but it was also a rallying cry for all the desperate people.

At first, it seemed the uprising had succeeded. The Peacekeepers were unprepared for the hoards of angry rebels who took their weapons. But then the Capitol sent in hundreds of Peacekeepers and began bombing the rebel strongholds. The district was put on lockdown, the instigators hung, the literature was burned and people began starving. Bonnie and Twill only excaped because they were late for their shift and the rest of their families were killed. They took their uniforms, took what food they could from dead neighbors and fled. They explained to me that the reason they believed District 13 was still operational was based off a mockingjay wing constantly reappearing incating the Capitol was reusing footage. I didn't want to tell these women that they were chasing an illusion. That they wouldn't ever find District 13. I tried teaching Twill basic hunting and gave them food.

As I walked towards the fence I realized a couple of things. President Snow had been playing me. Nothing I could have done could have stopped the people of District 8 from rebelling. The imputus for their actions might have been a handful of berries but the fire had been a long time in coming. He only wanted me distracted and worried so I wouldn't do anything else. That was what the wedding was for.

I nearly electrocuted myself on the fence. I had been focusing so hard I hadn't heard the tell tale buzz of electricity. And then I did. It was then I realized how stupid I had been. President Snow potroled the woods. All the Capitol would have to do was tell Thread I was there and capture me red handed. They could say I put my hand on an electric fence and died. I had been caught behind the fence before with Gale but we always just waited until the fence was off. But today my family wouldn't dream of checking on me since I had taken steps to mislead them.

It didn't take me too long to figure out that the only way was over the top. I finally found a tree that looked promising but I began to realize half way up why Gale and I never tried this method. The drop was nearly 25ft though there was a snowbank that might cushion my fall. I fell on my butt and left heel and the pain indicated I had probably broken something. I needed to hide my whereabouts from Mom and Prim so I went to town and bought some white cloth for bandages and some peppermint drops for Prim. I could barely limp home and I began thinking up reasons why I was injured and what happened to the food.

As I walked into the kitchen I was in for another shock. There were two Peacekeepers waiting for me. Except they hadn't expected me to come. They had thought they could bring my family in for "questioning" once I didn't arrive home. My mother kept a cheerful tone but it sounded forced. I felt panic rise in me. I had to play this thing right.

"May we ask where you've been, Miss. Everdeen?" the woman asked.

"Easier to ask where I haven't been," I said as I tried to walk casually across the room. I then through my bag down on the kitchen table and turned to Prim. She looked like a terrified rabbit but she stayed calm. I turned and noticed Peeta and Haymitch playing chess. I wondered if the Peacekeepers had rounded them up or if they had come there by accident. What ever the reason I was glad to see them.

"So where haven't you been?" Haymitch asked in a bored tone.

"I haven't been talking to the Goat Man about getting the goat pregnant because someone gave me completely inaccurate information as to where he lives," I said to Prim accusingly.

"No, I didn't," said Prim. "I told you exactly."

"You said the west entrance."

"No, I told you the east entrance," Prim replied.

"You said it was next to the Slag Heap near the west entrance," I said in pretend indignation.

"The slag heap is next to the east entrance," said Prim patiently. I wondered how she knew that. She was way too young to know that sort of thing.

"No. When did you say that?" I asked.

"Last night." Haymitch chimed in. He had been drunk as a skunk the last night but he said it so convincingly. He was shaking his head and muttering about how I didn't know east from west.

"It was definitely the east," Peeta added. He looked over at Haymitch and they exchanged a laugh. I glared at Peeta who attepted to look contrite but added, "I'm sorry, but it's what I've been saying. You don't listen to people when they talk to you."

"Bet people told you he didn't live there and you didn't listen," said Haymitch.

"Shut up, Haymitch," I said sharply but it was clear he was right.

Haymitch and Peeta laughed heartly and even Prim smiled. If the situation hadn't been so urgent I might have been offended. "Fine. Someone else can arrange to get the stupid goat knocked up." They all laughed except for my mother who looked alarmed over my language. But I knew that it was this poise and unflappable courage that had kept Haymitch and Peeta going. Nothing ever threw them.

I dumped the contents of the bag on the table when the woman asked. Peeta grabbed a peppermint and I tried to grab the bag from him before he tossed it to Haymitch and Prim. "None of you deserve candy!"

"What, because we're right?" Peeta asked wrapping an arm around me. The stabbing pain in my tailbone meant I couldn't suppress the yelp of pain. I tried to cover it but Peeta could tell I was hurt. "Okay, okay. Prim said west and I heard west. And we're all idiots. How's that?"

"Better," I said. I gave a show of accepting his kiss and then turn to the Peacekeepers as if remembering they were there. "You have a message for me?"

"From Head Peacekeeper Thread," said the woman. "He wanted you to know that the fence surrounding District 12 will be electrified twenty-four hours a day."

"Wasn't it always?" I asked too innocently.

"He thought you would want to tell your cousin." The woman replied.

"Thank you. I'll tell him. I'm sure we'll all sleep a little more soundly now that the lapse in security has been addressed." I had gone too far this time but the satification in seeing the woman's disgusted face nearly made it worth it. I slumped against Peeta the moment they left.

"What's wrong?" Peeta asked as he helped me over to the rocker and I sat down.

"I slipped and fell on some ice. I banged my left foot, heal and tailbone." I knew none of them were convinced about the ice but were smart enough to know it was too dangerous to talk openly.

My mother told me that my left heel was broken but my tailbone was just bruised. I was fed three bowls of stew and a lot of bread by the fire. Prim kept me company and we ate peppermint drops as she talked about school. I promised that I would try on the wedding dresses so she could see them. I didn't have the heart to show my lack of entusasim. My mother gave me cammomile tea with sleep syrup and almost immediately I felt my eyes close. Peeta helped me up the stairs but halfway up I couldn't manage and he just carried me like I was Posy. He even tucked me into bed like I was a child. Peeta leaned over and kissed me on the forhead and whispered, "Good Night." But I captured his hand to keep him from leaving. Sleep syrup was like white liquor and made people less inhibited. I knew I had to try to control my tongue. But I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to climb in there with me and hold me when the nightmares hit. But somehow I knew that wouldn't be fair even if my mother would be ok with it.

"Don't go yet. Not until I fall asleep," I asked him.

He sat on the edge of my bed and warmed my hand in both of his. The sensation of warmth settled in my bones relaxing each mucle. "I was worried they had taken you."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stay out so late." I murmered as I pulled his hand up and leaned my cheek against the back of it. The scent of dill and cinnamon assaulted me and it struck me as odd that I was smelling his hand but I was too far gone to think of it. I wanted to tell him about what I had learned but it was too dangerous and I was too sleepy. All I could manage was "Stay with me."

As the tendrils of sleep syrup pulled me down I could hear him whisper a word back but I couldn't quite catch it. And so I slept.

My mother lets me sleep in late as a consequence of the sleep syrup and injury. She put me on bed rest which normally would have sent me into a state. I wasn't the most patient sick person. But I was so tired and achy and so I let her feed me breakfast in bed and I spent the time worrying about Bonnie and Twill, Thread and those wedding dresses in the box. I knew that even if I wanted to there was no excaping. It made me jumpy but after a few days, I relaxed since nothing had happened.

Peeta came every day to bring me my favorite cheese buns and helped me with the plant book. It had been a long time since we had time to spend time together without a Victory Tour or rebellion planning. It reminded me why were friends apart from keeping each other alive. My father had added to my mother's book important edible plants and I had wanted to add my own knowledge I had picked up over the years of hunting with Gale and in the arena. But I had no artistic skill and the pictures needed to be accurate. Peeta was able to draw accurate pictures based off of what he knew, the samples we had and my own descriptions. It was hard work but it was satisfying and took my mind off of my worries. I carefully filled the pen Peeta had, a much nicer one that the scratchy school pens we were given in school, and wrote out in my best handwriting the descriptions.

I had the lisure to watch him as he worked. His hands were so beautiful as they created blooms of color and drew vivid black lines for each shape. His face took on a special look of concentration and his usual easy expression was replaced by something more intense and removed that suggests an entire world locked away inside of him. I had seen flashes of it before especially in the arena, the way he spoke to crowds and the time he shoved the Peacekeepers away from us in District 11. I didn't know what to make of it. It fasionated me to think of it and try to understand. I also became a little fixated on his eyelashes. I had barely noticed them before because they were so pale. But up close, in the sunlight slanting through the window, they were a light golden color and so long that I didn't see how they kept from getting tangled up when he blinked. I could only imagine what the Capitol people would do if they could put that heavy black stuff on his eyes like they did to me. It was even odder to think that it wouldn't be unattractive.

One afternoon Peeta stopped working and looked up so suddenly that I started as if I had been caught spying on him which in a way I had been. Was it normal for friends to stare at their friends' eyelashes? Probably not but I had never been normal. He only remarked, "It's been a long time since we have done anything normal together."

"Yeah," I agreed. Our whole relationship had been tainted by the Games and the desperate struggle to keep afloat. Only rarely had we spent time just existing. "It's nice for a change."

Every afternoon he carried me downstairs for a change of scenry and much to everyone's surprise I started to turn on the telivison. I watched it faithfully, despite my diskike of the propaganda, to see if Bonnie and Twill were right. At first, I dismissed the presence of the mockingjay in the corner but a few days later they showed more footage of they said was of District 13's ruins. The mockingjay was in the same place. It was clear the reporter wasn't in District 13.

I was even more impatient to get out of bed after that. I stuffed myself with cheese buns and watched Peeta drawing. Normally I would have disliked being taken care of and carried around like a baby. But Peeta never made me feel like I was imposing. He was always patient even when I was cross over being stuck in bed. Haymitch stopped by sometimes with the news but it was always depressing. More and more people were dying of starvation or being punished by Peacekeepers. Peeta said his family was nearly out of food because of the Peacekeepers and had to shut their doors. He gave them food and money but it wasn't enough to keep the bakery open.

"Why did you go out without telling anyone?" he asked me as I getting better. I had been irratible all day with the forced inactivity and the realization that I would soon be married. It had taken a lot to sink in. But now that it had I felt like I had no choice. And it terrified me.

"I just needed to get away. With everything coming. That box from Effie, everything in 12. It was too much." I replied sharply.

"Katniss, do you know how stupid it was? Prim was crying about how she was sure you were … but I told her that you wouldn't be that stupid. I went over to your cousins and Rory was about to try to find you. Then the Peacekeepers came and I knew there was nothing Haymitch and I could do from your whole family being arrested if you didn't come back. I was worried that some animal had attacked you or they had kidnapped." I saw him shake his head and add, "It's not all about you anymore. That was selfish of you."

I felt anger flare up inside of me even though I knew he was right. I had been selfish. But I wanted to be angry at someone and he was in front of me. "I don't want to get married. I got those wedding dresses from the Capitol and I couldn't stand it. What are they going to do? Get us married and then kill us?"

"If you keep doing things like this there won't be a wedding. And maybe that's what you want. You are so desperate to avoid this wedding that you're willing to put yourself in danger." Peeta shook his head and stood up.

"At least you want to get married. I never wanted to. Not ever." I spit out the words feeling waves of anger pour out of me. Then guilt started to set in at the look on his face. I hadn't really wanted to hurt Peeta. I had been angry.

"Do you really think I wanted to be forced to marry someone who doesn't want to get married? Who'd prefer to put herself in danger then get married? You aren't the only one suffering. I know I was to blame for this Star-Crossed Lovers thing but you were the one who brought out those damn berries. You should have let me die." He turned and left the room. I called after him but he didn't stop.

I remembered how Haymitch had said that he wanted it to be real. I tried to put myself in his shoes. Being desperately in love with him but he kept brushing me off. Giving me little bits of affection but then being cold and selfish. Showering him with love and tenderness only to have it thrown back in my face. No wonder he was so upset. I seemed to have developed an amazing capacity for hurting people. No one should ever love me. I would just let them fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, so we meet Bonnie and Twill. Poor girls. They never had a chance. I always wanted to know their story. I think we here see that President Snow's plan to have Katniss and Peeta show a united front actually backfired. The rebels were more enthusiastic than ever. That conversation with the Peacekeepers always cracks me up. Prim was a good actress.
> 
> We have the "cheese buns" time after Katniss hurts her foot. I think this time was really important for Everlark to become actual friends in canon. They already are in my story but they have more time to hang out. Yes, they use fountain pens. Why might you ask? Because I think that Panem has no computers and few typewriters meaning people likely depend on pens and pencils. Ballpoint pens are convenient but they are also disposable. Fountain pens are not. I imagine they are really cheap and scratchy except that Peeta has a nice one because he's an artist. I have an obsession with pens. Don't mind me.
> 
> Katniss gets to ogle his eyelashes. Yes, Katniss, friends don't normally stare at their friends' eyelashes. She even thinks of him with makeup on and isn't creeped out. Go, girl, you know he'd look so pretty in drag. (That may or may not be a spoiler alert.) Peeta isn't afraid to tell her he thinks she was being selfish and reckless running into the woods. He's one of the few people who will actually stand up to her except for Haymitch who I think felt more understanding for her. But it could have led her family to be imprisoned or killed. Katniss, of course, is being a brat. Don't worry. She's growing up. It just takes time. You might catch the reference to the title of the last story. I thought that was a fun call back.


	13. Chapter 13 The Quell Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Katniss apologizes, becomes a model and the Quell Announcement is read.

"Katniss, are you ok?" Prim stood on the threshold of the door looking at me with wide anxious eyes.

I tried to nod but then she came forward and wrapped her arms around me. "I heard you. I'm sorry but I was walking up the stairs and you were talking loudly."

I felt a rush of shame. Prim would rightfully think me horrible. And I deserved that opinion. But I didn't want her to think that of me. "I really messed up."

" Everyone loses their temper sometimes," Prim said softly.

"It's more than that. I really hurt him this time." I said.

"Katniss, he can't help loving you any more than you can help not loving him. As long as you both understand that then it won't be so bad." Prim snuggled up to me on the bed and I reached out my hand to brush her hair from her face. I marveled at her wisdom. She was far wiser than I had been at her age and even that I was now.

"I wish he didn't. It would be easier for all of us." I said.

Prim smiled, "I don't think you want that. I think you like him a lot more than you give yourself credit for."

"Of course I care. We're friends." I said.

"I know. But don't shut the possibility of something else, ok? I think being in love must be the most amazing feeling in the world." She laughed and winked at me.

"Prim, you're too young," I replied thinking that I had thought I would have a lot of time before she was ready for that type of thing.

"Not too young to know that it feels amazing. I just want you to be happy, Katniss." She said.

"I'll be happy wherever you are," I replied.

"Now you need to apologize," Prim said firmly.

"How? I can't get up." I tried to sit up.

"I can bring a note," Prim replied. She reached into a desk drawer and took out some smooth letter paper that I had used for a few formal notes to the Prep team after the Victory Tour. She took a large book off of the shelf and filled a pen with ink. Then she handed me the paper, book, and pen.

"What do I say?" I took it from her but sat staring at the empty page. I wasn't very good at this sort of thing.

"Well, I'm sorry is a good start. And then maybe explain why you felt that way." Prim said.

Dear Peeta,

I'm sorry for what I said. I was feeling irritable all day but that isn't an excuse. I know that you don't want this wedding either and it was unfair to blame you for it. I know I was selfish going into the woods knowing that it could hurt my family and you and Haymitch. Can you forgive me?

Katniss

I looked up and said to Prim, "I'm sorry for scaring you."

"I was really worried about you, Katniss. But I know you are always worried about us. I know you just wanted to be alone." Prim took the note from me and left. She came back a few minutes later and said, "I slipped it in his letterbox. He didn't open the door."

I knew I probably would have gone on feeling ashamed and angry if Prim hadn't forced me to write the note. What she had said stuck with me. I had been blaming Peeta for loving me because it made me guilty. It wasn't fair of course but I had never been fair. I had worse nightmares that night. I dreamed that I was back in the Arena and the mutts were at the base of the Cornucopia and I was clinging to the edge. But instead of helping me Peeta watched me struggling before saying, "You deserve this. You lied to me. You don't care." Then he pushed me off the edge. I woke up just as the mutts descended upon me. I could feel the tearing of my own flesh as I jerked awake. It had been such a real dream even though Peeta never had that cold hard look in his eyes. And he would never have tried to hurt me.

The next morning he showed up early. I had been allowed to walk downstairs with my mother and Prim's help and I was sitting by the window trying to soak in some late winter sunlight. My normally olive complexion was growing grey with lack of sun.

"I got your note." He said as he came forward. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know this whole thing has been really rough. I guess I wasn't very understanding."

I looked up and sighed. It was just like him to take the blame for everything. What had made him think he had to? Probably his mother who constantly told him how worthless he was. "I knew I was out of line. I'm not a very pleasant person."

"I think you are." At my incredulous look, he amended, "Well, when you're well fed and not angry."

I took a cheese bun and we drank some tea my mother made in silence. All was forgiven and though I knew that the Capitol would continue to insert itself into our lives I didn't feel the same panic I did earlier. I had been spending too much time thinking. I remembered the conversation we had after we got back from the Victory Tour. I remembered how Peeta had told me that our wedding didn't have to be real. The implication had been that we were free to be with who we wanted to be with. I thought about how quickly I would tire him. I was mean and cold and I couldn't possibly give him all the things he wanted. No children, except for what was ordered by the President, and not even the kind of love that people expected if they were getting married. I thought about how he would probably be making cheese buns for some other girl and feeding her and smiling at her as if she was the sun. I didn't want to think about it. As for me, I would be satisfied if I just kept everyone safe and could still hunt.

My foot improved after that but by the time I was up and around winter was fading and spring was starting to appear. One morning I woke up to find my Prep team shaking me awake and grinning far too broadly at me for that early in the morning. Haymitch had managed to push them back after Gale's whipping but they had come extra early. I tried to act thrilled that I was trying on wedding dresses and being filmed. I hadn't tried on a single dress. I hated every single one. They were huge, puffy and elaborate. No one in District 12 would be caught dead in one. Not even Madge who had lots of money. She would probably wear her Reaping dress with her hair in curls. But the Preps set to work with minimal fuss much to my relief. They bought my story of slipping on ice without a trace of suspicion. If I had told them I had been attacked by bats they probably would have believed me. They chatted about various shortages they had been happening.

Octavia mentioned that they hadn't been able to get shrimp for a party because District 4 was having bad weather. But I suspected it was because 4 had revolted. I started to question them about other shortages. They talked about various other things that were unavailable like electronics from District 3 and fabric from 8. I realized that the rebellions had not be quashed entirely.

Cinna greeted me and gazed at my scar suspiciously but didn't comment. Cinna simply put some more powder on my face. Effie's organizational mania came in handy since there were six different wedding dresses and each one had its own makeup, hairstyles, jewelry, and backgrounds. They were so elaborate with the fine delicate lace and the diamonds, pearls, and silk. Prim was home from school for the last few and she seemed almost as excited as the Preps. She exclaimed over each dress and I decided that if I got to keep a dress I would let her wear it to her own wedding. They would suit her far better anyway.

By the time that I had tried on the last dress, I was exhausted. It was late in the afternoon and I had scarcely eaten or sat down all day. I didn't even get a chance to talk to Cinna since he, Effie and the Preps had to be on the evening train. I took a shower to wipe away all traces of the Capitol and ate dinner. Prim and my mother chatted happily about velvet and silk and when my Aunt came by after finishing up at Haymitch's she was given a description of them all. I knew the reason they were all so happy. They believed the Capitol had forgiven me for my interference at the whipping because they would hardly pay for an expensive wedding only to kill me. But they didn't know the Capitol as well as I did. They didn't know about the vomiting at parties or the utter waste of everything.

I dreamed that I was in my wedding dress but that it was torn and muddy. I kept falling over the billowing skirts. I was pursued by the pack of mutts who attacked me and ripped me up. It was a reoccurring nightmare. But this time I was completely alone. I awoke screaming.

After breakfast, I set out to find Haymitch, Peeta or preferably both. Peeta was already gone and probably had already gone to town. I was shocked to see Haymitch up and around at such an early hour. I could hear my aunt upstairs cleaning and smelled the strong scent of cleaning detergent and lemon oil. Haymitch looked as if he had been drinking a good bit confirming that he had gotten liquor from Ripper. I was planning to go upstairs and find my aunt before leaving to find Peeta when he proposed a walk.

I knew he wasn't walking for his health or to share my charming company. We understood each other quite well now and so it took only a few minutes to tell him what I had discovered. He, of course, made comments about my stupidity of going into the woods but added that Districts 11 and 7 had rebelled. He still reminded me that 12 was too small and unimportantly to rebel. Even if we all joined together the Capitol could wipe us away without doing us much harm. They had other sources of energy. He didn't think much of the District 13 story and in spite of myself, I was disappointed. It had been a ray of hope.

Prim came home from school bubbling with excitement and said that there was mandatory viewing for the photo shoot. It all felt so wrong to be worrying about wedding dresses while districts were rebelling. Even Gale was going more discouraged over the potential of a rebellion in the mines. Thread had done his job well. There was lingering discontent but people were too scared to do anything about it. Seeing me dressed in the finest clothing would surely make them hesitate to rally around me.

I saw Ceasar Flickerman interduce Cinna and they spent some time talking fashion. My mind wandered as I had no interest in fashion despite my supposed talent for it. The Capitol had the chance to vote for the favorite dress and the final six I tried on were the result of the first pick. People were so invested in those monstrous dresses. I knew Cinna' s personal style was much simpler and more elegant. These had the stamp of the Capitol. I was about to shut the TV off in disgust when Ceasar announced that the reading of the card for the Quarter Quell was coming tonight. My mother started as if remembering something. Her face grew quiet and silent.

I saw President Snow take the stage and he gave a long speech about the purpose of the Games and the Quarter Quells which always had a special twist from normal games. They were designed to call to remembrance the sacrifices of rebellion which couldn't be more pointed considering the danger. The first Quell had forced districts to choose their tributes. In all but the Career districts that must have been horrible. The second Quell reaped double the number of tributes. It was the year Haymitch had won.

"I had a friend who went in that year. Maysilee Donner. Her parents owned the sweet shop. They gave me her canary afterward." I started at my mother's soft voice. That was Madge's aunt. I hadn't known she was friends with my mother. I thought of the gift of the canary. How sad that there was little left of Maysilee except for a long-dead canary and a pin that I had won the Games with. No wonder Madge had given it to me. She too had believed I was coming home.

The box for the Third Quell contained many envelops indicating that they had games for hundreds of years. The complete waste contained in that box struck me. The President picked up the envelope marked 75 and opened it. He began in his sonorous voice, "As a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the strength of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."

My mother cried out and Prim began sobbing but I sat there stunned and uncomprehending. What did it mean? Existing pool of victors.

Then it hit me. Since District 12 only had three victors and two were male. I was going back into the Arena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we know now who gave Katniss a talking to. Prim seemed a perfect choice since she knows Katniss so well and has a lot of influence over her. I just love Katniss and Prim's relationship. Prim is one of the few people who can knock some sense into Katniss but she's a lot more diplomatic, unlike Haymitch. Sigh! Katniss still doesn't get how much that boy loves her. She has a lousy self-image and never thinks anyone is capable of truly loving her.
> 
> I always thought reaping the victors was particularly stupid of Snow. He could have kept Katniss and Peeta in line pretty easily. I know Collins was forced to do it so they couldn't get sold off and immediately bump up her rating beyond the teen level. One of my favorite AUs is the marriage instead of the Quell. There are some very good stories about that. One of my favorites is "The Wedding" and "The Other Mockingjay" by MockingjayFlyingFree.


	14. Chapter 14 Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Katniss makes a deal and they start planning.

I was up and out the door before I knew where I was going. I didn't even have shoes on me or a coat but I didn't even notice the cold. I wanted to flee into the woods but when I got to the fence the hum of electricity reminded me that I was stuck in the district. I didn't remember where I had gone next only that when I came to I was on the floor of the basement of one of the empty homes in Victor's Village. I felt like screaming. Screaming so loudly that everyone from here to the next district could hear me. I stuffed the front of my shirt into my mouth and screamed myself hoarse.

I was going back. To the place of nightmares. I was totally shocked by this one. I had expected many things but this wasn't one of them. I had seen torture, mutilation, and public execution. My family being murdered off. My children reaped. But I had never thought I would have to step foot in another arena. There was no precedent for this. Victors were supposed to be free from reapings forever.

I could hear the sound of voices calling for me but I ignored it. I allowed myself the freedom of thinking only of myself. Not of my family and loved ones who were probably frantic with worry. I thought of the perfect opportunity this was for President Snow. It was far too convenient for it to be accidental. No, I felt certain he wanted to get rid of me and this was his preferred method. Victors were the strongest in society and in some strange way an embodiment of hope. They were rich and powerful and had survived where others hadn't. But now they were being killed to show that there was no hope. I was suddenly glad I had only been one for a year. It would be so much worse to know all of them and see them every year like Haymitch. They seemed to be friends and even when they weren't mentoring went to the Capitol every year to see each other. I only had to worry about Peeta and Haymitch. Peeta or Haymitch!

I sat up as the thought struck me. Had I seriously thought of killing either? No, I decided. I had just been comparing my situation. But I knew one of them would be going in with me. And they might have already been making plans. Decided who would go in. I knew already that Peeta was probably pleading to go in with me. To protect me.

I knew that I had to stop him. I scrambled up and struggled around trying to find an exit. I found the source of my entry in a window I had broken and found that my hand was bleeding. I must have hurt myself but I didn't remember it. I ran to Haymitch's house where I found him drinking alone with a knife in his hands. I stood there panting.

"There she is. Finally figured it out. Realized she isn't going in alone? And now you're here to ask me…what?" he said. I hated the mocking tone in his voice knowing how right he was. I shivered in the chill from the open window.

"It was easier for the boy. He was here before I could open this bottle. He was begging for another chance to go in. But what can you say?" He began mimicking me, "Take his place, Haymitch, because all things considered you're an old drunk and I'd rather Peeta has a chance at life than you."

How well he knew me. That had been exactly what I had been thinking. But on contemplating the idea of Haymitch dying I realized I didn't want that either. He was part of my family now for better or worse. I didn't know why I had come.

"I came for a drink," I said as my eyes fixed on the bottle.

He only laughed and handed it to me. I wiped it off and downed a huge gulp. The stuff burned my eyes and made me choke but it made me relax almost instantly. I liked the feeling.

"Maybe it should be you. You hate life anyway." I said as I sat down.

"Very true. And since last time I agreed to save you, it seems I'm obligated to try to save him this time."

"That's another good point," I commented as I took another swallow.

"His argument is that because I choose you I should choose his wishes first. And his are to go in a protect you." Said Haymitch as I teared up from the alcohol.

It was just like Peeta to do that. While I had been wallowing in misery and selfishly only thought of myself he had been thinking only of me. What had I done to deserve that kind of devotion? Nothing. Shame wasn't a strong enough word for the emotion running through me.

"You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know," Haymitch said.

"Yes, yes, I know that. No doubt he's the superior one among us. So what are you going to do?" I could hear the brusqueness of my reply but in my heart, the pain had begun to set in. I would die. And I was about to lose my best friend.

"I don't know. Go back with you if I can. But if my name's drawn I can't stop him from volunteering."

I kept drinking until I said at last, "It would be bad because of you know all the others?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be unbearable no matter what. Can I have that back?" He tried taking the bottle from me but I held on to it and tried to clear my thoughts. He only shrugged and opened another bottle. After a few minutes, I said, "I know what I'm asking. If Peeta and I are in the arena please pick him. We're going to keep him alive this time."

I could see a flicker of emotion in his eyes. Something like pain. "It's going to be bad no matter what. And no matter what Peeta wants it's his turn to be saved. We owe him that. And the Capitol hates me so much that I might as well be dead. I'm sure after I'm gone they won't care. Please, say you'll help me."

"All right. But sweetheart, remember your family. That sister of yours. Are you really willing to throw your life away?" I could see he was testing me. Trying to see if I was really sincere. The idea of leaving my family behind to die struck me then. Never seeing Prim, my mother or cousins again. But then I thought of Peeta lying cold and dead and I knew that I couldn't bear to leave that arena without him. I had felt it before but it was a hundred times worse now.

"I'm not leaving that arena without him," I said firmly and then fled. I supposed I should go see Peeta but the liquor had begun to set in and I was afraid he would take advantage of my drunken state to extract a promise out of me. I had to face Prim and my mother.

As I walked up the steps the door opened and Gale stepped out. I slammed into him drunkenly and if he hadn't grabbed my shoulders I probably would have fallen flat on my face. "Katniss, I was wrong. We should have left when you said. I didn't think about this happening." His voice shook as I clung to him feeling tears roll down my cheeks.

"No," I said as my mind scattered and the liquor poured out all over him.

"It's not too late. We can make a run for it." He said. I glanced at Prim and my mother. I could see my aunt heading for me and Rory, Vic and Posy sobbing behind them. But if I ran away we would be caught. And then everyone would die.

"Yeah, it is." I choked out. It was too late. Too late for everything. I heard the glass bottle shatter as I collapsed and blacked out.

When I awoke the next morning I had barely sat up before the liquor made a reappearance. I threw up for a long time and even after the stuff was gone I was left with a pounding headache and stomach ache. I tried to shower but realized that my mother must have stripped me of all but my underwear. I tore them off and tried to wash up. I saw the stitches on my hand. She must have sewn the cuts up. I was still feeling vile and wondered how Haymitch felt this horrible on a daily basis. As I heard my mother on the stairs I started to panic. I wasn't prepared for this.

I couldn't stop crying. Prim and my mother ended up comforting me. Then they got me into clean clothes and forced tea and toast down me and let me sleep. When I woke up it was late afternoon and my stomach and head had just begun feeling better. I swallowed the pills and got up. I was embarrassed by my reaction. Getting drunk, running away and crying wasn't my usual behavior. But I supposed I deserved one day to myself.

My mother and Prim were making such an effort to be calm themselves. I glanced at Prim's resolute face and had trouble seeing the frail little girl of reaping day. All the things she had been through since had made her mature. She was growing too. She was nearly my height already and her body had begun to develop slightly.

My aunt was at the kitchen table as I came towards them. I saw her face crumple and suddenly she was crying. She had been dry-eyed and calm when I had been reaped last year. Now the reaction had set in. The children were not there but I vaguely remembered seeing them cry. And Gale? He was in the mines but I could only imagine how he felt. From what he said the night before he probably felt guilty for stopping me from running. If only we had…It might have landed us in worse punishment and it might have been terrible but at least there was a way out. There was no way out of the Arena.

Aunt Hazelle dried her tears in a few moments and said, "There's some soup that might help your stomach."

"I'll get some for Haymitch," I said. "Although he's probably drunk."

I took the soup and went to Haymitch's. He accepted the soup without comment and we sat and drank it while watching the sunset. I heard rustling upstairs and assumed that my aunt had come through the kitchen and was cleaning but a few minutes late Peeta came down with a cardboard box of liquor which he set down.

"There, it's done." He said.

"What's done?" I said. I hadn't seen him since the announcement. I had expected him to show up right after I woke up. To comfort me and let me comfort him. But he hadn't appeared. And now I knew what he was doing.

"I've poured all the liquor down the drain," Peeta replied calmly.

"What?" said Haymitch and I together.

"I got rid of all of it," Peeta said.

"He'll just buy more," I said.

"No, he won't. I found Ripper this morning and told her I'd turn her into Thread the second she sold to either of you. I paid her off for good measure but I don't think she's eager to be arrested by Peacekeepers again." Peeta's voice was provokingly calm with that hint of cold calculation I had occasionally seen.

Haymitch tried to get him with his knife but Peeta deflected it easily. Haymitch wouldn't last a day in the Hunger Games and I think we all knew it. I felt anger rise in me. "It's none of your business what he does."

"It's completely my business. However, this goes two of us are going into the arena with the other as the mentor. We can't afford any drunks on this team. Especially not you, Katniss," Peeta said patiently. I felt like he was acting like Aunt Hazelle on a bad day. When she started lecturing me for not paying attention in school.

"What?" I sputtered but it came out pathetic since I was still hungover. "Last night's the only time I've ever gotten drunk."

"Yeah and look what shape you're in," Peeta said.

I had expected comfort and even a few hugs and kisses. Reassurances that we would be all right even though there was no way that it would be all right. I hadn't expected him to treat me so coldly. It was as if he had already transformed into someone else. I turned to Haymitch more to nettle Peeta than for Haymitch's benefit and said, "I'll buy you more."

"Then I'll turn you both in. Let you sober up in the stocks," said Peeta. I glanced at him and saw he was deadly serious. His eyes fixed on mine and I could see the intensity in them. In most cases, he had remained amenable to my wishes. But I had already discovered that he could be as unmoveable as one of the mountains above District 12 when he wanted to.

"What's the point to this?" Haymitch asked his voice changing into a wily pleading.

"The point is that two of us are coming home. One mentor and one victor," said Peeta. "Effie's sending me recordings of the games of all living victors. We're going to study their tactics and how they fight. We're going to put on muscle and get strong. We're going to start acting like Careers. And one of us is going to be a victor again whether you two like it out not!" His voice kept rising as Haymitch and I stared at him. He looked more like Victor material than either of us. He swept out the door and slammed it causing both of us to wince.

"I don't like self-righteous people," I said.

"What's to like?" said Haymitch who began sucking the dregs out of the empty bottles.

"You and me. That's who he plans to come home," I said.

"Well, then the joke's on him," said Haymitch drily. I considered that at this point Peeta deserved to come home. He was the only one taking the whole thing seriously.

When I got home I found my cousins and Madge congregated around the kitchen table. Posy was crying again and Vic looked ready to join her. Rory was trying hard to appear calm and comfort his siblings but he was still so young. Prim had dried her tears long ago but she looked crushed. Her sweet, flower-like face was already losing its youthful vibrancy. The only good thing about going back into the Games was that Prim was safe. When I died she would have to move back to the Seam but I knew Peeta would keep her safe. She wouldn't have to go hungry like before.

Madge reached out and hugged me but didn't say anything. I was glad that she wasn't offering me hollow reassurances. I didn't normally care for hugs but right then I wanted some comfort and sympathy. I hadn't gotten it from the person I had expected it from.

"Peeta came to see me this afternoon. He asked me to give you any information that I have from the Capitol about the odds and about the other Victors. I'll try to gather as much as I can tomorrow and bring it over." Madge spoke briskly but I could see the sadness in her eyes. I could only imagine how horrible it must be for her family. She lost her aunt to the last Quell even though she never met her.

"Thank you," I said reluctantly. Only Peeta much cared for that sort of thing. But Madge was clearly trying to help and I supposed it was a good idea to figure out what was what.

I wasn't much good at consoling people but I made an effort with Posy and Vic. The only good thing about small children was that they were easily distracted. I brought out some cookies from Peeta and Madge told a story about a robin outside her window and at last they dried their eyes and calmed down. I felt a bit better myself once the crying stopped. Gale came much later still dressed in his miners uniform. I glanced at him carefully. I had counted on his opinion the last time I had entered the games and he had believed in me. But this time around I had a different goal. My goal was to not win. At least it was to ensure Peeta was the Victor. Even if he thought I could win it didn't matter.

He didn't say anything for awhile but sat next to Madge. I could see the rage pouring off of him but he didn't say anything because the kids were there. He was always careful not to say anything dangerous in front of them for fear they would repeat it. But Rory kept glancing over at him and his face grew more serious. Gale had been teaching Rory to hunt and even though the practice of a few months wouldn't make up for that of years we hoped in a little bit he would be passable.

"Peeta came by last night. I promised him I would help you two with snares. You know basically all I do with them but he'll need some work. I guess he wants me to teach Haymitch. I wonder how that'll go. I bet he can't even tie a knot." Gale's voice was brisk and efficient. No time wasted on sympathy. I hadn't expected it from him. It wasn't his personality. It was more the eerie feeling that Peeta and he had suddenly developed a similar strategy. Peeta had always been the one person except for Prim who seemed to offer comfort and sympathy. Well perhaps because they were both bound and determined to bring me home. Well, this was good actually. Peeta and Haymitch needed help with snares more than I did.

"That's good. Haymitch is smart though. Don't count him out. He's still Seam." I replied. Haymitch might be rich but he understood things like owing.

"Maybe so but withdrawals won't be pretty. I'm not sure about Peeta. He's an artist so he probably is pretty good with his hands. But I don't think there's much we can do about his sounding like a drunk heard of cattle." Gale said.

"He can't help it. That leg of his." Madge said gently.

"It's still a problem especially since he can't climb trees or shoot arrows. And I doubt he can swim." Gale said but not unkindly. He seemed to have put aside any differences he had over Peeta and was resolved to help him.

I thought about how I had thought about taking Peeta into the woods but I had run out of time before the Victory Tour and afterward, the woods were barred from us. I wished I had. What if the Arena was a watery island or something? I could swim pretty well though not so well as someone from District 4. The Careers all probably knew how to swim as their districts were rich enough to have a pool to swim in. But all the other victors probably wouldn't be able to keep themselves afloat. I doubted President Snow even knew I knew how to swim. Most people from 12 didn't.

"Let's not keep talking about this. Katniss only found out last night. She deserves a day, not strategizing." Madge said and I sighed in relief. At least one person understood that the last thing I could handle was thinking about training tonight.

I went to bed and sat up all night staring at the way the light filtered across the room. I didn't have any nightmares because I didn't fall asleep. My whole body was tense and my stomach churned with fear. I was going back into the arena. And I wasn't coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't post last week. I was absolutely distracted by Timeless which is my new obsession. Seriously if it isn't renewed I'll be so upset. My everlark fics are getting pushed to the wayside. Don't worry though. I have everything written through Catching Fire and about 1/3 of Mockingjay so even if I have to take a break with graduation I still expect to finish this story.
> 
> I always disliked when Haymitch said that Katniss would have live 100 lifetimes before she deserved Peeta. I don't think that is true and Katniss was just a scared teenager. I know Peeta wouldn't have agreed (except during the hijacking). Trainer!Peeta emerges and don't tell me Katniss doesn't find him hot. She likes her precious cinnamon roll but she also likes the hardass guy who tells her to do more pushups (well she probably doesn't like the pushups). I always regretted when never got any training scenes in the movie. Like hello? That's horrible.
> 
> You see that Gale and Peeta are conspiring against Katniss. I might do a one-shot sometime to cover their conversation. I think they've finally put aside their differences. They were never really enemies or anything. Madge is also helping them out. I like how she's honestly trying to just sit with Katniss. She isn't giving advice or false hope. She's a true friend.


	15. Chapter 15 Preparing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the victors of District 12 train to enter the 75th Games and Katniss attempts to let go.

It took Haymitch and me about two days to finally submit to Peeta's training program. I had only held out because I hated doing what other people told me to do and because I was still a little miffed over how cold and distant he had become. Besides, it was completely pointless to train. It wasn't like I was going to need it. But then I realized that if I intended for Peeta to come home I better be in good shape to help him. And he wouldn't train unless I did. And then there was my family. Even Prim started pressuring me to do what he said. My mother dragged me out of bed and forced food down my throat. And even though Gale was working I was fairly certain he was conspiring with Peeta to make my life miserable until I gave in. Haymitch caved in once I did.

The first thing we did was go to my mom and have her draw up a diet plan. For Haymitch, it involved cutting most but not all his alcohol. If we had cut all he would have been useless and we weren't prepared to deal with withdrawals. My mother didn't get very strict with his diet. Just eating at all would be hard enough. Peeta just had to eat more especially protein. He was already very strong but he would have to lift more weights and wrestle and gain some more weight. As for me I think I had the hardest. I had gained a little weight since I won my first games but not so much as I had expected considering how much I ate. I was surprised when I stepped on the scale to find that my weight was only a couple of pounds higher than it had been when I was weighed in the Capitol before I entered the arena. I technically should have been nearly twenty pounds higher than I was which was an extraordinary amount considering my height. There was no way I could gain that much in the few months we had until the games but I had to try. It was extremely difficult to do since I was supposed to eat a lot of protein as well. My mother forced down these awful, thick protein drinks that were made with soybeans that we bought specially for this purpose. They nearly made me throw up they were so disgusting. I was constantly uncomfortably full. The weight gain was ridiculously slow and I even dropped some weight a couple of times. I was used to being hungry so being uncomfortably full was an odd feeling. It reminded me of the people in the Capitol who ate and then threw up. Sometimes I felt like them. I had to keep reminding myself that I was too thin.

Every night we watched the games of all the other living victors. I found it excruciating. Each arena was different. The older ones were simpler and the "lower" districts tended to do better. There was less fanfare and it seemed more like a battle than entertainment. But by the time we reached the types of Games Haymitch was in they closely resembled the ones we had been through. Regardless of the type of arena they were all just as horrifying. I had always seen them from the outside. Now that I had been there I knew the crippling fear that filled your veins and made each movement dangerous. I knew the stunningly close difference between a Victor and second place. Only Haymitch and Peeta could possibly understand. And Haymitch refused to watch saying he had seen almost all the Games in question. It was true. He was one of the older Victors. The truly dangerous ones weren't the old and sick ones. It was the Johanna Masons and the Finnick Odair and all the Careers. I tried to zone out when watching them but Peeta always quizzed me on them. He carried a small black notebook with him everywhere and a pencil in which he took copious notes in his odd, nearly indecipherable handwriting. I hated that notebook. It represented death and murder.

And then there was the training. Every morning I would be roused before dawn to begin my exercise. There was a run each morning around the district. Thread must have known that we were training but he made no effort to stop us. Clearly, President Snow did not object. A stronger district 12 team would only make an even more exciting viewing. I had been a good sprinter but I was forced to develop staying power. I found I was pretty good in long distance running too. My light body moved quickly. Haymitch did his best but he was lucky to be able to walk the whole distance. Peeta struggled with running due to his leg but he grew stronger as he practiced. He would never be particularly fast but running away from things had never been his tactic. That had been mine.

Where he excelled was lifting heavy objects. I was fairly strong in my arms due to using my bow but I discovered that the muscles used in hunting and those of lifting were different. I felt embarrassed at how hard it was to gain strength. Peeta was a tough trainer. He never accepted any of Haymitch's or my excuses. If we were burning with the pain of lifting another can filled with rocks or heavy box he told us to grit our teeth and keep going. "They aren't going to care in the Arena." He shouted.

I enjoyed watching him much more than I enjoyed anything else. As annoyed as I was at his pushing I knew it was for the best. Even when I was cursing him out in language that would have made my mother wash my mouth out with soap I knew he was doing the right thing. When he lifted objects far heavier than I could dream of lifting as if they were toys I was struck again with his power as the muscles in his arms rippled as he forced himself through another grueling workout. I had known he was strong before our first games but there had been a boyishness about him. Now that boyishness was fading. He was a hundred times stronger than the boy who had lifted those bags of flour.

That was the man the boy would become. I wouldn't live to see it but I felt proud of it. Sometimes I was a little puzzled by his manners. He seemed always the trainer. I felt as if I had lost a friend. I understood why he was acting this way but it still felt horribly lonely. No one else could understand the way the nightmares hit worse than ever after all the recaps of each game except for Haymitch who wouldn't show me any sympathy. I thought of how we had been, still were technically, engaged though there would never be a wedding. I understood it was better this way. In the end, it would be better to cut ties with everyone. The survivor of these games would be burdened enough. I understood that it was a weakness. Friendship, tenderness and anything like that. But when the nightmares hit and I woke up alone I longed for the old days on the train back. They had been miserable but at least there had been something.

And so we kept on. My mother monitored our diets and gave us salves to treat our sore muscles. She and Prim forced us to help patients in order to understand the rudimentary aspects of first aid. Haymitch was a hopeless task but he did listen to my mother carefully as she described the different types of medicines for each illness. If there was a time we needed something from our sponsors Haymitch would know more. I swallowed my disgust of medicine and managed to do it. Peeta had the most to learn but he wrote everything down in his little book. All of us knew that most of these remedies assumed that the arena closely resembled the one that we had gone through before. It had been reasonably familiar to me.

Madge came over nearly every day after school. She brought Capitol newspapers and reports from the Capitol channel her father had access to. I didn't know if she sneaked in there to watch or if her father allowed her to do so but she risked a lot by helping us.

"They say you have some of the highest odds of all the Victors," Madge said.

"Well, that's comforting," I responded dryly. Madge didn't say anything but stared outside with a sad smile. We were sitting outside in the sun as I drank my afternoon protein drink and Madge sipped tea.

" I know there is no good outcome to any of this. But I believe Katniss that there is something on the horizon. Bigger than any of us. I know I might not live to see it. You might not live to see it. But I believe there is a better future for the children. I believe that the Capitol will be overthrown and the Games will end." Madge reached out and took my hand for an instant as she leaned forward. Her face was very resolute. I could see now why she and Gale got on so well. They had the same fire and desire for change. Madge had no reason to object to the Capitol except the off chance she would get reaped. And yet here she was supporting the Rebellion.

"Perhaps. Peeta will be a very good leader." I replied. Madge lifted her eyebrows and glanced at me sharply.

"Yes, I'm sure he would be." She said. She didn't try to argue with me which was a relief. She seemed to understand without my trying to explain something I couldn't understand anyway.

"Katniss, you must promise me one thing. Please don't be afraid to seize the opportunity. When it comes. Don't be afraid." Madge looked at me earnestly and her grip on my hand tightened.

"Ok," I replied even though I wasn't sure what she was talking about. What was she talking about? The Rebellion? My relationship with Peeta? My family?

Peeta called Haymitch and I back to work and Madge went into the house to get a bag of tea for her mother. As she walked away she gave me a little wave. I smiled at her disappearing figure. I had disliked her relationship with Gale at first partly because I was worried due to them being like my parents and partly because I didn't like new people interfering in our family. But now I could see that she was a worthy addition to the family. After I died she would help to pick up the pieces. She would be a comfort to all of them. And maybe she would help Gale and Peeta and all the other rebels to succeed.

I taught Haymitch and Peeta to climb trees. I knew neither of them would be able to get very far but it might be just enough to save them. Peeta was so heavy and his leg was awkward but he was strong which was more than what could be said for Haymitch. I had to give Haymitch credit. He might complain and curse but he always at least tried. At least he got pretty good at throwing knives again. I suspected that before the drinking started he was good with them. Peeta taught me hand-to-hand combat. He was good, always seeming to know just when to strike. Even though I was tiny I found I sometimes had an advantage. I could wiggle out of tight spaces and developed a knack for trying to strike at his weak spots. It was sort of like hunting in that regard.

"I've got you," I crowed as I tackled him after a long tussle. I was all but laying on top of him and it felt a trifle strange.

"Not so fast." He replied flipping me over and pinning my arms to the ground. I wriggled and squirmed and tried kicking but it was like pinning a fish to a wall. Nothing I could do would budge him.

"Ugh let me go." I tried to sound indignant but I couldn't help laughing. Sometimes it was fun doing this. And it wasn't like Peeta was hurting me.

"The first rule is not to try that move. I would have had a knife and two good hands. You'd be dead right now. You always go defense. Keep your hands free and get ahold of the knife. Your defense is quickness. I got you pinned now but you could have just used your knife on me."

I sighed. Sometimes his training lectures drove me crazy. I understood what he was trying to say but frankly, I just wanted some hope. I knew that hand to hand combat would be a dangerous thing for me. Clove had nearly taken me out. I'd be dead if not for Thresh. It struck me that Peeta and my strengths and weaknesses were almost entirely opposite. Which probably explained why we made such a good team.

Every Sunday Gale came over and helped us with snares. I had never learned more than the basic ones since it hadn't been my father's specialty and once Gale and I started hunting it was useless to learn the more complex ones. It was the same thing with him and a bow. He knew enough to be fairly good but hadn't wasted his time doing something I could do better. Peeta picked up snares pretty easily but neither of us had that instinctive knowledge of how to set them like Gale. But we managed. Haymitch learned the simplest snare there was and gave up in disgust. His hands were shaking too badly sometimes from the lack of alcohol. Once my aunt saw me struggling with a particularly complex snare and reached out and adjusted my hands.

"Ash used to struggle with that one. I was always good with it. Used to say it was all that knitting." Her face grew sad as she talked about my father.

It was strange seeing Gale and Peeta being so friendly. They had never been enemies exactly but they hadn't been friends either. But the differences created by Peeta being Merchant and my stunt with the berries had obviously been put aside. Those trivial problems were useless now. I thought that in another life if Peeta had grown up in the Seam he and Gale might have been the best of friends. There was a certain irreverent humor in both of them as well as a determination to protect those they cared about that was similar. As it was it was hard to form friendships with people who were about to die.

"You know all this would be easier if he was easier to dislike." Said, Gale, as we walked home. I knew of course that Gale intended for me to come home. Of course, he did just like Prim and my mother and all my family. But no one else had the courage to straight up say that one of us was going to die so the other could live. Probably Peeta and Gale had already discussed it. And knowing Peeta he had probably assured Gale right away that he intended to do everything to assure that I came home.

"Tell me about it. If he wasn't I would be a happy little victor all by myself." I replied.

"Like Haymitch," Gale replied.

"I guess. Although Haymitch doesn't have any family." But thinking about what would have happened if I had killed Peeta made my stomach hurt. Even if I had just delayed taking out the berries or hadn't even come up with that plan I would have won by default. Peeta had only a few more minutes to live without medical attention. I would be safe from another reaping but would I be happy? I would have my family it is true but I knew the struggle Haymitch went through. And seeing all the other victors on TV made me think they weren't much happier. I saw in their eyes a hollowness I saw in my own.

"He really does love you." He added thoughtfully. I remembered that I had told him that it was all a strategy and that Gale might have thought that Peeta was faking it too. But clearly, Peeta's actions proved that he did. I already knew that.

"I know," I replied and felt embarrassed. It sounded so self-indulgent and vain. "I mean…I…I don't know…"

"It's ok. I mean maybe it's for the best. It'll be easier this way." Gale replied. I thought about how lonely I felt and how much I longed for my friend back. But it would be easier.

I spent a lot of time with Prim on the days leading up to the Reaping. These would be my last moments with her and I clung to them. I imagined her face when I died and my resolve faltered. She was the only person in the whole world I truly, unreservedly loved. I gave pieces of my heart away to the rest of my family and even to Haymitch and Peeta but only Prim got all of it. I told myself that I didn't matter so much to her as she did to me. If she were to die my whole world would be gone. But if I were to die she would still have my mother, her aunt and cousins and all her friends. Still, my heart ached at the thought that I would never see her grow up. I would never see her get married or have children of her own.

The night before the Reaping I couldn't sleep. I wanted comfort. The old pre-Quell announcement I would have found Peeta and looked to him for comfort. But ever since the Quell he had been closed off and distant. So I went into Prim's room and crawled in beside her. She had been sleeping but as soon as I came in she snuggled against me just like Rue did. It made my heart clench painfully. The only good thing was that at least the others would be hardened victors not tiny little girls like Rue.

"Are you scared, Katniss?" Prim asked. I didn't reply. It was a rhetorical question. Of course, I was scared. It was impossible not to.

"I wish… I wish none of this had happened. Maybe if… if you hadn't volunteered for me none of this would have happened." Prim's voice sounded choked and I realized she was crying.

"Little Duck, you know you'd not have made it through the Games. But I don't regret it. I wouldn't be able to handle watching you in the Games. It's easier to be there myself."

I watched her sleeping until it was time to wake up. That morning I didn't go hunting as I had the year before. The woods were still bared to us. In contrast to the beauty of the previous year, it was hot and sweltering. As I dressed in the same exact dress as I wore the year before I glanced in the mirror. How much had I changed from the girl who had volunteered for her sister? I looked a little more mature and my body was far more muscular. But it was inside that I had changed. I couldn't help but think as I turned away what it would have been like if I had agreed to Gale's plan to flee into the woods. We would be safe and quiet now with only the woods and elements to fight against. But it was too late for things like that. I shut the door with a click. I didn't look back at that room. Though it held my possessions it wasn't my room. And I wouldn't be back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having had to gain nearly twenty pounds from an eating disorder I can attest to how hard it is. Gaining weight isn't easy. Katniss is probably roughly anywhere from 4'9"-5'3"so I think being around twenty pounds underweight is about right. I think trainer!Peeta both frustrates and intrigues her. In canon, his response is more than likely due to the fact that he has already accepted his fate and plans to have her end up with Gale. Katniss is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants Peeta's emotional support and affection while keeping Gale. In this story, I think Peeta is just trying to make it easier for her after he dies (as he plans).  
> I love that scene between Katniss and Madge. It's just so sweet and I honestly kinda want to tear up when reading it back. Of course, I had to include a completely self-indulgent wrestling scene because this is fanfic. Katniss isn't sure what to do. I don't think she's ever really been attracted to someone and she doesn't even recognize it. I also included a little Gale/Peeta friendship. I think I'm going to write a one-shot someday about their conversation after the announcement (that is when I get done with my Timeless obsession). And I had another Katniss/Prim scene because honestly, their relationship is one of my favorites in the whole book. It's just so pure.


	16. Chapter 16 The Second Reaping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the tributes for the 75th Hunger Games are chosen and Katniss heads back to the Capitol.

We gathered in the square at one o'clock just as we had every year. But for the first time in 75 years, most of the parents in District 12 could breathe a sigh of relief. Their children would not be reaped. I had expected everyone to be happy. I would have been if I had been in their shoes. But there was an air of suppressed misery and terror in every eye. It was because they knew that no one was safe. If Victors with all their money weren't safe then who was?

The reaping pen for girls was empty except for me but the space was as big as usual although I was flanked by Peacekeepers with guns drawn. Haymitch and Peeta were to my right. The crowd was littered with Peacekeepers with guns drawn. Effie wore a bright gold wig but her smile appeared forced and her voice was mechanical. She reached into the bowl that was nearly empty to pull out my name.

"Katniss Everdeen." She said. She didn't ask for volunteers. There were no other females to volunteer.

"Haymitch Abernathy." She said. I started as I felt defeat surge through me.

"I volunteer," Peeta said before Haymitch could more. Haymitch tried to stop him I'll give him that. He reached out a hand and said something to him but Peeta shook off his arm and moved to the front to stand beside me.

"Our Tributes for the 75th Hunger Games Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark," Effie said with forced brightness.

We were sent to the Justice Building but unlike last time we were given no time to say goodbye. Instead, we were rushed into the car and onto the train with no fanfare, crowds or cameras. It felt almost as if we were cattle. And we were. Cattle to fatten the Capitol. I watched District 12 disappear but I had no goodbyes. I saw the woods swallow up my home and knew I would never see my dear woods again. I would never see any of my family. In my first Games, I had held a distant hope of getting out alive. But now I had sworn to do all in my power to get Peeta home. I had come up with my final words to my family the night before lying beside Prim. But there was no time to say them. And like much in my life they would go unsaid. I hadn't said goodbye to my father either. I had slept later back then and he had left for work as usual. No one ever thought he would never return.

"We'll write letters, Katniss," said Peeta behind me. "It will be better, anyway. Give them a piece of us to hold onto. Haymitch will deliver them…if he needs to." I felt his hand on my arm but I only nodded and headed for my room.

I knew I would never write those letters. I was too much of a coward. Putting my words on paper would be like ripping open a bandage. I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to write down those things. That I wouldn't be able to fulfill my mission. Words never came easily to me although I found writing easier than speaking. You could cross it out and restart. I thought of all the kisses and embraces I would give Prim, the hugs and comforting words from my mother and aunt, Gale's awkward attempts at comforting, Vic and Rory trying so hard to be grown up and little Posy crying. I imagined Madge giving me a hug and wishing me on with her quiet smile. Those couldn't be written into words or delivered with a body.

I wanted to lie down and cry. But I had a mission. More than a mission. A dying wish. Keep Peeta alive. I knew the odds were not in my favor. The Capitol was out for both of us but in order to achieve it, I had to be on my game. I couldn't let my grief over my family get me startled. I told myself to forget them and I slowly released them from my heart one by one. I said little messages and then stood up. When Effie fetched me for dinner I felt empty of all emotion. The numbness felt almost like a relief.

The meal was silent and I ate mechanically remembering that I couldn't afford to skip meals. It was delicious which served to be a small distraction. Peeta and Effie tried to keep up the conversation but it wasn't a success. Haymitch had no alcohol and I could see how hard it was. Effie actually refused her wine when she realized he was abstaining. I had begun to realize that Effie actually had a heart under the lawyers of fluff. I thought Haymitch was actually disappointed he wasn't chosen. If he had he would have been as drunk as a skunk. But as our mentor, he was obligated to keep it together. It would take all his energy to keep Peeta alive in an arena full of his old friends. More than likely he would fail.

We watched the recaps of the Reapings in silence. Most of the "lower" districts were old and sick but the Careers looked hale and hearty and young. Effie made small throwaway comments about the woman from 8 with her three children and Chaff from District 11. I tried to pay attention but most of them passed me by. The lovely brother and sister pair from 1, the huge man from 2 Brutus who despite being nearly forty looked like he could take all of us down, Finnick from District 4 and the old lady who volunteered to be his district partner. The girl she volunteered for had flowing brown hair and was hysterical but the old lady was calm and resolute despite her cane. Johanna Mason was there looking absolutely furious. She would be one to watch. I watched my own reaping and smiled contemptuously as the announcers got teary-eyed over the Star-Crossed Lovers of District 12. They didn't care a bit about us as evidenced by her bright laugh and saying that these games would be the "best ever".

Haymitch and Effie left and Peeta and I were alone. He was provokingly calm as he ripped the pages from his book of those not chosen.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep?" he said and his voice was kind but detached.

Because I can't handle the nightmares without you. I thought. I knew they would be dreadful tonight. I wanted to ask him to sleep with me but I knew that wouldn't do. He had barely touched me since the night of the Quell announcement. He wanted to distance from me and I supposed it was a good idea. "What are you going to do?" I asked.

"Just review my notes awhile. Get a clear picture of what we're up against. I'll go over it with you in the morning. Go to bed, Katniss," he said. I was dismissed. I felt absurdly like a child as I went to bed.

The nightmares woke me up within a few hours. The woman from 4 turned into a rodent that ate at my face. I screamed and screamed as I came to but there was no one to hear me. Not Peeta or the Capitol attendants or anyone. I pulled on a robe over my thin nightgown and went to get something hot to drink. Perhaps Haymitch was awake. It was rather sad I was reduced to going to him for sympathy.

I ordered warm milk and went into the room we had watched the recaps from. Peeta was still there with the tapes from the games. He was rewatching Brutus's games. He rose and turned off the TV as I came in. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Not for long," I said as I pulled the robe more closely around me and shivered. That dream had been terrifying as usual.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked. Sometimes it helped but I felt embarrassed. How weak was I that I was terrified of people I hadn't even met.

When Peeta held out his arms, I flew straight for him. It was the first time since the Quell announcement that he offered me any sort of affection besides the very occasional pat on my arm. He was like a demanding trainer pushing us to be faster, higher and stronger. To eat more and study those videos more. Lover? Fiance? Forget about it. He abandoned all pretense of being even my friend. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly so he couldn't order me to do pushups or something. But he pulled me closer and buried his face in my hair. Warmth radiated from the spot where his lips just touched my neck, slowly spreading through the rest of me. If felt so good, so impossibly good, that I knew I wouldn't be the first to let go.

And why shouldn't I? I had nothing to lose. I was going to die and why not surrender to the pulling inside of me. I pressed my face against his chest and the soft cotton of his shirt. I wished he would kiss me there right where I felt the teasing sensation. We never kissed except for the cameras but I suddenly wanted it. All those other kisses had been fine but I hadn't felt much. But something had shifted and I suddenly wanted to be kissed though only by him.

I might have leaned in and tried to kiss him but the Capitol attendant came and I broke apart. He set the spiced and honeyed milk on the table and left with a slight shake of the head.

"I don't think the people of the Capitol are happy about the victors going back. They get attached to us." He said as he sipped the milk.

"I guess they'll get over it when the blood flows," I said flatly. I didn't care about their moods.

We began watching Haymitch's games after that. We had never done that before. Even though it felt a bit like invading Haymitch's games I hoped we might learn something valuable. I saw President Snow looking younger but just as terrifying. I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of kids and by the time the escort read the names for 12 I was already feeling sick. Then I saw it. Madge's Aunt Maysilee Donner. The girl who had been my mother's friend. I saw my mother hugging her. I saw another girl with her. Madge's mother. But it was hard to see the frail, delicate woman with skin the shade of paper and eyes that were dull and unseeing with the vibrant woman before me. All of them had the pale skin, blue eyes and golden hair of the Merchant class.

I thought of Madge again and how she had helped us. How dear a friend she had been to me. I thought of the Mockingjay pin and how it's owner had died in these games. When Haymitch was reaped I was even more shocked. He looked young and strong and even handsome as hard to imagine as it was. He had curly hair, dark grey eyes and a steely expression that should have warned the others he wasn't to be messed with.

"Oh Peeta, you don't think he killed Maysilee?" I questioned suddenly sick with the idea that Madge's aunt might have been killed by our mentor.

"With all those people? I doubt it." Peeta replied.

The interviews and chariots were unmemorable but they did play the whole interview with Haymitch.

"So, Haymitch, what do you think of the Games having one hundred percent more competitors?" asked Ceasar.

"I don't see it'll make much difference. They'll still be one hundred percent as stupid so my odd ought to be about the same." Haymitch shrugged as the audience laughed. He was arrogant, snarky and just as disagreeable as he was now.

The arena proved to be a temptation of poison. Everything was beautiful but deadly. Not unlike the Capitol. But Haymitch was only momentarily distracted. He kept fighting and I noticed that Maysilee was pretty good herself. She used poison and a blowdart to kill a few of her competitors. The volcano killed nearly all the Careers and a total of twelve other tributes. The rest had to stay in the woods. Haymitch was jumped but he managed to fight off all but one. Then Maysilee saved his life with her darts. They became allies than in the type of pact that would be hard to break and return to your district. My stomach started churning. Had Haymitch killed her and that was why he was so unpopular in 12?

The alliance proved mutually beneficial. Just like with Peeta and I they worked well as a team. But Haymitch kept moving and Maysilee couldn't get his reasons out of him. He kept saying he was trying to find the edge of the arena. But Maysilee wanted to go back. The edge was just a pile of rocks. Then she broke off the alliance because she didn't want it coming down to just them. He didn't shake her hand or even look at her. She just disappeared. Meantime he kept looking at the arena. Throwing rocks into the rocky abbess and having them fly back.

Then he heard her scream. She had broken off the alliance but he still ran to her. The horrible pink birds, so beautiful and deadly, had slit her throat. He held her hand as she died. I thought of Rue then and nearly cried myself. That's why Madge had never spoken badly of Haymitch. He had treated Maysilee's death with respect.

Haymitch only won because of the force field. His experiments at the edge of the arena allowed him to have the ax the girl from 1 throw come back at her instead of him. It was brilliant but probably illegal. The arena forcefield wasn't meant to be a weapon. And here a boy from 12 was doing it.

"I bet they had real trouble spinning that one. Almost as bad as the berries." I commented as Peeta flipped off the TV. I started to laugh even though it had been months since I had laughed. Peeta stared at me unbelieving as if I had gone mad. Maybe I had.

"Almost, but not quite," said Haymitch from behind. I startled afraid he would be angry but he just smirked at us and took another swig of liquor. Well, his sobriety hadn't lasted long. I would have been angry except that I was beginning to understand Haymitch and myself. We weren't related but we were both Seam and both rebels. We had both defied the Capitol. Surely two such people could bring Peeta home?

"No, sweetheart, I'm afraid you really did a number. But I'm your mentor so they probably blame me." Haymitch said indifferently. "Now kids, run off to bed. Or Effie will get my hide for allowing you to stay up. I'm not your father but Effie just complains."

Peeta and I exchanged laughs but we did as we were told. I wanted to ask him to stay but I was afraid he would refuse. That seemed worse than not asking. And by the time I went to bed I was so tired that I ended up sleeping decently.

The Prep team was absolutely inconsolable. I hadn't anticipated their childlike grief and sobs. They were both upset over me because they had grown attached and because they had lost their entrance into the biggest Capitol social events. It was annoying having to console them. But I wondered since Peeta had said the Capitol people weren't very happy about these Games. I had always thought the Capitol didn't care a bit about us. But perhaps they do care a little for their victors who they have seen for many years.

Cinna came in and as he closed the door I snapped, "I swear if you cry, I'll kill you here and now."

Cinna only smiled and said, "Had a damp morning?"

"You could wring me out," I replied.

Cinna put his arm around me and led me to lunch, "don't worry. I always channel my emotions into my work. That way I only can hurt myself. But I'll talk to them."

Lunch made me feel better. The pot of chocolate sauce with fruit was absolutely delicious and I ended up eating a second pot all by myself with a spoon. I was fairly certain that much food would feed the whole Seam but I tried to remind myself that it was good to gain a little weight. Cinna remained cagey on his costume choice but I trusted him. He did my hair and makeup himself so the Preps wouldn't start crying. He used my mother's hairstyle and then coated my face in heavy makeup. Strong highlights to my cheekbones made them stand out, my eyebrows were darkened, and my eyes rimmed in coal black powder and my lips turned a deep purple. The costume was just a simple black leotard and a heavy black crown. But just like my first costume, it was on fire. It looked exactly like I was a glowing ember. I looked like a creature in one of my Grandfather's stories. I looked like a creature that lived in a volcano. I had left behind the flickering candlelight, flames and bejeweled gowns. I was as deadly as fire itself.

"When you're on the chariot I don't want you to wave or smile. Just stare straight ahead as if everyone is beneath you." Cinna instructed as he adjusted my costume one last time.

"Finally something I'll be good at," I said.

I went downstairs to find Peeta and Haymitch who obviously hadn't come down yet. But the atmosphere of the waiting areas seemed different. The others were standing around talking to each other and they all knew each other. I had no intention of trying to introduce myself so I went over to a horse and began stroking him hoping I would remain unnoticed. The horse seemed a vastly better companion than any person in the room.

My "conversation" with Finnick O'Dair was definitely strange. He was nearly naked and offering me sugar cubes. He was a Career, won at the age of fourteen and was absolutely beautiful. The Capitol was absolutely head over heels for him though they couldn't do much until he turned sixteen. He was always seen with a lover in tow though never the same one twice. Young and old, lovely or ugly he would stay for awhile but once he's gone he's gone. I had even seen him in the company of men. Apparently in the Capitol that was something. I guess I wouldn't have had a problem with it if it wasn't so clearly for the extravagant gifts.

Even though I couldn't deny that Finnick was one of the most sensual persons on the earth. But I never found him attractive. Perhaps because it was the fact that he was just a trifle too pretty, or easy to get…and lose. But his closeness unnerved me especially when he licked his lips as if I was a cupcake or sweet. I knew most people would go crazy for that and the smoldering glance in his eye but I just felt reminded of old Cray and his penchant for innocent girls.

"What about you, girl on fire? Do you have any secrets worth my time?" he leaned his head in until he nearly could have kissed me. It took everything in me to not flinch away. But I blushed suddenly remembering the night before and the embrace on the train and my feelings that were so confusing. I did have secrets. Just not ones I cared to share with Finnick O'Dair. And it didn't matter if he was considered to be one of the most attractive men in Panem. I still would have preferred to have Peeta beside me.

"No, I'm an open book. Everyone seems to know them before I do."

His eyes grew serious for just a second and then he said, "Sadly I think you're right. Peeta is coming. Sorry, you had to cancel your wedding. I know how devastating that must have been." He sauntered off and I was left staring after him. Finnick O'Dair was a dangerous competitor. He was a danger, especially to Peeta. I knew he had been mocking me with that last comment. He knew that I had been acting and was determined to throw it in my face. Well, let him try. I might be an open book but that didn't mean I didn't have my own tricks up my sleeve. Like not trying to save my own life.

Peeta was dressed just like me but unlike last time I didn't feel annoyed. The heavy makeup even matched my own. It ought to have looked odd on him since men in District 12 wouldn't dream of wearing makeup. But it looked good on him drawing out the blue in his eyes and making him look harsher though I knew better. It was strange seeing his lashes as dark as mine. "What did Finnick Odair want?" he asked. I wondered how much he had seen and if he was jealous.

I turned and put my lips close to his and fluttered my lashes in imitation of Finnick, "He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets," I said in my best seductive voice.

It must not have been very effective for he only laughed and said, "Ugh. Not really."

"Really," I said. "I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling."

"Do you think we would have ended up like this if we had won alone? Just another part of the freak show?" He looked around at the others.

"Sure. Especially you," I said.

"Oh. And why especially me?" he said with a smile.

"Because you have a weakness for beautiful things and I don't. They would lure you in with their Capitol ways and you would be lost entirely." I said with an air of superiority.

"Having an eye for beauty isn't the same thing as a weakness," Peeta pointed out. "Except possibly when it comes to you." I found myself blushing again. I was beautiful in his eyes but not in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. His clear-eyed admiration made me feel proud and stand taller not make my skin crawl. I guessed that I was his weakness. That's why he had avoided me all those months. Was he my weakness? Perhaps? Anyone who knew my plan would think that. I tried to avoid thinking that way because it would distract me from my plan.

Then the double doors opened and we headed for the chariot. He held out his hand to help me up and then I offered my own to help him as his leg didn't always maneuver big steps so well. I straightened his crown and said, "Have you seen your suit? We're going to be fabulous again."

"Absolutely. But we're supposed to very above it all." He replied glancing around.

We switched on our suits as no one else seemed to be doing much and noticed the stares of the others. Cinna and Portia were not around so we were clearly left to our own devices. Whether we should hold hands or not.

I looked into those blue eyes that no amount of dramatic makeup could make look deadly and remembered how just a year before I had been prepared to kill him so I could come home to my family. Convinced that he was trying to kill me. Now he was my best friend and I was determined to keep him alive even though the cost would be my own life. The less brave part of me was glad that it was Peeta and not Haymitch who would go in with me. Our hands found each other without discussion. Of course, we would go in as one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I just graduated this weekend so I'm finally done with school (for now). Also, I'm distracted because Timeless is still neither renewed or canceled. Katniss is so funny in this section. She's just so in love and she hasn't figured it out yet. Sigh, I love you girl but you can be a little dense. I always got really upset that Katniss was never allowed to say goodbye to her family and friends. Especially, cough, Madge. I love the scene with Peeta embracing her and how Katniss is just "kiss me except I'm not actually going to admit I want you to." I was always interested in Haymitch's games. He and Maysilee seemed to have a nice friendship and I have a feeling that he knew Madge a little because of it.
> 
> I'm gonna state an unpopular opinion. That scene between Katniss and Finnick is kinda creepy and I don't like how Finnick is kinda pretending to make moves on her. It's clear it disturbs Katniss. I think it's meant to show how the Capitol views sex vs. the Districts but it isn't particularly effective since Finnick is from the Districts. One thing it does show is how Katniss is really demisexual. She literally states she doesn't find Finnick attractive because she doesn't really like his personality and doesn't trust him. Contrast that to Peeta who she does trust. (Obviously, Katniss does come to trust Finnick but once she does she is in a sibling-like relationship so it's different.)


	17. Chapter 17 An Argument

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta meet the other victors and have an argument over Johanna Mason.

I could hear the crowd roar as we rolled into the street but we ignored them. I focused on a point on the horizon and allowed myself to be as withdrawn and unforgiving as I wanted to be. I saw our reflections on the screens and saw that we were not just beautiful but dark and powerful. We were the Star-Crossed Lovers of District 12 who suffered so much and enjoyed so little of the rewards our victory. We didn't smile or seek their favor. We were unforgiving. I loved it. I could be myself.

It was a little pathetic to see the attempts to steal Cinna's illuminating costumes though at least in District 3 it made sense. But the middle-aged tributes looked interesting but not beautiful in their costumes. But we looked mesmerizing and the District 6 tributes, who were addicted to morphling, seemed unable to look away. Even President Snow seemed to stare at us and especially at me.

When we got back to the stables Cinna, Portia and Haymitch were waiting for us though Haymitch was in consultation with the team from 11. The large dark man from 11 I recognized as Chaff who had won a few years before Haymitch. He had no hand but unlike Peeta had refused any sort of prosthetic. The woman, who I knew was Seedar, had slightly paler skin that looked as if it might be from the Seam and golden brown eyes. Despite being around sixty she looked strong and not addicted to anything. She embraced me and I couldn't help but think of Rue and Thresh. I was glad Rue had such a kind mentor. And she assured me that the families were all right. What a relief. I had been worried for months about them. But Chaff shocked me by throwing his arm around me and giving me a kiss right on the mouth.

What was going on? I had been kissed by one man and nearly kissed by another in one evening while I had lived sixteen years without a single kiss until I was reaped. I didn't think it was because I was beautiful and it certainly wasn't my personality. No, Chaff and Finnick were trying to make me uncomfortable. I wasn't exactly sure why they had picked this particular tactic. Perhaps they thought I was what my aunt called "loose". I had been pretty unrestrained with the kissing on the Victory Tour. Well, whatever the reason I resented it. But Haymitch only laughed. Ugh. How would he like if some person old enough to be his grandparent just kissed him?

The Capitol seemed determined to separate the victors and no wonder. It was dangerous. I held Peeta's hand as we walked to the elevator scarcely noticing until a girl appeared in front of me and threw her headdress at our feet.

It was Johanna Mason. And she was dressed as a tree as tributes from 7 always were. She ruffled her spiky hair and rolled her brown eyes at me. "It's the stylist an absolute fucking disaster? Wish I'd gotten Cinna. You look fantastic."

Girl talk. I'd never been good at it. Prim never went to me when she wanted advice on makeup, hair or clothes. Madge wouldn't have cared even if she always looked nice. The only person who would have done it was Posy and at five all I had to do was make everything pink. "Yeah, he's been helping me design my own clothing line. You should see what he can do with velvet." I was really reaching but velvet was one of the few fabrics I remembered off the top of my head.

"I have. On the tour. That strapless number you wore in District 2? That blue one with the diamonds? Go gorgeous I wanted to reach through the screen and rip it right off of your back," said Johanna.

I'm sure she did. She probably wanted to take more than just my dress. A few inches of flesh and maybe some hair too. Then she started to undress in the elevator and except for her shoes didn't wear a stitch of clothing. It was an incredibly long elevator ride. All seven floors she chatted with Peeta about painting while the lights of his costume glow on her bare breasts. I had seen naked women before, in gym or occasionally in mother's practice, but no woman in 12 would ever strip down so casually.

When she left Peeta tried to talk to me but I ignored him. For some reason, I was unreasonably angry over the whole thing. And even stranger it seemed as if he was grinning. I pushed his hand away as Chaff and Seeder left and as we were left alone he started laughing.

"What?" I said, turning on him as we stepped onto our floor.

"It's you, Katniss. Can't you see?" he said.

"What's me?" I said.

"Why they're all acting like this. Finnick with his sugar cubes, Chaff kissing you and Johanna stripping." At my frown, I could see him trying to take a more serious tone but it was unsuccessful. "They're playing with you because you're so…you know."

"No, I don't know," I said. I really didn't know what he was talking about except that maybe I wasn't very fond of their brand of humor.

"It's like when you wouldn't even look at me naked in the arena even though I was half dead. You're so…pure," he said finally.

"I'm not! I've been practically ripping off your clothes every time there's a camera around for the last year!"

"Yeah, but… I mean, for the Capitol, you're pure. For me, you're perfect. They're just teasing you." He was clearly trying to mollify me but I wasn't going to have it.

"No, they're laughing at me, and so are you!" I said.

"No." Peeta shook his head but he was clearly trying to repress a smile. I was beginning to rethink who should come out of these Games alive. It was easy for him to dismiss this as all no big deal since no one was trying to pick on him. He wasn't getting kissed by old guys or being made fun of. Clearly, he was part of the in crowd. And I wasn't. I was a simple, silly girl from District 12 everyone wanted to pick on. Pure? Was I? I certainly hadn't had sex or anything close to it. And yes, I'd probably die a virgin but I didn't care. It wasn't in my plan but that didn't mean I was some sort of prudish freak. And why was he taking such a superior tone? Unless he wasn't… I knew he had girlfriends but I hadn't…Well, that was silly. It wasn't as if I cared. It was all ridiculous.

I was thinking this as the elevator opened and Haymitch and Effie joined us looking pleased. Then Haymitch's face grew hard and I followed his gaze across the room. Effie made some remark about a "matched set" but all I could see was the face of the girl I had met in the woods years ago. Then I saw her companion. And it was Darius. The easy-going Peacekeeper who had joked and smiled at me and who had defended Gale. He was an Avox.

Haymitch kept me from moving but I couldn't have even if he hadn't. I could see Darius in my mind's eye. He liked to tease me but it was always very harmless. Even his jokes about kissing never had anything gross about it. We joked with each other because we liked each other and not because he was trying to make fun of me. Perhaps in another life, we might have been friends. If only Gale could see him now. I stared into his eyes and tried to understand. Me, going to my death and Darius a mute slave. What could we say even if we could speak? That we were sorry for each other? That we ache for each other? That we were glad to know each other? But no, Darius was not happy to know me. If it hadn't been for him defending my cousin he wouldn't be there. And he wouldn't be my Avox because it was clear President Snow had put him here for my benefit.

I rushed from the room and headed to my bedroom and locked the door. I flung myself on the bed and watched my suit glow in the darkness and tried very hard to imagine myself back at home. I imagined that the light was the fire. I had often done this when the hunger hit hard. Gale and I would sometimes spend hours in the woods talking about food and describing foods we had seen in the Capitol on TV. But my brain seemed unable to concentrate.

At dinner, everyone was talking about the ceremonies but I felt numb and hardly noticed the conversation. When I purposely knocked a dish of peas on the floor I crouched down to clean them up. Darius knelt beside me and for one instant our eyes met and hands met. I felt in his skin and the tight clench of our fingers all the words we could never say. Then I heard Effie talking about how this wasn't my job.

When we watched the Opening Ceremonies I sat between Haymitch and Cinna because I didn't want to be next to Peeta. Darius's being turned into an Avox belonged to me and Gale and my father and the people of the Seam like Haymitch. It didn't belong to Peeta who lived as a Merchant. He could never quite understand what it was like to belong to the Hob. And I was still angry at his laughter and the uncomfortable things brought up. I didn't want his sympathy or comfort if he so clearly didn't understand. I hadn't changed my mind about saving him but that didn't mean I had to give him more. Not that there was more. Your life was as much as you could give.

I couldn't help but think that the tribute parade was particularly pathetic this year. Most of the Victors were older and looked decayed except for those like Finnick and Johanna who were young and those in good shape like Seedar and Brutus. But we were the very image of a proper tribute with our flaming costumes and so young and strong and beautiful.

I thanked Cinna and Portia before Effie reminded me of our schedule and I went to bed. Poor Effie had just had two winning Victors and then it dissolved into a mess that the Capitol couldn't possibly untangle. I supposed if I was raised as shallowly as she was I would consider it a real tragedy. I was lying in bed when I heard a quiet knock on the door. It must have been Peeta. But I didn't want him tonight. I remembered how he had laughed at me despite my discomfort with all the other's treatment of me. The patronizing way he had smiled at me and called me pure as if that made me some kind of child. The way it made me think of how much more experience he must have had to react this way. It made me want to avoid him. And besides, it felt almost wrong to be taking comfort when Darius was all alone and haunting this floor. I thought of Gale and my father and how we had known all the old Peacekeepers. My father hadn't known Darius since he hadn't been in our district then but it was all the general thing.

I dreamed of tongues and saw them dissect Darius's tongue from his mouth. The next morning I was intentionally late. I knew that there were no surprises. We had all studied each other's games. Peeta and I would just have to keep playing the Star-Crossed Lovers act and we would go on as before. I didn't want to discuss it in front of Darius anyway so I ate my breakfast in my room. Haymitch knocked angrily on my door and shouted at me but I leisurely finished brushing my teeth. Haymitch was fit to kill when I walked in and I noticed the heavy bangle that he twisted around as if it was my neck.

"You're late." He snarled.

"Sorry. I was dreaming of mutilated tongues." I tried to say it angrily but my voice caught.

Haymitch scowled then went on, "Whatever. Today in training, you've got two jobs. One, stay in love."

"Obviously," I said. Well, he ought to be talking to Peeta. He was the one staring at Johanna Mason's nude body.

"And two, make some friends," said Haymitch.

"No. I don't trust them and I can't stand most of them. I'd rather it be just us." I replied.

"That's what I said at first, but" Peeta interjected.

Haymitch explained that we were in trouble because the other victors knew each other for years. So who would they attack first? Us, the new kids who had caused all these problems in the first place. But he also said that we were young and healthy and could fight. But we, and we all knew he was really talking about me, needed to be willing to ally with them. It struck me that we were becoming Careers. And that seemed awful. I remembered how I had reacted when Peeta joined them. I couldn't imagine joining up with Finnick or Brutus who would probably attack me and then kill me faster than I could snap my fingers. Haymitch suggested Chaff and Seeder. I wouldn't entertain Chaff but I had liked Seeder and she had been Rue's mentor. But then I realized that I couldn't stand forming friendships with any of them and then have to kill them. But I told Haymitch I would try. And he stopped Effie from going down with us so we wouldn't look like we were being babysat.

On the short ride down Peeta took my hand and said softly, "Talk later?" I reluctantly nodded but I didn't withdraw my hand. We needed to be a team.

We were actually among just a few who even bothered showing up. Peeta threw spears with Chaff and Brutus while I tied knots with my old friend the trainer who looked delighted at my coming back. Finnick came from behind me and put his arms around me to finish off the complex knot with easy. He clearly spent his childhood catching fish and making nets. I had a hysterical wish to show my aunt the fancy knots. I felt certain she would be impressed. Finnick then pretended to hang himself with his knot which made me roll my eyes. He was behaving like a child but I think I preferred it to his behavior the night before.

I struck up a conversation with the nice pair from District 3 who seemed to be struggling to start a fire. Wiress and Beetee were clearly very intelligent if a little odd but they were pleasant and I highly doubted they would try to kiss me or strip naked or make fun of me. As I glanced around I noticed Johanna oiling her naked body for wrestling. I felt a wave of annoyance pass over me. Wiress followed my gaze and smiled her odd little smile before launching into a discussion of her stitching device. My aunt would have been interested though she didn't have a sewing machine. We talked about the delays in manufacturing and they confirmed that there were delays. I wished there was someone I could tell. Perhaps Haymitch? When he got back such information would be important. And Wiress gave me a valuable piece of information when she pointed out the chink in the force field. I had a feeling it could be a useful thing to know.

At lunch, I felt like I was in school again. Peeta was with a group of victors and I longed for Madge who would gladly join me at another table where we would eat in near silence. Madge never wanted to be in the spotlight or talk a lot. I decided I would eat with Beetee and Wiress who seemed harmless and maybe Seeder.

But then the other victors start dragging tables to make one big one forcing me to join them. Lovely. Just like a big happy family.

I served myself a plate when Peeta came up behind me and I announced that I wanted to have an alliance with Beetee and Wiress.

"Really? There's something of a joke to the others." He said reminding me that once again Peeta wasn't Seam. People in the Seam would prefer Beetee and Wiress to Johanna any day. They might be odd but they were honest people and that mattered more.

"Why does that not surprise me?" I said remembering his crowd of people and how popular he always was. It was amazing he even noticed me.

"Johanna nicknamed them 'Nuts and Volts'," he said.

"I'm stupid for thinking that they might be useful? Based off of what your little girlfriend Johanna Mason said while talking about art and oiling up her breasts for wrestling." I retorted. Johanna Mason better watch out.

"The nickname has been around for years. I didn't mean it as an insult. I was just passing along information." He replied carefully. I flinched. I had been called nicknames like that. Insults disguised as humor. Insults based on being Seam.

"They're smart and invent things. And know about force fields. And if we're to have allies I want them."

I spattered both of us in gravy in my anger. Peeta's face flushed and I could see his measured tone give way. "What are you so angry about?" he asked he wiped away the stain. "Because I teased you on the elevator? I'm sorry. I thought you would just laugh at it."

"Forget it," I said with a shake of my head. "It's everything. Darius. The Games. Having to team up with people."

"It can be just you and me you know," he said smiling at me. I wasn't quite ready to forgive him but I could feel myself relenting.

"I know. But Haymitch is probably right though don't you dare tell him."

"You can have the final say but I'm leaning towards Chaff and Seeder."

"I'm ok with Seeder, not Chaff," I said. "Not yet anyway."

"Come on and eat with him. I promise I won't let him kiss you again," Peeta said. It was easy enough for him to say. He wasn't being kissed by some old guy.

"Ok," I replied. "I'll try it."

"And by the way, I don't think Johanna's my girlfriend. I think she's yours. She didn't threaten to tear off my clothes." Peeta grinned as my cheeks flushed. He was totally wrong but it was a startling and very unwelcome thought. Being at the receiving end of Johanna Mason's eye seemed worse than being her enemy.

Chaff wasn't as bad when he was sober and even though he talked loudly and made rude jokes they were generally at his own expense. But I still didn't trust him. I did make an effort to get to know people. I went to the edible insects' station with Cecelia and Woof from District 8. Cecelia was the one with three kids and Woof was so old and senile that I doubted he would make it past the first five minutes. I liked Cecelia and thought she would be good to be allied with except that I didn't dare. I would start seeing her children and couldn't handle it. Cashmere and Gloss from 1 were polite but there was no love lost between us. Probably due to my killing of their tributes. Enorbaria and I threw swords together but we were definitely not joining up. Finnick introduced us to Mags who was the old lady who volunteered for the girl in 4. She had a funny accent which was a combination of the District 4 accent and a slur which made me think she had a stroke. But she made a fishhook in an instant and I thought she was probably the most experienced person in the room. She had seen so many games. And she had volunteered for the girl knowing she wouldn't survive. Just like I had volunteered for Prim. I wanted her on my team.

Great. I had to tell Haymitch I wanted an eighty-year-old and Nuts and Volts. He was sure to love that. So I went to the archery station and lost myself in shooting targets. I hit the fake birds out of the air and got myself into a zone I sometimes got into hunting. A place where the world fell away and all I could feel was the bow in my hands and the sound of the arrow hitting the target. It was wonderful. I didn't even notice how silent the room had gotten until I stopped and noticed that the victors stopped to notice me. Some looked envious, others looked in hatred and a few in admiration. Wiress grinned at me and whispered something to Peeta.

When we got in for dinner Haymitch said, "What did you do? I had half the people ask to ally with you? I know it isn't your sunny personality."

"They saw her shoot. So did I. Had never seen it before. I was about to put in a formal request in myself."

That's right. I remembered that I had never taken him hunting. I had planned to before the Victory tour but we had never gotten around to it. And afterward, the woods were off limits.

"You're that good? So good Brutus wants you?" Haymitch asked lifting his eyebrows.

"I don't want Brutus. I want Mags and District 3." I replied as I started eating.

"Of course, that's just like you, Sweetheart. I'll tell them you're still making your mind."

Things got easier for me with the others. I got teased but still felt as if I had been accepted into the inner circle. I was painted into a field of flowers by the morphlings and Peeta. Finnick gave me trident lessons and I gave him archery lessons. But it was clear that we wouldn't be trading weapons any time soon. It's hard because I didn't hate them. And some I actually liked. And some are so damaged I just wanted to protect them. But all of them had to die so Peeta could survive. Mags, Cecelia, Wiress, Beetee and everyone else had to die.

The only good thing was that my friendship with Peeta seemed to have restored itself. It was silly and stupid to hold a grudge when we had so little time. But we weren't what we had been before. We hadn't been like that since the Quell announcement. He didn't sleep near me and I was too afraid to ask. Because it was better this way. But I wanted his presence because the nightmares were horrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been another long time since I posted. I've been a bit down in the dumps since graduation and finding out that Timeless was canceled. I'm so happy the Hunger Games wasn't a TV series that got canceled. I mean it could easily have been since Collins was a TV writer. Imagine it ending midway through Mockingjay or the end of Catching Fire?
> 
> I have a few unpopular opinions about this section of Catching Fire. I personally was really creeped out by Chaff and Finnick's treatment of Katniss. They are basically sexually harassing her and I feel like Katniss's clear uncomfortable feelings were ignored. Peeta was surprisingly unsympathetic to their treatment of her. I always found it a bit puzzling. He actually kinda just joined in on the bullying. I wanted to make it clear that I didn't think it was ok. I think the whole sequence is designed to highlight the fact that Panemian society doesn't have a clear conception of concent or boundaries. Also if it's not clear Johanna is kinda hitting on Katniss. It's abundantly clear subtext in the novel and I noticed that in the movie that subtext was removed so that it looked as if Johanna was dismissive of Katniss's sexuality. In reality, Johanna talked about ripping Katniss's dress off. Hello, there is no heterosexual explanation for that. Katniss, being Katniss, doesn't pick up on that and starts getting jealous of Johanna. I love jealous Katniss because she's so not in touch with her feelings that it's one of the few times she's actually honest with herself. Obviously, jealousy isn't a healthy emotion but in her case, it helps her to eventually make some moves.
> 
> The Darius parts killed me. I kinda low key ship Darius and Katniss and certainly friendship them so it hurts so bad to see how he was treated by the Capitol. Once again I found it odd that Katniss identified with people like Beetee, Wiress, and Darius even though Darius was a Peacekeeper. She connects the Peacekeepers with the Seam which always seemed a little unusual to me. Peeta, on the other hand, was Merchant and therefore couldn't understand her relationship with the Peacekeepers. Katniss's compassion for the hurting people is one of her best qualities. I just find it interesting that at this moment Katniss is the most compassionate while Peeta is kinda being a tiny bit of a jerk (hope I don't offend anyone with this).


	18. Chapter 18 A Pinic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta have their private sessions and spend a romantic day on the roof.

It was the day of our private sessions. There was a lot of joking about the tricks the victors would do. The Gamemakers knew how they fought and so for most, there were no surprises. Cecelia said she would tell them a bedtime story and Mags said she would take a nap. I supposed I would shoot some arrows. The room got progressively emptier as we sat there. I could only think as they left how short their time would be. A few days.

I glanced at Peeta as Seeder left. He took my hand and said, "Have you decided what to do?"

"I can't use them for target practice with the force field. So I might make some fish hooks? What about you?" I said.

"Not a clue. Too bad I can't bake a cake." His eyes crinkled with a little humor as we both remembered his joke the year previous.

"Do more camouflage," I said.

"If the morphlings leave me anything." He said.

"How can we kill these people?" I thought of them and how ordinary they were. I had thought it would be easier to kill older people, not children. But it wasn't. I knew it wouldn't be. Because I saw them as ordinary people.

"I don't know." He leaned his head down on our entwined hands. I reached out and stroked his hair feeling the curls bounce back as I touched them.

"I don't want any allies. Why did Haymitch make us get to know them? It's so much harder than last time. We didn't know anyone then. Except for Rue. But I don't think I could have killed her. She was too much like Prim."

He glanced up at me with a pained expression, "Her death was the worse, wasn't it?"

"None of them were pretty," I replied thinking of Glimmer and Cato.

I saw that Peeta's hands were also stained though his hair was wet from bathing at dinner that night after my hanging of the effigy of Seneca Crane. So he had done camouflage. That was safe? Wasn't it? But I soon found out it wasn't. Not at all. He had painted a picture of Rue covered in the flowers I had picked for her. Haymitch was angry, Effie was confused and upset and even Cinna and Portia looked grave. But when I told them my idea Effie left the table crying. I felt rather sorry about that. Effie was hard to hate. She was so nieve.

"You would have thought we planned it," says Peeta giving me a half smile.

"Didn't you?" asked Portia wearily as she covered her eyes and rubbed her temples. Probably a headache from all the anxiety we were causing.

"No," I said looking at Peeta with new appreciation. "We had no clue." I had a habit, I think everyone did, of misjudging him. We all saw the bright amiable features and forgot that under that was something else. But that something else was fundamentally good.

"And, Haymitch?" said Peeta. "We don't want any allies in the arena."

"Good. Then I won't be responsible for killing off any of my friends with your stupidity," he said.

When we watched the training scores we saw the predictably high numbers for the Careers. I was expecting a zero though Cinna said it had never happened. But if anyone would get a zero it was probably us. But we made history in a different way. We both got a twelve. But nobody felt like celebrating. We knew it was so we would put a target on us.

Peeta walked me my room in silence but before he could say goodnight and leave me I wrapped my arms around him and leaned my head against his chest. His hands slid up my back and into my hair and his cheek tilted against the top of my head. I could feel the soft circles he drew at the nape of my neck and it felt good. The muscles loosened and relaxed. "I'm sorry if I made things worse," I said.

"No more than I did. But why did you do it?" he said.

"I don't know. I guess so they would know I wasn't a piece in their Games." I spoke softly. And so they go after me not you. So you are safe.

He laughed a little probably remembering our conversation on the roof a year ago. I hadn't understood then. But I did now. That understanding had slowly seeped into my mind after Gale had been whipped and I realized that to stand by and watch would be just as bad as doing the horrible things. That running away was wrong.

"Me too. And I'm not saying I'm not going to try. To get you home, I mean. But if I'm perfectly honest…"

"You think President Snow has given direct orders that we'll die anyway." I finished.

"It crossed my mind," he replied.

I had thought of it before as well. Many times. But I had accepted that I was going to die. I knew I wouldn't leave the arena alive. But I was still holding out hope that Peeta might make it. He hadn't pulled out those berries. President Snow had mostly believed that any rebellion he had done was motivated by his love for me. Maybe the President would prefer to keep him alive, crushed and heartbroken, as a warning to others. Still was that the kind of life I wanted to doom him to? Perhaps death would be better.

"But even if that happens, everyone will know we went out fighting?" he said holding me closer.

"Everyone will," I repeated. I tried to distance myself from the personal pain I felt and see it from the perspective of others. I thought of all the rebels I had met and realized that how I handle my death would be a test for them. If I show them that though I am dead I have not fought in vain they would not be demoralized. That I hadn't given up the fight. That my spirit wasn't quenched.

My dying to save Peeta was my decision and defied every action of the Games. I realized then something that President Snow, for all his intelligence, failed to grasp. My affection for Peeta was far more dangerous than any rebellious actions. My refusing to live would be an act of defiance and a refusal to live by their rules. My public and private agendas matched perfectly. I should be far more important to the revolution dead than alive. They could turn me into a heroic martyr and put my image on banners. But he would be more valuable alive, and tragic because he would transform that pain into words that could transform people.

But I knew he would lose it if he knew my thoughts so I only said, "So what do we do with our last few days?"

"I just want to spend every possible minute of the rest of my life with you," Peeta replied.

It seemed like the old Peeta who talked all sorts of romantic nonsense and normally I would have gotten felt guilty trying to fit everything into place. But I was going to die and we had so little time. "Come on, then," I said pulling him into my room.

I undressed and put on one of those thin nightgowns Cinna had designed for me while Peeta wore whatever pajamas he found in his room. We took turns brushing our teeth talking about nothing in particular. It wasn't particularly late but there was nothing to do. Neither of us wanted to face the wrath of Haymitch and besides, I didn't want anyone else somehow. But I did order some hot chocolate which came delivered by the Avox girl. She stared at me as she handed me the tray and I wasn't sure if there was a trace of approval or even a touch of a smile as she saw I was not alone. Oh, that's right. I'm with the boy I love doing who knows what. If the whole of that statement wasn't accurate it didn't really matter. I knew that this girl was seeing someone going to her death and was glad that I wasn't spending it alone.

I crawled unto the sofa in my room with Peeta as we looked out the window at the Capitol below. There were the sounds of that wicked city below me. I wasn't sorry we had stood up to those people. I sipped the hot chocolate and felt it slid down my throat warming me.

"I'm sorry, Katniss. For laughing at you." He spoke softly into the dark room.

"I know. It just bothered me. The way they treated me. But now I feel like I'm accepted. And it makes it worse." I let my head fall against his shoulder and closed my eyes. And then I spoke something I hadn't meant to say, "I just wish you hadn't stopped being my friend all those months."

"I thought it would be easier." He replied.

"It wasn't," I said softly.

It felt like such a luxury, sleeping with Peeta again. I had known it was a comfort but I hadn't realized how wonderful it felt until then. I didn't realize how starved I was for human closeness. For the feel of him in the dark beside me. I wished I hadn't spent the last few days shutting him out. That he hadn't shut me out. Before on the train we had at least tried to untangle ourselves and stay on our sides of the bed. Though eventually we would end up tangled together in a heap and laugh awkwardly as we got up. But this time neither of us made any effort to separate ourselves. I crawled up next to him and put my head on his chest. My body was pressed close to him so there wasn't an inch of space between us. Slowly he stroked my hair with a gentle hand and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

"Goodnight, Katniss," he whispered.

"Goodnight," I replied. I sank into sleep, surrounded by his warmth, and actually slept. When I opened my eyes daylight was streaming through the window.

I stretched suddenly aware of exactly how close I was to Peeta. I was lying nearly on top of him. I flushed and moved back slightly but not before his face flushed and he coughed awkwardly. I knew why of course. My mother had been rather through in her discussion of sex. I knew it was normal in the morning and it had never really bothered me before. But I suddenly felt conscious and it made me feel funny.

"No nightmares." He spoke pulling the covers up to his neck and stretching.

"No nightmares," I confirmed. "You?"

"None. I had forgotten what a real night's sleep is like." He said.

We were in no rush to begin the day so we lay in bed for a while. It was an unimaginable luxury to be able to just lie in bed. I continued to curl up next to him humming a little. It was a quiet little tune that reminded me of my father. I felt especially close to him perhaps because my own life was so soon to be over. At that moment I felt determined not to let that ruin anything. I was going to allow myself to enjoy these last moments of peace. Peeta's arm was around my waist as he continued to fiddle with my hair.

"You sound good." He commented. I knew he wanted me to sing but I wasn't quite ready for that. Perhaps sometime that day or the next I could gather up the courage to sing. It was only fair that the Mockingjay would sing one last time.

"It's something my father taught me. He used to whistle beautifully too. I never mastered it. He used to whistle his way home and I could always hear him coming up the street." I felt awash in a wave of memories but they weren't unpleasant.

I heard a slight knock on the door and sat up saying, "Come in."

The Avox girl came in with a note from Effie saying that since we had done well on the tour there was no need to have another coaching session. I had been dreading the high heels and sarcastic comments. I forced myself to smile at the girl and said, "Can you give Effie a note?"

She nodded and I tore off a piece of paper off the desk and scrawled, "Thank you. K and P." I handed it to her and she took it from me.

"Do you know what this means? We'll have the whole day to ourselves." Peeta commented as she disappeared.

"It's too bad we can't go somewhere," I said wistfully. I thought of home and my woods and forced myself not to go there. There weren't any woods in the Capitol anyway. Just fussy gardens with rows of roses and even walkways and benches with carvings.

"Who says we can't?" he smiled at me. I raised my eyebrows and he added, "The roof."

He went to his room long enough to shower and change while I put on a pair of shorts and a red shirt that Cinna designed. I wondered idly what the Avox girl thought of the whole thing. She had become something of a friend despite the fact that we never spoke. I remembered the expression in her eyes as she stared at us. I remembered the boy with her and how cruelly the Capitol had cut him down. There had been sympathy in her eyes. There was nothing I could do for her. I realized that now. But perhaps once the revolution came she might have freedom. It would never bring back her dead lover or her tongue but maybe she could find a quiet corner of the world to live.

Peeta and I met on the roof. We had ordered a bunch of food and dragged blankets up there for a picnic. I didn't really go on picnics. Gale and I ate in the woods of course but never for the express purpose of eating. I had taken Madge to the woods a few times but even then I was supposed to be teaching her how to use a bow. I had never just spent a day doing absolutely nothing like this. We ate in the little flower garden with the wind chimes that tinkle softly above our heads. It got a little chilly so high up so we moved to the part of the roof near the force field. We lay in the sun side by side. Peeta's face got a little red from it because he was pale naturally. My own face burned a little but I was used to the sun. But neither of us wanted to move. It makes us sleepy with the heat from the sun shining on our faces but the cool breeze sweeping us and scattering any unsecured objects.

I snapped vines off and practiced my new found knot tying skills and weave nets. Peeta had brought his sketch pad and for the first time, I let him draw me. He at first did loose sketches of me tying knots and weaving nets my face tight with concentration. But then he convinced me to put them all down and positioned me sitting against a cushion with my face looking out to the Capitol skyline. His hands moved over my body gently moving my hands and feet into a graceful pose.

"Can I?" he whispered touching my braid. I nodded as he gently untangled my braid and let my hair float down my back. I had always been proud of my hair even though it was useless. But it was long and thick and shiny and probably my sole claim to beauty. Perhaps he could give one of these sketches to Haymitch who would give them to my family after my death. Then they would have something to remember me by.

For a long time, all I hear was the soft scratch of the pencil on the paper and the wind chimes. I knew if I glanced over at Peeta I would see the old look of concentration in his eyes. I allowed my mind to clear and drift away. I found myself thinking of the night before and blushed in spite of myself.

"You can move now," he said and I crawled over to look over his shoulder. He had done an excellent job though he had improved my appearance. My real appearance was not even half as pretty as the girl staring up at me from the paper. But he had captured a certain softness probably only present with a few people, mostly Prim. And somehow he had somehow captured the hint of a blush and a tiny smile at the corner of my lips. Had I really looked like that?

"You really can make magic with your art. You can even make me look beautiful." I commented.

He only laughed and shook his head. "No, I had a really good model though. I'm afraid I didn't do her justice."

I was tired of sitting so I seized an apple and began a game of catch with the force field. I had played something like this with an old sock stuffed with pebbles at home. Rory and Vic would play it by the hour. Throwing that old ball back and forth between them. But the force field would bounce it back. We threw the apple back and forth against the force field and the other person had to run and catch it. I was fast and sneaky but my arms were short and Peeta had a knack for throwing it right out of my reach. And he wasn't very fast. Half the time we would end up having to run after the apple. We gave it up when the apple burst open and spattered on the rooftop.

No one bothered us. It felt like we were the last people left on earth. Except for the occasional sound of the Capitol below us, everything was silent. By late afternoon I lay with my head in Peeta's lap, making a crown of flowers while he fiddled with my hair, claiming he's practicing his knots. It was so relaxing that as I felt the minutes slip away a strange sad feeling came over me. It was as if fate had given me one perfect day before the worst happens. After a while, his hands went still. "What?" I asked.

"I wish I could freeze this moment, right now, and live in it forever," he said.

Normally such a comment, hinting at his undying love for me, made me feel so guilty and terrible. But I felt so warm and relaxed and there was no use worrying about a future I would never have. So I just said, "Okay."

I could hear his smile as he said, "Then you'll allow it?"

"I'll allow it," I said.

His hands slipped back into my hair but after a few minutes I finished my flower crown and put it on his head. It didn't have dandelions, what Capitol garden would have had a weed in its midst, but it had bright yellow sunflowers and daisies. I saw his smile flash across his face and I acted on impulse. I didn't allow myself the freedom to think. I pressed my lips to his for just an instant. I felt the soft warmth pass from him to me and I felt my lips turn up into a smile.

"You look like the Dandelion Prince, now," I commented as I adjusted the crown. His eyes were shining now and felt a tug somewhere between my breasts where one's heart was supposed to be.

"Here," he took the remaining flowers from the pile I had gathered and began weaving them into my hair. "You look like the May Queen."

"It's not May," I answered.

"You were born in May so you're the May Queen," Peeta replied. I frowned remembering how we had spent my birthday training. I had gotten a few small gifts from my family and Peeta had made me a tiny cake but there had been no celebration. I didn't remember having a birthday celebration since my father died. It's too expensive and this year we didn't have time.

"Would you like to hear the Valley Song?" I said feeling my stomach flip-flop with nerves. I hadn't sung for anyone except for Rue and my family. But I knew that this would be my last opportunity and I felt certain Peeta would want to hear me. Somehow I could face this now that I wasn't going to have a voice much longer.

"Yes, I mean… if you want to." He said eagerly. I wished I had a camera so this could be recorded. Then everyone who loved me might be able to play it and remember me. But if there was a camera I would probably be nervous.

Down in the valley  
Valley so low  
Hang your head over  
Hear the wind blow

Hear the wind blow, love  
Hear the wind blow  
Hang your head over  
Hear the wind blow

I could remember Rue and how she had looked as I sang the other song. They were very similar but not quite the same. This one was more of a love song and the other the type of song you sang to a child. It made me flush a little but I pressed on.

If you don't love me  
Love whom you please  
But throw your arms round me  
Give my heart ease

Give my heart ease, dear  
Give my heart ease  
Throw your arms round me  
Give my heart ease

I thought of how my father had probably courted my mother with this song. It gave a sense of completion. Life and nature were like that. There was a cycle of death and rebirth. The problem was when something disrupted.

Roses of sunshine  
Violets of dew  
Angels in heaven  
Know I love you

Know I love you, dear  
Know I love you  
Angels in heaven know I love you

I wasn't sure what angels were. The teacher at school said they were a strange winged creature people in ancient times used to believe in. But my father said that angels were benevolent spirits that helped people. I wasn't sure if I believed in them any more than I believed in the weird old ladies on brooms or tiny little fairies that populated my grandfather's stories. But it was a nice thought.  
Bird in a cage, love  
Bird in a cage  
Dying for freedom  
Ever a slave

Ever a slave, dear  
Ever a slave  
Dying for freedom  
Ever a slave

That felt familiar. Being a slave. Like the Avoxes. Like all the Victors were. That part of the song my father had taught me after I had sung at school with Peeta hearing. But I had liked it especially well.

Write me a letter  
Sent it by mail  
And back it in care of  
The Capitol jail

The Capitol jail, love  
The Capitol jail  
And back it in care of  
The Capitol jail

This was another part I never sang in school. But who cared if the Capitol heard me now? I was dead anyway and besides, I had hung Seneca Crane's effigy in my private training session. What was a song compared to that?

As I finished I looked at Peeta. His blue eyes were wet with tears and I felt a little weird about it. "You sound just the same." He whispered.

I laid my head back down and let myself fall back into the quiet state I had been before. I had done something nice for someone else for once in my life. I doubted that my voice was really that special but to Peeta, it brought back memories of the girl in the red plaid dress. A girl that seemed so far away. Only a little more than eleven years but I felt like I could be her mother.

His fingers continued combing through my hair and the soft gentle motions put me to sleep. But he roused me to see the sunset. It was a spectacular sight as it sent sparks of yellow, orange and red behind the Capitol skyline. "I didn't think you would want to miss it," he said.

"Thanks," I said. Because I could count on my fingers the number of sunsets I had left, and I didn't want to miss any of them.

We didn't go and join the others for dinner. I briefly considered the talk that our absence would cause but I didn't really care. It wasn't as if my family was around to care. And why shouldn't I enjoy these last few days? No one tried to summon us.

"I'm glad. I'm so tired of making people miserable. People crying. Or Haymitch…" Peeta said. He didn't need to go on. Haymitch was probably mad.

We stayed on the roof until bedtime. It started getting cold so we drank soup and curled up in blankets and tried talking. But mainly we sat in silence. I noticed that all of the sudden we started touching each other more. We were rarely separated. It seemed especially ironic considering how difficult I had found it back then when it might have been important. But I found his touch was so comforting and more than that gave me that gentle sense of warmth. Like a warm fire.

When we slipped downstairs we didn't encounter anyone. We followed the same routine as the previous night before crawling into bed. But this time I felt a strange buzzing feeling all over my body. All of the sudden the warm fire seemed not enough. I wanted something but I wasn't sure what it was. I must have moved around enough that he said, "You ok?"

"Yeah, just kind of restless," I replied. He started stroking my arm soothingly. It should have been comforting but I found that the buzzing only got worse. What was wrong with me?

I finally got up to go to the bathroom because it was easier. I splashed water on my face and took a couple of deep breaths. Then it hit me. What was wrong with me. This was attraction. I hadn't ever really felt it before so it struck me like a weird case of the flu. The odd warm, buzzing feeling, the fluid on my underwear and the overwhelming wish to be touched. Well, that's great. I thought as I took more deep breaths and splashed more water on my face. I had to suddenly develop it right before the Hunger Games. Or maybe my body figured out I was about to die and decided to start functioning properly?

I went back to bed and crawled inside. Peeta asked sleepily, "You ok?" before pulling me closer.

I tucked my head against his chest and replied, "Yeah." The buzzing in my body slowly faded to a dull awareness as relaxation overwhelmed me. And then I slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long time between updates. I got a new job combined with the fact that I've been working on a long fic for another fandom. I promise I haven't abandoned this story. I just can't promise weekly updates.
> 
> I love this chapter so much. It's probably my favorite of all the chapters I've written so far. So many shipper feels. Katniss is so in love but she still doesn't realize it. The song is "Down in the Valley" which is a very old folk song which I suspect is the origin of the Valley Song. I think it fits perfectly within the story.
> 
> The ending might seem a little OOC. I feel like Katniss is more perceptive than we give her credit for especially when it comes to her body. And while Susanne Collins might use euphemisms to describe sex due to her age group I think Katniss knew what she was experiencing. I can't believe she grew up in a home of a healer without knowing quite a lot about sex combined with going to school. I see her as demisexual so she only experiences attraction to people she has a close emotional bond with. In this case, Katniss's bond with Peeta is even stronger than in canon at this point. She's kinda going, "crap, this is inconvenient".

**Author's Note:**

> As you can see I haven't done too many changes to the basic structure. Katniss is still hunting and suffering from PTSD. You might notice that Darius is kinda flirting with Katniss. I am not introducing a love triangle. I promise. But I've always liked Darius and if he hadn't been ages older than Katniss and a Peacekeeper he might have been a good choice. He's got a good sense of humor and seems to be one of the few people Katniss actually tolerates. Things seem a bit awkward between Katniss and Peeta mostly because of the Victory Tour. And I wonder what President Snow has to say? Nothing good I think.


End file.
